One of the awful things about losing Maddox, other than the obvious, is that I have terrible, haunting dreams now. For as long as I can remember, I have dreamed every night, in color, and often my dreams are bizarre. Add grief to that and I have a lot of messed up dreams. They're dreams that stay with me all day, dreams I can't stop thinking about.
Last night, I dreamed that Andrew and I were pregnant with another boy. We were at the hospital because I was in labor, and when it was just the two of us in the room, it came time for the baby to come. I can't tell you how real the anticipation from my dream felt, how excited we were at another chance to be parents. With Andrew by my side, I gave birth to our second baby boy and to our horror, he wasn't breathing. I laid the baby down on the bed and tried to revive him while Andrew ran to find a doctor or nurse to help us. I begged and begged the baby to please, please wake up, to please breathe... please not again. Of course, my attempts were in vain.
These dreams are awful.
In the weeks immediately after losing Maddox, I dreamed about him several times. It's one of the reasons I avoided sleep at all costs. In all of my dreams, he was either stillborn or he was born alive but I knew he was going to die. In one dream, we were still at the hospital and a nurse was changing his clothes. When she handed him back to me, he was awake. I looked at the nurse and said to her, "Thank you. My baby was born dead, but now he is alive."
It's heartbreaking to live and relive our loss in my dreams. Frankly, it's exhausting.
Before bed last night, I prayed that God would give me a glimpse of how Maddox is doing, if that's even allowed. Instead, I dreamed I gave birth to another stillborn baby. I'm not upset with God though; I think it's Satan trying to kick me while I'm vulnerable and down. He's using my pain and my anxieties to hit me where it hurts.
But Satan can't win - not now, not ever.
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
It's a...
One year ago today was one of the happiest days of our lives. Andrew and I hosted a gender reveal party at our then-home to share the excitement of finding out our baby's gender with our closest family and friends. There was such joyful anticipation on that day, and then the moment came to open the envelope and find out whether our baby was Brooklyn Kelly or Maddox Wilhelm Prime.
I love Andrew's reaction so much. I'm sure at that moment he was the proudest daddy on the face of the planet! Thank you to my sister-in-law, Tabitha, for catching this on video. I'm so happy that this is a moment we can live over and over again.
I miss Maddox today and every day. The tears are welling up in my eyes as I write this. Whoever came up with saying "Out of sight, out of mind" obviously never lost a child. My boy is on my mind all the time.
I will say though, that my days have gotten better since Maddox's headstone was installed last month. We have done everything possible to take care of our little man, and having his beautiful stone set in place brought me a great sense of closure. I still get sad and depressed, I still cry for him, I still selfishly want him on earth with me instead of in heaven with God. But I do feel that "peace that passes all understanding" (Philippians 4:7). Let's be real, who in their right mind would hear a mother whose baby has died tell you that she's okay without thinking she's heartless or insane? But I am okay, and I'm not heartless or insane. I have put my faith in the Lord, and "I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content" (verse 11) because "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" (verse 13).
God is with me. He is faithful. I trust in Him. ♥
God is with me. He is faithful. I trust in Him. ♥
Friday, July 6, 2012
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Six Months... Already?
Maddox would have been six months old today. Perhaps the most surprising feeling I've had today is that, as terribly awful as this has been so far, it's okay that he's not with us.
As much as Andrew and I want our baby boy with us, we trust in God's plan and His sovereignty. We believe that good has come from our loss, that good will continue to come from it as we share our story with others, and that it is but a small piece of God's universe-sized puzzle. Our time on earth is limited, and the joys and greatness of eternity in heaven will effortlessly wipe away the pain we've had to endure during this life.
God has provided for us every step of the way, from the moment we realized we would never again hear Maddox's heartbeat on this side of heaven to this moment tonight, where Andrew, our doggies and I are relaxing together in the living room after a walk to Rita's Italian Ice for some custard in a waffle cone. It's hard to imagine what we would be doing to celebrate Maddox's six-month "birthday", but this is our new normal. This is life for us at this point, enjoying each other's company, remembering our baby boy and looking forward to seeing him again in heaven.
