Another Mother's Day

Dear Maddox,

Today is 13th. It's hard to believe it's been 17 months since you were born. Mommy and Daddy wonder what you would be doing all the time, and it makes us sad to think of everything we've been missing out on since God called you to heaven. We miss you today and every day.

The words don't come easily lately, but my lack of writing doesn't mean I'm thinking of you any less. Mommy's heart just hurts. She misses you and she misses Daddy.

Mommy loves you, Maddox. </3

International Bereaved Mother's Day

Learn more about International Bereaved Mother's Day and the history of Mother's Day at CarlyMarie Project Heal.

I welcome every opportunity to share about the life of my little man Maddox, and I welcome another special way to honor his memory and bring awareness to stillbirth, miscarriage and infant and child loss.

Thank you to the following mommas for raising awareness for those of us in the loss community and our children in heaven.

Carrie @ 20-Something Homemaker
Sarah @ Life and Grace
CarlyMarie @ CarlyMarie Project Heal
Larissa @ Love is Deeper Still

First Birthday & A New Year

Dear Maddox,

Even though you couldn't be with us, we still celebrated you on what would have been your first birthday on the 13th. Nanny, Pop-pop and Uncle JT sent you light blue balloon and a homemade birthday card that had Batman stickers all over its envelope! Aunt Meghan and Uncle Sam sent you a card all the way from their new home in Alaska! They couldn't have picked a cooler card for you - it has Batman, Superman, Flash and Green Lantern on it! Here's the front of your card:

Birthday Card from Aunt & Uncle Curtis

On your birthday, Nanny, Pop-pop, Glammy and Uncle JT went to visit you in Gold Hill. They brought you your own birthday cake and balloon to celebrate! They even brought you a Santa Claus, Christmas tree and sock monkey, and Glammy brought a picture of you and her together on the morning you were born.

Happy 1st Birthday, Maddox!

 

Mommy and Daddy wanted to visit you in Gold Hill on your birthday too, but we're still living in Delaware. It was hard not being able to be close to you on your special day. We did our best to celebrate and remember you here. We took off work so we could be together. We slept in and when we woke up, the first thing I did was cry for you while Daddy held me close. He's such a good daddy, Maddox. He loves you and me very much. To make the day special, we booked a couples massage and went to dinner at The Melting Pot. It wasn't the typical party for a 1-year-old, but sharing the day together on your special day meant a lot to both of us. You give us so much to celebrate!

For your birthday, Aunt Meghan sent me a very special gift. As soon as I opened it, I knew it was perfect. All year she had been writing to you... just like Mommy! She put her letters to you (and some to me) in a beautiful photo book using photos she'd taken in Gold Hill. 

Aunt Meghan's Dear Maddox book is amazing. It is filled with so many personal touches and so much heart - I can't begin to describe how lovely it is. I read it cover to cover the moment I got it, and I cried for you. I sobbed for you (poor Scooter and Thermometer didn't know what was wrong!). And I thanked God for you and the unbelievable friend I have in Meghan.

As soon as we lost you, Meghan told me she would carry this burden with me, that I would never be alone. She told me, in the words of Martina McBride, she was gonna love me through it. She sure has. I can't even write any of this without crying. From the minute I called her with the news that you had gone on to heaven to this minute now, Meghan has carried the grief of losing you with me, and I have never felt alone, not for one second.

I've got pause right here to tell you baby, you are so loved. Not just by your Momma and Daddy, but by your Aunt Meghan and Uncle Sam, your Nanny and Pop-pop, Glammy, Opa, all of your aunts and uncles and the friends you still have here. You are loved!

The week after your birthday, while we were home for Christmas, we got to go visit you in Gold Hill. Your Great-Momaw Girley, Great-Popaw Lindsey and Great-Aunt Stacey came, too! It was a wonderful visit, and I'm so glad we all got to go see you together.

Great-Popaw Lindsey & Great-Momaw Girley
They brought you a pretty Christmas tree!

Daddy, Mommy, Great-Momaw Girley, Great-Popaw Lindsey,

Great-Aunt Stacey, Wade & Pop-pop (Nanny was taking the

picture!) came for a big visit the week of Christmas!

And here we are, winding down 2012...

