"This is not where we planned to be
when we started this journey,
but this is how it is, and our God is in control."
-Stephen Curtis Chapman
Thursday, October 18, 2012
"Our First Pregnancy" Photo Book
I'm happy to announce that the Shutterfly photo book I started during my pregnancy with Maddox is finally complete! I spent many hours during my pregnancy tweaking each page to perfection (no easy task considering my Type A personality!). It was emotionally difficult for me to revist this project after losing Maddox. The story of our first pregnancy didn't have the happy ending we imagined it would, but my heart is filled to be able to share the wonderful memories we made with Maddox.
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Nine Months
Dear Maddox,
Here we are, baby, nine months later. I can't believe you've been gone now for as long as you were with us. Mommy and Daddy miss you so much, more than words can say. We talk about you every day. Daddy is convinced that you would have gone pro in soccer and tennis by now and that you would soon be joining a ninja monastery. Sometimes I tell him that God called you home early to spare you from Daddy's teasing. He knows I'm kidding. Your daddy is a lot of fun and you two would be the best of friends. He loves you very much and is so proud of you. He has done a great job taking care of me since we lost you, too. I can't imagine doing this without him.
Mommy has been very depressed the past couple of months. I started seeing a new counselor, Pam, two weeks ago, and she is already helping me. It makes me happy to share you with someone new. I love every chance I get to talk about you, to speak your name out loud to someone other than Daddy or your sweet Aunt Meghan. Pam reminded me this week that my faith in God will continue to sustain me through losing you. I know it's true, but just like saying your name out loud, it's nice to hear God's truth from someone's mouth other than my own. I know He is taking the very best care of you, and I thank Him for the love He's shown our family. Maddox, as much as Daddy and I love you, God loves you more. My love for you is so big that it's hard to imagine a greater one, but I know God's is bigger.
Little Man, I sure miss you. I wish I could scoop you up and snuggle your sweet face next to mine this very minute. I wish I could hear your laughing and babbling and pitter-pattering. Daddy and I can't wait to see you again. There isn't a second that goes by that you're not on our minds and not a single day we don't pray for you and thank God for you. I stand by the words I said to Daddy while holding your little body in the hours after your birth, I would do it all over again even if the outcome was the same. You are a precious gift to me, Maddox, and to Daddy.
We love you, and we'll see you soon.
Love,
Mommy
Here we are, baby, nine months later. I can't believe you've been gone now for as long as you were with us. Mommy and Daddy miss you so much, more than words can say. We talk about you every day. Daddy is convinced that you would have gone pro in soccer and tennis by now and that you would soon be joining a ninja monastery. Sometimes I tell him that God called you home early to spare you from Daddy's teasing. He knows I'm kidding. Your daddy is a lot of fun and you two would be the best of friends. He loves you very much and is so proud of you. He has done a great job taking care of me since we lost you, too. I can't imagine doing this without him.
Mommy has been very depressed the past couple of months. I started seeing a new counselor, Pam, two weeks ago, and she is already helping me. It makes me happy to share you with someone new. I love every chance I get to talk about you, to speak your name out loud to someone other than Daddy or your sweet Aunt Meghan. Pam reminded me this week that my faith in God will continue to sustain me through losing you. I know it's true, but just like saying your name out loud, it's nice to hear God's truth from someone's mouth other than my own. I know He is taking the very best care of you, and I thank Him for the love He's shown our family. Maddox, as much as Daddy and I love you, God loves you more. My love for you is so big that it's hard to imagine a greater one, but I know God's is bigger.
Little Man, I sure miss you. I wish I could scoop you up and snuggle your sweet face next to mine this very minute. I wish I could hear your laughing and babbling and pitter-pattering. Daddy and I can't wait to see you again. There isn't a second that goes by that you're not on our minds and not a single day we don't pray for you and thank God for you. I stand by the words I said to Daddy while holding your little body in the hours after your birth, I would do it all over again even if the outcome was the same. You are a precious gift to me, Maddox, and to Daddy.
We love you, and we'll see you soon.
Love,
Mommy
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Maddox # 13
While Andrew and I were in line at Chick-Fil-A last night, we were behind a young girl wearing a sports jersey. Her name and number made me smile. It was one of those moments that makes me think it was God or Maddox letting us know he’s well and that, even though he’s not physically here, he’ll always be a part of us. I am still trying to figure out what I believe about the kind of communication God allows between our love ones up in heaven and us down here on earth. I spoke with the girl and her dad. I didn’t go into detail about him not making it, but I told them our son’s name is Maddox and that he was born on December 13th. They were very nice and thought it was neat, because their last name is Maddox. I miss our little man, and I like these special reminders of him.