Last week, Andrew and I drove home to North Carolina to see my youngest brother, JT, graduate from high school (with honors!). We had a wonderful visit, which included the highlight of having Maddox's headstone installed. It was installed on Thursday, June 7th. Andrew and I designed it together, and it was our goal (okay, it was my goal) to have it completed before our wedding anniversary. Mission accomplished: We're celebrating four years this coming Tuesday. We're probably a bit biased, but we think Maddox's headstone is absolutely perfect!
The inscription says:
Maddox Wilhelm Prime
Schulze
Our Little MVP
Born into heaven
December 13, 2011
Precious "sonshine" of
Andrew Wilhelm and
Amanda Brooke Lowe Schulze
We love you very much, and we'll see you soon.
The back says:
"And Job said, 'Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I shall return. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.'" Job 1:21
I feel at peace knowing that Maddox's stone is in place. I anticipated feeling upset knowing that I no longer have any way to take care of him. In reality, as I shared with Meghan today, I feel accomplished and satisfied knowing that at every step of the way, from the moment I found out I was pregnant until the installation of his headstone, I cared for Maddox and gave him the very best I could. I love him with my whole heart and more, and I can't wait to see him again real soon.
P.S. I will be out of the country (in AFRICA!) for business from June 18th through July 3rd. Please don't worry or be surprised if you don't see any updates from me until I return. Prayers for Andrew and me during our time apart would be greatly appreciated; it will be our first time apart since we lost Maddox.
As much as Andrew and I want our baby boy with us, we trust in God's plan and His sovereignty. We believe that good has come from our loss, that good will continue to come from it as we share our story with others, and that it is but a small piece of God's universe-sized puzzle. Our time on earth is limited, and the joys and greatness of eternity in heaven will effortlessly wipe away the pain we've had to endure during this life.
God has provided for us every step of the way, from the moment we realized we would never again hear Maddox's heartbeat on this side of heaven to this moment tonight, where Andrew, our doggies and I are relaxing together in the living room after a walk to Rita's Italian Ice for some custard in a waffle cone. It's hard to imagine what we would be doing to celebrate Maddox's six-month "birthday", but this is our new normal. This is life for us at this point, enjoying each other's company, remembering our baby boy and looking forward to seeing him again in heaven.
Last week, Andrew and I drove home to North Carolina to see my youngest brother, JT, graduate from high school (with honors!). We had a wonderful visit, which included the highlight of having Maddox's headstone installed. It was installed on Thursday, June 7th. Andrew and I designed it together, and it was our goal (okay, it was my goal) to have it completed before our wedding anniversary. Mission accomplished: We're celebrating four years this coming Tuesday. We're probably a bit biased, but we think Maddox's headstone is absolutely perfect!
 |
| Maddox's photo and his actual hand and footprints are etched into his stone! |
Schulze
Our Little MVP
Born into heaven
December 13, 2011
Precious "sonshine" of
Andrew Wilhelm and
Amanda Brooke Lowe Schulze
We love you very much, and we'll see you soon.
The back says:
 |
| I'm one proud mama! |
 |
| We left him some flowers before heading back to Delaware Sunday morning. |
I feel at peace knowing that Maddox's stone is in place. I anticipated feeling upset knowing that I no longer have any way to take care of him. In reality, as I shared with Meghan today, I feel accomplished and satisfied knowing that at every step of the way, from the moment I found out I was pregnant until the installation of his headstone, I cared for Maddox and gave him the very best I could. I love him with my whole heart and more, and I can't wait to see him again real soon.
P.S. I will be out of the country (in AFRICA!) for business from June 18th through July 3rd. Please don't worry or be surprised if you don't see any updates from me until I return. Prayers for Andrew and me during our time apart would be greatly appreciated; it will be our first time apart since we lost Maddox.
Friday, June 1, 2012
Chasing a Dream
Very strongly recently, I have felt God pulling on my heart. He is gentle, but His persistence cannot be mistaken. He has been showing me that I am chasing a dream, and it needs to stop.
For the past several weeks, the desire to have another baby has been an almost constant presence in my heart and mind. Not surprisingly, this has caused me to feel anxious and to want to take control of my life. I have talked with Andrew about wanting another baby now; it is a blessing to be able to share my desires with him. We agree that now is not the time, we are going to wait a while yet, and I am okay with that.