I remember so clearly December 14, 2011, the morning I woke up and realized it was no longer your birth day. Then came January 1, 2012, and it was no longer your birth year. As December 2012 comes to an end, all of what would have been your firsts have passed, and soon it won't be last December that we lost you, but the December before last. And the time will continue to pass by as it has since the beginning of time, before you or Mommy or Daddy were ever born, although God had written all of our days in His book by then.

Some days drag on while we wait to meet up with you in heaven. Other days fly by. King David says in Psalm 144:4 that, "Man is like a breath; his days are like a passing shadow." When I think of our time on earth being like a breath or a passing shadow, that quick, I wonder if you wonder what all our fuss is about down here. For all I know, for you the time we've spent apart so far has passed as quickly as a few seconds, less time than it's taken me to form this sentence and type it out. Even a few seconds seems too long a time for us to be separated.

Mommy and Daddy miss you so much, Mad. We talk about you every day. It's still so strange to us that you're not growing up with us. We're hopeful that one day soon, maybe in 2013, your baby brother or sister will join us. Even though no one will replace you - ever - we look forward to seeing bits of what you would be like in him or her. We know you'll be a great big brother!

I love you, Maddox!

Mommy

The Last Day

A year ago today was the last day my heart was whole.

A year ago today was Sunday, and like so many Sundays before our move to Delaware, our good friends Molly and Lee came over for breakfast and the live stream of our church's worship service (aka Hickory Grove - Salisbury Campus). We had French toast, bacon and fruit, like always, and watched the sermon and chatted about the excitement of the "any day now" arrival of our little boy. That evening, Andrew and I watched Miracle on 34th Street, and I sat in our living room floor with my huge prego gut and finished the last of our gift wrapping for Christmas.

A year ago tomorrow, I woke up to signs that it's-really-happening labor would begin soon. My husband and I rode to work together for what I was sure would be my last day at work before meeting my baby boy. It wasn't until that afternoon at our 39-week prenatal appointment that Andrew and I would hear the most devastating news of our lives.

I can't find the heartbeat. (Read: We Lost Maddox)

A year ago tomorrow, a part of my heart left for heaven for Maddox to keep with him. God has held me in His arms, Andrew has walked beside me, and our faithful friends and family encouraged us to keep going as we've survived our first year of grief. I am overwhelmed when I think of how I have been carried through this year with the truly awesome support from my Savior Jesus Christ, my soulmate and better friends and family than I could have asked for. God's presence has been real in my life, His sovereignty beyond sufficient. I am amazed that I've made it this far, but I know He has plans for me.

My heart will not be whole again on this side of heaven, and I can live with that. Besides salvation and my husband, Maddox is the greatest gift God has ever given me, and I wouldn't trade my time with him to spare myself this grief. I love him very much and I miss him every day, and I am so thankful to be his mommy.

Divine Appointments

Maddox’s would-be first birthday is only a week away. I’m having a hard time missing him tonight, so I'm here to share.

I believe in God’s sovereignty, that He is all-knowing and that He is all-powerful. I believe that God wrote all of my days and every moment in them in His book before the beginning of time (Psalm 139:16). I cling to these beliefs and they have helped see me through this trying year. Because I believe in God’s omniscience (His infinite knowledge) and omnipresence (that He is everywhere all at once), I don’t believe in coincidence. I believe He is in every moment. God is with me now and has walked before me to meet me in my future, no matter what tomorrow brings. All that said, I do believe in divine appointments, and I’d like to share three one of them from the past couple of weeks (I ran out of time to share the other two tonight).

Last Monday (or the Monday before?) at work, I had to reach out to a service provider for the company I work for to get assistance installing software on my computer. It’s Monday morning, right? To give you an idea of my mood at the time, let’s put it this way: I’m sad the weekend’s over, I’m busy ‘cause it’s Monday and the last thing I want to do is spend an hour on the phone talking to an IT person about getting this software to work. God sure showed me. By chance, the person who was supposed to help me wasn’t available and had one of her colleagues call me instead – and he was the nicest guy! We made small talk while we worked through the software problem I was having.

When you find out that someone’s around your age and married like you, the follow-up question is always, “Do you have any kids?” Always. Guaranteed. 100% of the time!

