Acknowledge His Control

I went to a counselor Monday night. She suggested I see a doctor who could prescribe some antidepressants. After much effort, I got into a doctor's office on Tuesday. I was prescribed a generic of Zoloft, 25 mg for seven days and then a 30-day supply of 50 mg. I have to go back soon to have some blood work done because they also changed my blood pressure medicine back to what I was on before I got pregnant with Maddox.

Andrew and I went to GriefShare last night at the church we've been visiting. It was helpful, gave Andrew a chance to open up some and introduced us to some new people. It's a 13-week program that runs continuously; I'll be going all the way through (I think we were in week eight yesterday). We felt very welcome and everyone was super nice.

I talked to Hospice of Delaware today and I'll be connected with a counselor (free!) next week. Like Leigh Anne in Statesville, Leslie at Hospice here recommended that I attend some Compassionate Friends meetings since it's specifically for parents who have lost children. Conveniently, the meetings for our chapter of CF also meets at our church, every 2nd and 4th Tuesday.

Andrew and I had a night out tonight. We went to Glenn Mills (PA) for dinner at PF Chang's and ended up eating at a cute 40s/50s style diner called Ruby's instead. We stopped in at the Fresh Market and discovered we can get Cheerwine there! (For those of you who are not from the south, Cheerwine is a cherry-flavored soda that was "born" in Salisbury, where we just moved from.) I went into the Fresh Market specifically for some rotissorie style chicken salad and croissants, but they were out of both. Boo! Andrew got a napoleon and we picked up some fresh strawberries, so it wasn't a total bust. We had a great evening out...felt almost like "normal."

Lauren at GriefShare said something last night that really stuck with me. She said (to another woman, Allison, who lost her husband), "You have to get to the point where you acknowledge that God is either in control or He's not." So true. I believe that God is in control and I trust in His faithfulness. It is not easy, but like the GriefShare video said too, what has happened with our precious Maddox and our grief for him is helping Andrew and I to become more like Christ, more like the people God designed us to be. It's not easy, but it's real.

Prayer Journal - 4

Father,

Thank you for getting me through this day. I miss Maddox and thought of him often, but you gave me strength and helped me go back to work, my first day at ASK. Maddox has been with you for six weeks now, and one day, and I trust that you are caring for him and loving on him for us.

Oh, Lord. I am aching to hold him and my heart is so broken. Please meet me in my brokenness. Hold me, care for me, please restore me to a functional order. Please give me faith when I am weak, I am so weak. Show me Your ways, please give me understanding.

I know you are unchanging - help my love for you to be as well. Take away my anxieties, please. Help me serve you and bring glory to Your awesome name.

Please hug and kiss my boy for me. Amen.

Shared from my prayer journal

Maddox Journal - 2.5

Today was my first day back to work (at a new job) since Maddox was born. He would have been six weeks and one day old, home from his first day at daycare.

When I was pregnant with him I cried at the thought of taking him to daycare, how being separated from him during the day would be too hard for me to handle. I never dreamed that he would die. The only thing that makes this separation tolerable is believing he is with Jesus in heaven right now; our time apart is limited and we will be reunited in heaven for eternity soon.

I have had a few really hard days - almost non-stop crying from Saturday through yesterday. I saw a counselor Monday night and went to a family doctor on Tuesday and was prescribed antidepressants. Starting my new job helped today... it was a good day all things considered.

I wish Maddox could be here with us right now. I miss him so much. I am so sad without him. I am just so sad.

Shared from the Maddox journal I started while I was pregnant

Maddox Journal - 2.4

This ache in my heart is almost unbearable sometimes. I hurt so much with the absence of our little boy from our daily lives here on earth. I cry and cry and I know that no amount of tears will bring him back, but I want him here so badly. Losing Maddox and this separation from him is the hardest thing I have ever gone through. I don't know how I will make it.

How do people survive things like this, losing a child you wanted, the child you cared for and knew, the child that grew inside of you, that had developed a personality, that already had you wrapped around his finger? Maddox is my baby, my little man, my son. There was so much to look forward to.

It was scary to face the challenge of parenthood, but we were ready, excited and willing to do anything to bring up our little boy in a loving, God-fearing home. It feels like we've been robbed. We were just days from meeting our sonshine but he was taken from us. God is in control, I know, but why? Why did He take our boy? I have wanted him since the day I was born. Why couldn't I keep him?

My heart is so broken.

Shared from the Maddox journal I started while I was pregnant

A Trip to Texas

I had a great time with my mom in Texas this week. I am really glad I went.