I can accept that we are waiting to try to have our second child, so I get to dreaming instead. When I get to dreaming, Satan snatches up the opportunity and gets to scheming. He starts throwing those terrible what-ifs at me: What if we have another stillborn baby? What if I have a miscarriage? What if I can't get pregnant at all? What if I never get to fill the hole in my heart with a baby I get to love and mother on earth? Satan hits me with these things, and then I start thinking that Andrew and I better just try to have another baby right this instant so that we can deal with those what-if problems now... just in case they arise.
Silly me, trying to control things again. You would think that after last year, the year God made it clear to me that HE is in control and I am NOT, you would think that I would have learned my lesson. I haven't learned it quite yet, but I am certainly working on it. I am searching, I am seeking... and I am reading.
At the recommendation of a new friend, I have spent the last week reading an incredible book called Hind's Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard. It is a beautiful picture of the Christian life, of a Christian's decision to place her life in God's hands again and again, despite her life's sorrow and suffering. I highly recommend it; I am looking forward to reading it again, and taking notes next time!
Another book that has been helpful is Empty Promises by Pete Wilson. I was attracted to it because of its subtitle: The Truth About You, Your Desires, and the Lies You're Believing. I'll be honest, the majority of the book has not applied to me, but chapter nine called "Chasing a Dream" hit the nail on the head. I want to share an excerpt from pages 152-153 to show you what I mean (emphasis added is my own):
Jesus, please help me seek you in the midst of the craziness that is my life. Help me surrender my desires to you and replace them with the desire to pursue you and Your will for my life first and foremost. I trust you with what I think is valuable, and I pray that you will help me open my hands and release what I find valuable to you. You are amazing, God. Thank you for my baby boy, thank you that he is with you, and thank you for bringing me to this place with you. I love you. Amen
For the past several weeks, the desire to have another baby has been an almost constant presence in my heart and mind. Not surprisingly, this has caused me to feel anxious and to want to take control of my life. I have talked with Andrew about wanting another baby now; it is a blessing to be able to share my desires with him. We agree that now is not the time, we are going to wait a while yet, and I am okay with that.
I can accept that we are waiting to try to have our second child, so I get to dreaming instead. When I get to dreaming, Satan snatches up the opportunity and gets to scheming. He starts throwing those terrible what-ifs at me: What if we have another stillborn baby? What if I have a miscarriage? What if I can't get pregnant at all? What if I never get to fill the hole in my heart with a baby I get to love and mother on earth? Satan hits me with these things, and then I start thinking that Andrew and I better just try to have another baby right this instant so that we can deal with those what-if problems now... just in case they arise.
Silly me, trying to control things again. You would think that after last year, the year God made it clear to me that HE is in control and I am NOT, you would think that I would have learned my lesson. I haven't learned it quite yet, but I am certainly working on it. I am searching, I am seeking... and I am reading.
At the recommendation of a new friend, I have spent the last week reading an incredible book called Hind's Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard. It is a beautiful picture of the Christian life, of a Christian's decision to place her life in God's hands again and again, despite her life's sorrow and suffering. I highly recommend it; I am looking forward to reading it again, and taking notes next time!
Another book that has been helpful is Empty Promises by Pete Wilson. I was attracted to it because of its subtitle: The Truth About You, Your Desires, and the Lies You're Believing. I'll be honest, the majority of the book has not applied to me, but chapter nine called "Chasing a Dream" hit the nail on the head. I want to share an excerpt from pages 152-153 to show you what I mean (emphasis added is my own):
"I realize you may be facing heavy discouragement or deep heartache because you hold tightly in your hands a very detailed picture of the way you hoped your life would turn out. When you compare that picture with reality, the differences are obvious.
But I firmly believe that if you are willing to trust the God who says, 'I will,' [Genesis 12] nothing that is of eternal value in this life is at risk. You ultimately have nothing to fear.
Fear enters our minds and begins to take over when we cling too tightly to those pictures of what we think our futures should look like, elevating them to idolatry status and diminishing the Artist of those very pictures.
It's those unexpected shattered-dream moments that provide us with twists and turns in life where we meet God. Rarely do we surrender when we feel strong and in control. But when a dream is shattered, when life takes an unexpected turn and veers out of control, that's when we fall to our knees. That's when a new dream can grow.