Something I committed to in the earliest days after giving birth to Maddox is sharing him with every opportunity I get. I quickly realized how common stillbirth is, but that so few people were open about their losses. Andrew and I agreed that we would recognize Maddox as one of our children for as long as we live. When people ask us if we have kids we say that our son Maddox is in heaven. When we have more children someday and we’re asked how many kids we have, our answer won’t only include our living children; we’ll always have +1, Maddox in heaven.

And that’s always a perfect segue to talking about God and how even through the unimaginable nightmare of losing a child, He is worthy of our praise!

That Monday morning, God took a phone call that I didn’t want to have and turned it into one of the best conversations I’ve had about Him and Maddox in months. I love to share Maddox with new people, even when it’s hard sometimes, and Shane was genuinely interested in hearing about him, learning how to respond to others who have lost a child through miscarriage or stillbirth, and – the best part – praising God for the divine appointment He’d orchestrated thousands of years ago. Talk about a good Monday!

My conversation with Shane and sharing this now reminds me of a blog post my greatest friend, Meghan, shared with me a couple weeks after Maddox was born. I dug through my email tonight to find the link – The Nonconformist Mom. At that time, it was too hard for me to read most of Jennifer’s posts about her dear friend’s loss (and subsequent loss), but one thing I did have the strength to read has stuck with me all year.

In a post titled “God’s Grace in Zion”, Jennifer says:

Think, had Zion [her friend’s stillborn son] lived here on earth, the most that would have happened is that people would bring over buckets of KFC for a week…maybe buy a pack of diapers. Things would go on as normal.

But now…people are praying. All over the world…as far away as Israel and maybe further…people are searching. People are begging for peace and mercy. God is being praised. God is being glorified. Faith is being increased. It’s a beautiful thing.

A beautiful thing indeed! It would have been a lot of fun to be able to answer Shane’s question by telling him about our 11-month-old boy who gets into everything and leaves me exhausted. But Jennifer is right when she says about Zion earlier in the same post, "Without opening his eyes, he preaches. Without speaking a word, he testifies to the grace and sovereignty of God." The same is true of Maddox. His life and death has caused prayers to be prayed and God to be praised. All year people have prayed. All year people have praised Him. From the moment we learned that Maddox had gone on to heaven to this very second, his life and our shared story has pointed straight to God. I’m humbled that God would use Andrew, Maddox and me in this way.

I would never ask for this. In fact, I have asked God to take this cup from me a hundred times. I wish Maddox was here every second of every day, but praise God for the life that Maddox had and praise God for this journey that has brought us closer to Him!

Thank you, Lord, for our little boy and that the first time he opened his eyes it was Jesus' face he saw.

This is still hard.

Dear Maddox,

It's been a while since I've sat down to write about how much I miss you, but you know that I have thought of you every moment of every day since then. This is still hard, living life without you with us. For a few weeks in late summer, I started to feel normal again. I even stopped taking my antidepressants last month. But the hard days still come, the days I want to do nothing but lay in bed while Daddy holds me and I cry for you and what we're missing. I still can't believe you're not with us. How can it be true?

You would be 11 months old now. I don't even know what an 11-month-old baby does. One of the babies from Sunday school who would be your friend is already saying "mama". Another baby you might know is walking already. What would you look like now? What would your words sound like? Would you cling more to Mommy or to Daddy? Or would you be independent and nosy and getting into whatever you could get your hands on?

My grief for you is getting hard again as we get into the holidays. Halloween has passed. What would you have dressed up as? As what would be your first Thanksgiving approaches, I can't help but imagine what it would be like with you with us at Nanny and Pop-pop's table. (Nanny just texted me to ask if we have any special food requests while we're visiting... I said rice krispie treats. What would be your favorite?) One of my favorite pictures of my pregnancy with you was taken with Pop-pop last Thanksgiving. I'm so sad that you won't be with us this year.

Maddox, Mommy + Pop-pop
Thanksgiving 2011

And what would be your first birthday is just a few weeks away. How would we celebrate together? Mommy has asked Daddy to take off work for your birthday and go somewhere special with her to remember you. We don't know where we'll go yet, and even though we'll enjoy some time together, nothing can compare to how fun life would be if you were still with us.

Maddox, Mommy and Daddy miss you so much. The tears are streaming down my face as I write this. There is so much love in my heart for you that it hurts that I can give it to you. Instead it just aches.