I got only four hours of sleep last night. My flight from Memphis to Philly was delayed over an hour because of the snow that came through last night. I can't believe it was 75 degrees in Texas yesterday and I flew into snow today!

Andrew and I went to Kevin and Wendy's for a fondu dinner with them and two other couples (Kevin's sister and brother-in-law and some friends, Mike and Annie). I had had a mini breakdown when I got in from the airport - exhaustion + missing my mom + really missing Maddox - and it was good to distract myself by going over there for dinner. We had a good time and I probably would have been a hysterical mess until I cried myself to sleep otherwise, so it was a good thing all around.

On Thursday, I went to Rockwall to see my elementary school friend Virginia. I met her adorable 7-month-old Lawson, her diva 3-year-old Brooklyn and her husband Brooks. We hadn't seen each other since she moved in 5th grade - 13 years! We talked ALL day, "like a couple of school girls" like she said. It was so good to see her and I think she's going to make a trip to Delaware for a girls' weekend sometime soon!

Virginia and me, January 19th

Mom took off work Friday. It was her birthday - she turned 42! We went shopping all over the place. I ended up buying a chain from James Avery for the motherhood charm Donna got me and Mom bought me a remembrance charm with Maddox's birth stone to attach to the motherhood charm/necklace. I am in love with it. I felt bad that she bought me something on her birthday and I protested, but she wanted to do it. I love it - it makes what is already special to me even more special and I love the combination of his birthstone with the motherhood charm. It's simple and so beautiful to me. We went to dinner at a place called Kenny's. After dinner we played Just Dance 3 on the Xbox Kinect. It was SO fun! I ended up staying up until 12:30 am (central) and getting up at 4:30 this morning! It's been a long day.

I miss my mom so much, but I think we're going to start scheduling visits a couple of months in advance. I am glad I will always have something to look forward to.

Andrew and I are going back to Brandywine Valley for church tomorrow! I am excited about getting plugged in. For now it's time for Andrew and I to do our Bible reading for today and get into bed.

Let the Waters Rise

I am so confused. I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me. I can't explain how lost I feel, but without a real care to be "found". So much of my life these past five weeks has been going through the motions, taking the necessary steps to get form point A to point B. I don't know that I've really taken anything in. I had the most clarity during my labor and my time with Maddox at the hospital, then again for his visitation, memorial service and burial. Other than that, I just don't know. I have been doing what needs to be done, running errands that need to be run, packing and unpacking boxes that need it, showering, eating when encouraged and trying to remember my blood pressure meds and, since last Wednesday, birth control. I don't know if I feel more lost now that I'm not pumping anymore or if that has any real effect. I know that I told God today that it'd be just fine with me if He decided that my plane should crash (oh, I am currently in Texas visiting my mom) and I really felt that way. I fell asleep at one point and was disappointed to wake up and realize we were still in the air. Those thoughts are disturbing, that I have them and that hours later I can look back, remember them and think still that I feel that way. I suppose that's a normal part of the grieving process, but I don't really know. I don't want to harm myself and I know I am not really suicidal. I guess you could say that I'm more apathetic over living versus dying. Before losing Maddox I didn't ever really want to die. I knew I'd go to heaven if I did, so I was okay knowing that I could die and at least I'd go to heaven. Now I feel like I would welcome death with open arms - hallelujah, it's come! These kinds of thoughts make me think I should reach out to a professional for some kind of medication. Really though, I think connecting with a grief group, which I'm in the process of doing, will be more helpful than that. That and leaning more on God. Nothing is going to "fix" my hurt and I worry that I could become addicted or be more inclined to do something dumb, like intentionally overdose, if I was on medication. It's probably just best for me to try working this out with the help of genuine Christian friends who have been through this already and have survived it with their faith in and love for God in tact. I have a war raging inside of me. Anyone heard of "Let the Waters Rise" by Mikeschair? That's how I feel.

Prayer Journal - 3

Dear Lord,

I know you're calling me closer to you. Please help me to respond in obedience, to commit my every thought and action toward Your glorification. I feel convicted by the words in Romans 7:15-25. My intentions are good, but how wicked I feel I am. :( I am broken. You know my brokenness. I need you to hold me, to wrap Your arms around me, to please get me through this. You know what I really need. So many times in these past five weeks I have begged you to take me from this world. I am homesick for heaven. I hurt and I ache and I long for Your comfort. I am tired, weary, weak. I am depressed. Though I am functional as far as the world is concerned, I am, I feel useless in all ways. Please see me through this valley, the lowest of lows. Remind me of Your presence. Please comfort me and help me feel the power of Isaiah 43:2-3.

In Jesus' name alone, amen.

Shared from my prayer journal