There's a lot about what happens to us life that we cannot control. What we can control, however, is our willingness to seek God in the midst of all the craziness. Surrendering doesn't mean we spend less energy on pursing our dreams, but it does mean we spend less nervous energy. It means we see our dreams for what they are - possibilities and promises and goals, not sources of our peace and security. It means our confidence is no longer in our ability to achieve each one of our dreams, but in the strength and power of the God we claim to follow.
How do you get there? All it takes is a moment where, like Abraham, you relinquish your grip on your picture of the future and say, 'Jesus, I want to trust you with that. Even if it means risking all the stuff I think is valuable, all the good things I'm waiting for, I'm still going to trust you.'
And maybe even this moment, God is showing you something in your life that you know you need to let go of - or at least hold with open hands. It may be something good. It may even be something from him. But it's something you've been trusting to give you what only God can provide.
Often we're unaware that we even have an idol until our dreams get threatened. This is a fundamental truth about idolatry: prosperity tends to mask our idols; crisis tends to reveal them.
As long as things are going well in my life, as long as my picture of the way I want life to turn out matches up with the picture of my reality, I don't think I have an idol problem. But when there is a crisis, all of a sudden I realize, 'Man, I've been banking on this dream in a way that no dream should be banked on.'
Our dreams, no matter how great or noble they may be, always make lousy gods."I believe what Pete wrote: nothing of eternal value in my life is at risk. I have to put my dream of having another baby in its place and put Jesus back in His. I love God, and I trust Him. I trust Him with my life, and I choose to put Him first. I will not make an idol of my dream - it is a lousy god... and my true God, He is a great and mighty God!
Empty Promises by Pete Wilson, pages 152-153
Jesus, please help me seek you in the midst of the craziness that is my life. Help me surrender my desires to you and replace them with the desire to pursue you and Your will for my life first and foremost. I trust you with what I think is valuable, and I pray that you will help me open my hands and release what I find valuable to you. You are amazing, God. Thank you for my baby boy, thank you that he is with you, and thank you for bringing me to this place with you. I love you. Amen
Sunday, May 27, 2012
Prayer Journal - 14
Dear Lord,
Thank you for a wonderful night of fellowship. Thank you for bringing us to this place and for the opportunity to build new friendships. Thank you for allowing us to share so openly about Maddox and that his life has touched many others. Thank you for the vulnerability that Andrew and I shared with each other on the way home. Thank you that our boy is with you in heaven.
Lord, you are the lord of my life. You bless me more than I deserve, and you have a unique plan for my life. Please help me give it all up for you. Take away my fears, my fear of not being able to mother any more children. Make my number one desire to follow Your will and to accept this journey with joy, like Much-Afraid in Hinds' Feet on High Places. Lord, I trust you with all that I have, and I give my life up to you. I believe you want what is best for me. Be my only desire, the desire of my heart.
I love you, Lord.
Amen
Thank you for a wonderful night of fellowship. Thank you for bringing us to this place and for the opportunity to build new friendships. Thank you for allowing us to share so openly about Maddox and that his life has touched many others. Thank you for the vulnerability that Andrew and I shared with each other on the way home. Thank you that our boy is with you in heaven.
Lord, you are the lord of my life. You bless me more than I deserve, and you have a unique plan for my life. Please help me give it all up for you. Take away my fears, my fear of not being able to mother any more children. Make my number one desire to follow Your will and to accept this journey with joy, like Much-Afraid in Hinds' Feet on High Places. Lord, I trust you with all that I have, and I give my life up to you. I believe you want what is best for me. Be my only desire, the desire of my heart.
I love you, Lord.
Amen
Sunday, May 20, 2012
Hickory Grove – Delaware Campus
Since the Sunday morning of the baby dedication at our Delaware church, I have been afraid of going back to Sunday morning worship. Even though that morning showed me that I have strength through the Lord to survive this loss, the so-called “threat” of another baby dedication has been intimidating.
Instead, Andrew and I have been having church at home, thanks to our North Carolina church’s live service streaming website, HickoryGrove.tv. We’ve begun jokingly calling our living room “Hickory Grove – Delaware Campus”. Listening to our home pastor, Clint Pressley, preach these past few weeks has been a great source of comfort; also, it has reminded me of his incredible gift of teaching God’s Word.