I've had a hard time missing you lately, not that it's ever been easy. I decided, to help me cope, to memorize Isaiah 43:2. It's been a couple of weeks and I still don't get it right every time, but the verse is so special to me. I can't even explain it to anyone without choking on the words. At your funeral, your friend Ethan sang a song he'd written in memory of his grandmother based on Isaiah 43:2. The verse is a promise made by the Lord to always walk with His followers, and I cling to it with all my strength when I am feeling weak.

"When you pass through the waters,

I will be with you; and through the rivers,

they shall not overwhelm you; when you

walk through fire, you shall not be burned,

and the flame shall not consume you."

Image credit: The Spirit Orchard

Isn't that amazing, baby? Even when I feel my worst, God hasn't left my side. He is with me, and He's with you, too. I'm sure He's told you something about this truth since you've been with Him in heaven. What makes this special verse even better is what surrounds it. Just before it, God says, "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine" (Isaiah 43:1b). And just after it, He says, "For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior" (Isaiah 43:3a). I am almost overwhelmed by the magnitude of those verses. God is with me and He has called me and I am His. He is the Lord my God, the Holy One of Israel, my Savior. I will not be burned! I will not be consumed!

Maddox, still some days Mommy doesn't know how she's going to make it through losing you. I love you so much and miss you every day. But I know you are with God in heaven. Psalm 139:16 tells us both that God saw us when we were in our mothers wombs and that even before then, our days were written in His book. God has known since before the beginning that I would be born and that I would lose you, He even knew the exact day it would happen. He knew when you would be conceived and the life you would have in my womb, and He knew that your life's purpose would be accomplished without you taking a single breath on this earth. I think it's pretty amazing that you did that, even if I don't understand why it had to happen that way and even though I wish every day that you were with me. 

Either He is God or He isn't. Everything I've experienced tells me that He is, and I will continue to live my life believing it is so.

I keep having dreams that I'm pregnant with your baby brother or sister. Last night, the baby was moving around so much, and I loved every second of it. Maddox, your movements were my favorite thing about being pregnant with you. Your kicks, your rolls, your hiccups. No baby will ever replace you, but I do look forward to having another baby someday, and I can't wait to tell him or her about you, too!

I love you, Maddy Waddy Mad Max Maddox. I always will.

Love, Mommy

"Our First Pregnancy" Photo Book

I'm happy to announce that the Shutterfly photo book I started during my pregnancy with Maddox is finally complete! I spent many hours during my pregnancy tweaking each page to perfection (no easy task considering my Type A personality!). It was emotionally difficult for me to revist this project after losing Maddox. The story of our first pregnancy didn't have the happy ending we imagined it would, but my heart is filled to be able to share the wonderful memories we made with Maddox.

"This is not where we planned to be

when we started this journey,

but this is how it is, and our God is in control."

-Stephen Curtis Chapman

Click here to view this photo book larger 
Start your own Shutterfly Photo Book today.

Nine Months

Dear Maddox,

Here we are, baby, nine months later. I can't believe you've been gone now for as long as you were with us. Mommy and Daddy miss you so much, more than words can say. We talk about you every day. Daddy is convinced that you would have gone pro in soccer and tennis by now and that you would soon be joining a ninja monastery. Sometimes I tell him that God called you home early to spare you from Daddy's teasing. He knows I'm kidding. Your daddy is a lot of fun and you two would be the best of friends. He loves you very much and is so proud of you. He has done a great job taking care of me since we lost you, too. I can't imagine doing this without him.

Mommy has been very depressed the past couple of months. I started seeing a new counselor, Pam, two weeks ago, and she is already helping me. It makes me happy to share you with someone new. I love every chance I get to talk about you, to speak your name out loud to someone other than Daddy or your sweet Aunt Meghan. Pam reminded me this week that my faith in God will continue to sustain me through losing you. I know it's true, but just like saying your name out loud, it's nice to hear God's truth from someone's mouth other than my own. I know He is taking the very best care of you, and I thank Him for the love He's shown our family. Maddox, as much as Daddy and I love you, God loves you more. My love for you is so big that it's hard to imagine a greater one, but I know God's is bigger.

