Hard Morning at Church

Church was hard yesterday morning.

First, during worship we sang Blessed Be Your Name (different version than the Matt Redman music video below, but the words are the same). I've probably sung this song 100 times since I became a Christian and started listening to Christian radio nearly eight years ago. But I never felt the truth of these words until Sunday:

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's all as it should be
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say:
Lord, blessed be Your name

For the first time, I could sing those words knowing what it's like to bless the Lord's name while on the road marked with suffering, though there's pain in the offering. For the first time, I understood the weight of the "take away". And still, I choose to say, blessed be the name of the Lord!

I would never have chosen to walk this road, but blessed be the name of the Lord, indeed! It is a blessing to experience God's love and presence in this way. Yes, there is pain in the offering. I want Maddox here with us more than almost anything else I can think of. Other than serving God and living to glorify Him, to share the good news of salvation through Jesus Christ, I can think of nothing I want more. But God's hand is in this. Good will come from it. I feel like good has already come from it - in ways I know and many I maybe never will. I don't like it. Sometimes I feel like it's unfair. But I know that God is in control. I know He does all things out of the love He has for those who trust in Him. This is far from easy, but it is real. God is using this to refocus my attention on things that matter to Him, to bring me back to Him and to bring our relationship to a new level. I will bless His name forever.

Not only was all of this going through my head and heart during the church service, but at the end there was a baby dedication. A little boy named Nicholas, born December 22, 2011, just nine days after Maddox. I was a mess. I cried and cried. My heart cried out on its own, "That should have been us! We should be holding our smiling baby boy in front of the congregation as we commit to the Lord to do all things in our power to raise him in a God fearing home, to have trust and faith in Christ and to live his life for Him! Why not us?! Why did this happen to us? Why did we have to lose our son?!"

Easily the hardest church visit since we lost Maddox, but it showed me that I'm strong enough to survive this. I can do this with Him.