Thursday, July 19, 2012
The dreams haunt you.
One of the awful things about losing Maddox, other than the obvious, is that I have terrible, haunting dreams now. For as long as I can remember, I have dreamed every night, in color, and often my dreams are bizarre. Add grief to that and I have a lot of messed up dreams. They're dreams that stay with me all day, dreams I can't stop thinking about.
Last night, I dreamed that Andrew and I were pregnant with another boy. We were at the hospital because I was in labor, and when it was just the two of us in the room, it came time for the baby to come. I can't tell you how real the anticipation from my dream felt, how excited we were at another chance to be parents. With Andrew by my side, I gave birth to our second baby boy and to our horror, he wasn't breathing. I laid the baby down on the bed and tried to revive him while Andrew ran to find a doctor or nurse to help us. I begged and begged the baby to please, please wake up, to please breathe... please not again. Of course, my attempts were in vain.
These dreams are awful.
In the weeks immediately after losing Maddox, I dreamed about him several times. It's one of the reasons I avoided sleep at all costs. In all of my dreams, he was either stillborn or he was born alive but I knew he was going to die. In one dream, we were still at the hospital and a nurse was changing his clothes. When she handed him back to me, he was awake. I looked at the nurse and said to her, "Thank you. My baby was born dead, but now he is alive."
It's heartbreaking to live and relive our loss in my dreams. Frankly, it's exhausting.
Before bed last night, I prayed that God would give me a glimpse of how Maddox is doing, if that's even allowed. Instead, I dreamed I gave birth to another stillborn baby. I'm not upset with God though; I think it's Satan trying to kick me while I'm vulnerable and down. He's using my pain and my anxieties to hit me where it hurts.
But Satan can't win - not now, not ever.
Last night, I dreamed that Andrew and I were pregnant with another boy. We were at the hospital because I was in labor, and when it was just the two of us in the room, it came time for the baby to come. I can't tell you how real the anticipation from my dream felt, how excited we were at another chance to be parents. With Andrew by my side, I gave birth to our second baby boy and to our horror, he wasn't breathing. I laid the baby down on the bed and tried to revive him while Andrew ran to find a doctor or nurse to help us. I begged and begged the baby to please, please wake up, to please breathe... please not again. Of course, my attempts were in vain.
These dreams are awful.
In the weeks immediately after losing Maddox, I dreamed about him several times. It's one of the reasons I avoided sleep at all costs. In all of my dreams, he was either stillborn or he was born alive but I knew he was going to die. In one dream, we were still at the hospital and a nurse was changing his clothes. When she handed him back to me, he was awake. I looked at the nurse and said to her, "Thank you. My baby was born dead, but now he is alive."
It's heartbreaking to live and relive our loss in my dreams. Frankly, it's exhausting.
Before bed last night, I prayed that God would give me a glimpse of how Maddox is doing, if that's even allowed. Instead, I dreamed I gave birth to another stillborn baby. I'm not upset with God though; I think it's Satan trying to kick me while I'm vulnerable and down. He's using my pain and my anxieties to hit me where it hurts.
But Satan can't win - not now, not ever.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
It's a...
One year ago today was one of the happiest days of our lives. Andrew and I hosted a gender reveal party at our then-home to share the excitement of finding out our baby's gender with our closest family and friends. There was such joyful anticipation on that day, and then the moment came to open the envelope and find out whether our baby was Brooklyn Kelly or Maddox Wilhelm Prime.
I love Andrew's reaction so much. I'm sure at that moment he was the proudest daddy on the face of the planet! Thank you to my sister-in-law, Tabitha, for catching this on video. I'm so happy that this is a moment we can live over and over again.
I miss Maddox today and every day. The tears are welling up in my eyes as I write this. Whoever came up with saying "Out of sight, out of mind" obviously never lost a child. My boy is on my mind all the time.
I will say though, that my days have gotten better since Maddox's headstone was installed last month. We have done everything possible to take care of our little man, and having his beautiful stone set in place brought me a great sense of closure. I still get sad and depressed, I still cry for him, I still selfishly want him on earth with me instead of in heaven with God. But I do feel that "peace that passes all understanding" (Philippians 4:7). Let's be real, who in their right mind would hear a mother whose baby has died tell you that she's okay without thinking she's heartless or insane? But I am okay, and I'm not heartless or insane. I have put my faith in the Lord, and "I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content" (verse 11) because "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" (verse 13).
God is with me. He is faithful. I trust in Him. ♥
God is with me. He is faithful. I trust in Him. ♥
Friday, July 6, 2012
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Six Months... Already?