Little Man, I sure miss you. I wish I could scoop you up and snuggle your sweet face next to mine this very minute. I wish I could hear your laughing and babbling and pitter-pattering. Daddy and I can't wait to see you again. There isn't a second that goes by that you're not on our minds and not a single day we don't pray for you and thank God for you. I stand by the words I said to Daddy while holding your little body in the hours after your birth, I would do it all over again even if the outcome was the same. You are a precious gift to me, Maddox, and to Daddy.

We love you, and we'll see you soon.

Love,
Mommy

Maddox # 13

While Andrew and I were in line at Chick-Fil-A last night, we were behind a young girl wearing a sports jersey. Her name and number made me smile. It was one of those moments that makes me think it was God or Maddox letting us know he’s well and that, even though he’s not physically here, he’ll always be a part of us. I am still trying to figure out what I believe about the kind of communication God allows between our love ones up in heaven and us down here on earth. I spoke with the girl and her dad. I didn’t go into detail about him not making it, but I told them our son’s name is Maddox and that he was born on December 13th. They were very nice and thought it was neat, because their last name is Maddox. I miss our little man, and I like these special reminders of him.

The dreams haunt you.

One of the awful things about losing Maddox, other than the obvious, is that I have terrible, haunting dreams now. For as long as I can remember, I have dreamed every night, in color, and often my dreams are bizarre. Add grief to that and I have a lot of messed up dreams. They're dreams that stay with me all day, dreams I can't stop thinking about.

Last night, I dreamed that Andrew and I were pregnant with another boy. We were at the hospital because I was in labor, and when it was just the two of us in the room, it came time for the baby to come. I can't tell you how real the anticipation from my dream felt, how excited we were at another chance to be parents. With Andrew by my side, I gave birth to our second baby boy and to our horror, he wasn't breathing. I laid the baby down on the bed and tried to revive him while Andrew ran to find a doctor or nurse to help us. I begged and begged the baby to please, please wake up, to please breathe... please not again. Of course, my attempts were in vain.

These dreams are awful.

In the weeks immediately after losing Maddox, I dreamed about him several times. It's one of the reasons I avoided sleep at all costs. In all of my dreams, he was either stillborn or he was born alive but I knew he was going to die. In one dream, we were still at the hospital and a nurse was changing his clothes. When she handed him back to me, he was awake. I looked at the nurse and said to her, "Thank you. My baby was born dead, but now he is alive."

It's heartbreaking to live and relive our loss in my dreams. Frankly, it's exhausting.

Before bed last night, I prayed that God would give me a glimpse of how Maddox is doing, if that's even allowed. Instead, I dreamed I gave birth to another stillborn baby. I'm not upset with God though; I think it's Satan trying to kick me while I'm vulnerable and down. He's using my pain and my anxieties to hit me where it hurts.

But Satan can't win - not now, not ever.

It's a...

One year ago today was one of the happiest days of our lives. Andrew and I hosted a gender reveal party at our then-home to share the excitement of finding out our baby's gender with our closest family and friends. There was such joyful anticipation on that day, and then the moment came to open the envelope and find out whether our baby was Brooklyn Kelly or Maddox Wilhelm Prime. 

I love Andrew's reaction so much. I'm sure at that moment he was the proudest daddy on the face of the planet! Thank you to my sister-in-law, Tabitha, for catching this on video. I'm so happy that this is a moment we can live over and over again.

I miss Maddox today and every day. The tears are welling up in my eyes as I write this. Whoever came up with saying "Out of sight, out of mind" obviously never lost a child. My boy is on my mind all the time.

I will say though, that my days have gotten better since Maddox's headstone was installed last month. We have done everything possible to take care of our little man, and having his beautiful stone set in place brought me a great sense of closure. I still get sad and depressed, I still cry for him, I still selfishly want him on earth with me instead of in heaven with God. But I do feel that "peace that passes all understanding" (Philippians 4:7). Let's be real, who in their right mind would hear a mother whose baby has died tell you that she's okay without thinking she's heartless or insane? But I am okay, and I'm not heartless or insane. I have put my faith in the Lord, and "I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content" (verse 11) because "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" (verse 13).

God is with me. He is faithful. I trust in Him.  ♥

Miss You

Dear Kid,

I miss you today, and all the other days, too.

Love,

Mom

Six Months... Already?