This morning’s sermon spoke to me from beginning to end. It is so applicable to the depression I have felt in the wake of losing Maddox. It validated my pain through Scripture, David struggled with similar feelings and thoughts, and provided a Biblical approach for getting out of the spiritual dryness it is so easy to get stuck in.
I hope you will take a half hour to listen to Pastor Clint’s message in its entirety, but if you can’t, I have shared my personal notes from the sermon below the video.
Psalm 43-43
One of the most sadly beautiful poems of the Old Testament:
How do believers handle depression? Shouldn’t we be more optimistic, happier and more chipper?
David wasn’t. Yet all the while, he was holding on to his faith in the living God.
We’ve got to get beyond chipper Christianity. Chipper Christianity doesn’t help you deal with the stuff inside of you.
God uses the dryness of the desert so that you will crave the living water that is Jesus Christ.
Some of the causes of spiritual depression:
How to get out of spiritual depression:
Instead, Andrew and I have been having church at home, thanks to our North Carolina church’s live service streaming website, HickoryGrove.tv. We’ve begun jokingly calling our living room “Hickory Grove – Delaware Campus”. Listening to our home pastor, Clint Pressley, preach these past few weeks has been a great source of comfort; also, it has reminded me of his incredible gift of teaching God’s Word.
This morning’s sermon spoke to me from beginning to end. It is so applicable to the depression I have felt in the wake of losing Maddox. It validated my pain through Scripture, David struggled with similar feelings and thoughts, and provided a Biblical approach for getting out of the spiritual dryness it is so easy to get stuck in.
I hope you will take a half hour to listen to Pastor Clint’s message in its entirety, but if you can’t, I have shared my personal notes from the sermon below the video.
Psalm 43-43
One of the most sadly beautiful poems of the Old Testament:
Slow agony of a spiritual and emotional droughtThe Dark Night of the Soul = Depression
How do believers handle depression? Shouldn’t we be more optimistic, happier and more chipper?
David wasn’t. Yet all the while, he was holding on to his faith in the living God.
We’ve got to get beyond chipper Christianity. Chipper Christianity doesn’t help you deal with the stuff inside of you.
Some of the causes of spiritual depression:
- Feeling far away from God v. Psalm 42:1-2
“As a deer pants for flowing streams, so pants my soul for you, O God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When shall I come to appear before God?”
- The society you live in, it taunts you v. Psalm 42:3
“My tears have been my food day and night, while they say to me all the day long, ‘Where is your God?’”
- Memories of better days v. Psalm 42:4
“These things I remember, as I pour out my soul: how I would go with the throng and lead them in procession to the house of God with glad shouts and songs of praise, a multitude keeping festival.”
Be careful with memories. The blade of memory can cut both ways.
If you stay in the past, you paralyze your past and you rob your future. You must make sure that your memories are baptized in Jesus and put into the hands of God to use for your spiritual growth and not your spiritual stunting.
- Overwhelming trials of life v. Psalm 42:7
“Deep calls to deep at the roar of your waterfalls; all your breakers and your waves have gone over me.”
If you lose sight of the fact that God is in control, it’s easy to get spiritually depressed and burned out. Even still, by God’s grace, we can get out of the hole.
How to get out of spiritual depression:
- Seek God’s face v. Psalm 42:2
“My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When shall I come and appear before God?”
The Lord has put you in a dark, desperate, dry, desert place for you to thirst for Him. He built you with a mechanism that causes you to thirst spiritually when things get bad.
Seek the Lord!
- Remember who God is:
v. Psalm 42:2 – The Living God
v. Psalm 42:5 – The God of my Salvation
v. Psalm 42:8 – My Covenant God, The God of my Life
v. Psalm 42:9 – My Rock
v. Psalm 43:2 – My Refuge
- Remember how He loves v. Psalm 42:8
“By day the Lord commands His steadfast love, and at night His song is with me, a prayer to the God of my life.”
God uses the dryness of your life. He put you in that dryness – He does it – so that that mechanism in you, that thirst, will be triggered, and that thirst you have will drive you to come to the living water that is Jesus Christ.
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