Maddox would have been six months old today. Perhaps the most surprising feeling I've had today is that, as terribly awful as this has been so far, it's okay that he's not with us.
As much as Andrew and I want our baby boy with us, we trust in God's plan and His sovereignty. We believe that good has come from our loss, that good will continue to come from it as we share our story with others, and that it is but a small piece of God's universe-sized puzzle. Our time on earth is limited, and the joys and greatness of eternity in heaven will effortlessly wipe away the pain we've had to endure during this life.
God has provided for us every step of the way, from the moment we realized we would never again hear Maddox's heartbeat on this side of heaven to this moment tonight, where Andrew, our doggies and I are relaxing together in the living room after a walk to Rita's Italian Ice for some custard in a waffle cone. It's hard to imagine what we would be doing to celebrate Maddox's six-month "birthday", but this is our new normal. This is life for us at this point, enjoying each other's company, remembering our baby boy and looking forward to seeing him again in heaven.
Last week, Andrew and I drove home to North Carolina to see my youngest brother, JT, graduate from high school (with honors!). We had a wonderful visit, which included the highlight of having Maddox's headstone installed. It was installed on Thursday, June 7th. Andrew and I designed it together, and it was our goal (okay, it was my goal) to have it completed before our wedding anniversary. Mission accomplished: We're celebrating four years this coming Tuesday. We're probably a bit biased, but we think Maddox's headstone is absolutely perfect!
The inscription says:
Maddox Wilhelm Prime
Schulze
Our Little MVP
Born into heaven
December 13, 2011
Precious "sonshine" of
Andrew Wilhelm and
Amanda Brooke Lowe Schulze
We love you very much, and we'll see you soon.
The back says:
"And Job said, 'Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I shall return. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.'" Job 1:21
I feel at peace knowing that Maddox's stone is in place. I anticipated feeling upset knowing that I no longer have any way to take care of him. In reality, as I shared with Meghan today, I feel accomplished and satisfied knowing that at every step of the way, from the moment I found out I was pregnant until the installation of his headstone, I cared for Maddox and gave him the very best I could. I love him with my whole heart and more, and I can't wait to see him again real soon.
P.S. I will be out of the country (in AFRICA!) for business from June 18th through July 3rd. Please don't worry or be surprised if you don't see any updates from me until I return. Prayers for Andrew and me during our time apart would be greatly appreciated; it will be our first time apart since we lost Maddox.
As much as Andrew and I want our baby boy with us, we trust in God's plan and His sovereignty. We believe that good has come from our loss, that good will continue to come from it as we share our story with others, and that it is but a small piece of God's universe-sized puzzle. Our time on earth is limited, and the joys and greatness of eternity in heaven will effortlessly wipe away the pain we've had to endure during this life.
God has provided for us every step of the way, from the moment we realized we would never again hear Maddox's heartbeat on this side of heaven to this moment tonight, where Andrew, our doggies and I are relaxing together in the living room after a walk to Rita's Italian Ice for some custard in a waffle cone. It's hard to imagine what we would be doing to celebrate Maddox's six-month "birthday", but this is our new normal. This is life for us at this point, enjoying each other's company, remembering our baby boy and looking forward to seeing him again in heaven.
Last week, Andrew and I drove home to North Carolina to see my youngest brother, JT, graduate from high school (with honors!). We had a wonderful visit, which included the highlight of having Maddox's headstone installed. It was installed on Thursday, June 7th. Andrew and I designed it together, and it was our goal (okay, it was my goal) to have it completed before our wedding anniversary. Mission accomplished: We're celebrating four years this coming Tuesday. We're probably a bit biased, but we think Maddox's headstone is absolutely perfect!
 |
| Maddox's photo and his actual hand and footprints are etched into his stone! |
Schulze
Our Little MVP
Born into heaven
December 13, 2011
Precious "sonshine" of
Andrew Wilhelm and
Amanda Brooke Lowe Schulze
We love you very much, and we'll see you soon.
The back says:
 |
| I'm one proud mama! |
 |
| We left him some flowers before heading back to Delaware Sunday morning. |
I feel at peace knowing that Maddox's stone is in place. I anticipated feeling upset knowing that I no longer have any way to take care of him. In reality, as I shared with Meghan today, I feel accomplished and satisfied knowing that at every step of the way, from the moment I found out I was pregnant until the installation of his headstone, I cared for Maddox and gave him the very best I could. I love him with my whole heart and more, and I can't wait to see him again real soon.
P.S. I will be out of the country (in AFRICA!) for business from June 18th through July 3rd. Please don't worry or be surprised if you don't see any updates from me until I return. Prayers for Andrew and me during our time apart would be greatly appreciated; it will be our first time apart since we lost Maddox.
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