Maddox would have been six months old today. Perhaps the most surprising feeling I've had today is that, as terribly awful as this has been so far, it's okay that he's not with us.

As much as Andrew and I want our baby boy with us, we trust in God's plan and His sovereignty. We believe that good has come from our loss, that good will continue to come from it as we share our story with others, and that it is but a small piece of God's universe-sized puzzle. Our time on earth is limited,  and the joys and greatness of eternity in heaven will effortlessly wipe away the pain we've had to endure during this life.

God has provided for us every step of the way, from the moment we realized we would never again hear Maddox's heartbeat on this side of heaven to this moment tonight, where Andrew, our doggies and I are relaxing together in the living room after a walk to Rita's Italian Ice for some custard in a waffle cone. It's hard to imagine what we would be doing to celebrate Maddox's six-month "birthday", but this is our new normal. This is life for us at this point, enjoying each other's company, remembering our baby boy and looking forward to seeing him again in heaven.

Last week, Andrew and I drove home to North Carolina to see my youngest brother, JT, graduate from high school (with honors!). We had a wonderful visit, which included the highlight of having Maddox's headstone installed. It was installed on Thursday, June 7th. Andrew and I designed it together, and it was our goal (okay, it was my goal) to have it completed before our wedding anniversary. Mission accomplished: We're celebrating four years this coming Tuesday. We're probably a bit biased, but we think Maddox's headstone is absolutely perfect!

Maddox's photo and his actual hand and footprints
are etched into his stone!

The inscription says:

Maddox Wilhelm Prime
Schulze

Our Little MVP

Born into heaven
December 13, 2011

Precious "sonshine" of
Andrew Wilhelm and
Amanda Brooke Lowe Schulze

We love you very much, and we'll see you soon.

The back says:


"And Job said,'Naked I came frommy mother's womb,and naked I shall return.The Lord gave, andthe Lord has taken away;blessed be thename of the Lord.'"Job 1:21

I'm one proud mama!

We left him some flowers before heading
back to Delaware Sunday morning.

I feel at peace knowing that Maddox's stone is in place. I anticipated feeling upset knowing that I no longer have any way to take care of him. In reality, as I shared with Meghan today, I feel accomplished and satisfied knowing that at every step of the way, from the moment I found out I was pregnant until the installation of his headstone, I cared for Maddox and gave him the very best I could. I love him with my whole heart and more, and I can't wait to see him again real soon.

P.S. I will be out of the country (in AFRICA!) for business from June 18th through July 3rd. Please don't worry or be surprised if you don't see any updates from me until I return. Prayers for Andrew and me during our time apart would be greatly appreciated; it will be our first time apart since we lost Maddox.

Chasing a Dream

Very strongly recently, I have felt God pulling on my heart. He is gentle, but His persistence cannot be mistaken. He has been showing me that I am chasing a dream, and it needs to stop.

For the past several weeks, the desire to have another baby has been an almost constant presence in my heart and mind. Not surprisingly, this has caused me to feel anxious and to want to take control of my life. I have talked with Andrew about wanting another baby now; it is a blessing to be able to share my desires with him. We agree that now is not the time, we are going to wait a while yet, and I am okay with that.

I can accept that we are waiting to try to have our second child, so I get to dreaming instead. When I get to dreaming, Satan snatches up the opportunity and gets to scheming. He starts throwing those terrible what-ifs at me: What if we have another stillborn baby? What if I have a miscarriage? What if I can't get pregnant at all? What if I never get to fill the hole in my heart with a baby I get to love and mother on earth? Satan hits me with these things, and then I start thinking that Andrew and I better just try to have another baby right this instant so that we can deal with those what-if problems now... just in case they arise.

Silly me, trying to control things again. You would think that after last year, the year God made it clear to me that HE is in control and I am NOT, you would think that I would have learned my lesson. I haven't learned it quite yet, but I am certainly working on it. I am searching, I am seeking... and I am reading.

At the recommendation of a new friend, I have spent the last week reading an incredible book called Hind's Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard. It is a beautiful picture of the Christian life, of a Christian's decision to place her life in God's hands again and again, despite her life's sorrow and suffering. I highly recommend it; I am looking forward to reading it again, and taking notes next time!

Another book that has been helpful is Empty Promises by Pete Wilson. I was attracted to it because of its subtitle: The Truth About You, Your Desires, and the Lies You're Believing. I'll be honest, the majority of the book has not applied to me, but chapter nine called "Chasing a Dream" hit the nail on the head. I want to share an excerpt from pages 152-153 to show you what I mean (emphasis added is my own):

"I realize you may be facing heavy discouragement or deep heartache because you hold tightly in your hands a very detailed picture of the way you hoped your life would turn out. When you compare that picture with reality, the differences are obvious.

But I firmly believe that if you are willing to trust the God who says, 'I will,' [Genesis 12] nothing that is of eternal value in this life is at risk. You ultimately have nothing to fear.

Fear enters our minds and begins to take over when we cling too tightly to those pictures of what we think our futures should look like, elevating them to idolatry status and diminishing the Artist of those very pictures.

It's those unexpected shattered-dream moments that provide us with twists and turns in life where we meet God. Rarely do we surrender when we feel strong and in control. But when a dream is shattered, when life takes an unexpected turn and veers out of control, that's when we fall to our knees. That's when a new dream can grow.

There's a lot about what happens to us life that we cannot control. What we can control, however, is our willingness to seek God in the midst of all the craziness. Surrendering doesn't mean we spend less energy on pursing our dreams, but it does mean we spend less nervous energy. It means we see our dreams for what they are - possibilities and promises and goals, not sources of our peace and security. It means our confidence is no longer in our ability to achieve each one of our dreams, but in the strength and power of the God we claim to follow.

How do you get there? All it takes is a moment where, like Abraham, you relinquish your grip on your picture of the future and say, 'Jesus, I want to trust you with that. Even if it means risking all the stuff I think is valuable, all the good things I'm waiting for, I'm still going to trust you.'

And maybe even this moment, God is showing you something in your life that you know you need to let go of - or at least hold with open hands. It may be something good. It may even be something from him. But it's something you've been trusting to give you what only God can provide.

Often we're unaware that we even have an idol until our dreams get threatened. This is a fundamental truth about idolatry: prosperity tends to mask our idols; crisis tends to reveal them.

As long as things are going well in my life, as long as my picture of the way I want life to turn out matches up with the picture of my reality, I don't think I have an idol problem. But when there is a crisis, all of a sudden I realize, 'Man, I've been banking on this dream in a way that no dream should be banked on.' 

Our dreams, no matter how great or noble they may be, always make lousy gods."

Empty Promises by Pete Wilson, pages 152-153

I believe what Pete wrote: nothing of eternal value in my life is at risk. I have to put my dream of having another baby in its place and put Jesus back in His. I love God, and I trust Him. I trust Him with my life, and I choose to put Him first. I will not make an idol of my dream - it is a lousy god... and my true God, He is a great and mighty God!

Jesus, please help me seek you in the midst of the craziness that is my life. Help me surrender my desires to you and replace them with the desire to pursue you and Your will for my life first and foremost. I trust you with what I think is valuable, and I pray that you will help me open my hands and release what I find valuable to you. You are amazing, God. Thank you for my baby boy, thank you that he is with you, and thank you for bringing me to this place with you. I love you. Amen

Prayer Journal - 14

Dear Lord,

Thank you for a wonderful night of fellowship. Thank you for bringing us to this place and for the opportunity to build new friendships. Thank you for allowing us to share so openly about Maddox and that his life has touched many others. Thank you for the vulnerability that Andrew and I shared with each other on the way home. Thank you that our boy is with you in heaven.

Lord, you are the lord of my life. You bless me more than I deserve, and you have a unique plan for my life. Please help me give it all up for you. Take away my fears, my fear of not being able to mother any more children. Make my number one desire to follow Your will and to accept this journey with joy, like Much-Afraid in Hinds' Feet on High Places. Lord, I trust you with all that I have, and I give my life up to you. I believe you want what is best for me. Be my only desire, the desire of my heart.

I love you, Lord.

Amen

Hickory Grove – Delaware Campus

Since the Sunday morning of the baby dedication at our Delaware church, I have been afraid of going back to Sunday morning worship. Even though that morning showed me that I have strength through the Lord to survive this loss, the so-called “threat” of another baby dedication has been intimidating.

Instead, Andrew and I have been having church at home, thanks to our North Carolina church’s live service streaming website, HickoryGrove.tv. We’ve begun jokingly calling our living room “Hickory Grove – Delaware Campus”. Listening to our home pastor, Clint Pressley, preach these past few weeks has been a great source of comfort; also, it has reminded me of his incredible gift of teaching God’s Word.

This morning’s sermon spoke to me from beginning to end. It is so applicable to the depression I have felt in the wake of losing Maddox. It validated my pain through Scripture, David struggled with similar feelings and thoughts, and provided a Biblical approach for getting out of the spiritual dryness it is so easy to get stuck in.

I hope you will take a half hour to listen to Pastor Clint’s message in its entirety, but if you can’t, I have shared my personal notes from the sermon below the video.




Psalm 43-43
One of the most sadly beautiful poems of the Old Testament:

Slow agony of a spiritual and emotional drought

The Dark Night of the Soul = Depression

How do believers handle depression? Shouldn’t we be more optimistic, happier and more chipper?

David wasn’t. Yet all the while, he was holding on to his faith in the living God.

We’ve got to get beyond chipper Christianity. Chipper Christianity doesn’t help you deal with the stuff inside of you.


God uses the dryness of the desert so that you will crave the living water that is Jesus Christ.

Some of the causes of spiritual depression:

• Feeling far away from God v. Psalm 42:1-2
  “As a deer pants for flowing streams, so pants my soul for you, O God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When shall I come to appear before God?”
  
  
• The society you live in, it taunts you v. Psalm 42:3
  “My tears have been my food day and night, while they say to me all the day long, ‘Where is your God?’”
  
  
• Memories of better days v. Psalm 42:4
  “These things I remember, as I pour out my soul: how I would go with the throng and lead them in procession to the house of God with glad shouts and songs of praise, a multitude keeping festival.”
  
  Be careful with memories. The blade of memory can cut both ways.
  If you stay in the past, you paralyze your past and you rob your future. You must make sure that your memories are baptized in Jesus and put into the hands of God to use for your spiritual growth and not your spiritual stunting.
  
  
• Overwhelming trials of life v. Psalm 42:7
  “Deep calls to deep at the roar of your waterfalls; all your breakers and your waves have gone over me.”
  
  If you lose sight of the fact that God is in control, it’s easy to get spiritually depressed and burned out. Even still, by God’s grace, we can get out of the hole.

How to get out of spiritual depression:

• Seek God’s face v. Psalm 42:2
  “My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When shall I come and appear before God?”
  
  
  The Lord has put you in a dark, desperate, dry, desert place for you to thirst for Him. He built you with a mechanism that causes you to thirst spiritually when things get bad.
  
  Seek the Lord!

• Remember who God is:
  v. Psalm 42:2 – The Living God
  v. Psalm 42:5 – The God of my Salvation
  v. Psalm 42:8 – My Covenant God, The God of my Life
  v. Psalm 42:9 – My Rock
  v. Psalm 43:2 – My Refuge
  
  
• Remember how He loves v. Psalm 42:8
  “By day the Lord commands His steadfast love, and at night His song is with me, a prayer to the God of my life.”
  
  God uses the dryness of your life. He put you in that dryness – He does it – so that that mechanism in you, that thirst, will be triggered, and that thirst you have will drive you to come to the living water that is Jesus Christ.

Love at First Sight

I loved him before I saw him, and here he is. ♥

Our first sight of Baby Maddox at 9 weeks on May 16, 2011

"For You formed my inward parts;

You knitted me together in my mother’s womb."

- Psalm 139:13

The Hurt + the Healer Collide

"The Hurt & The Healer" by MercyMe

Why?
The question that is never far away
The healing doesn't come from the explained
Jesus please don't let this go in vain
You're all I have
All that remains

So here I am
What's left of me
Where glory meets my suffering

I'm alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I've fallen into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide

Breathe
Sometimes I feel it's all that I can do
Pain so deep that I can hardly move
Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You
Lord take hold and pull me through

So here I am
What's left of me
Where glory meets my suffering

I'm alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I've fallen into your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide

It's the moment when humanity
Is overcome by majesty
When grace is ushered in for good
And all the scars are understood
When mercy takes its rightful place
And all these questions fade away
When out of the weakness we must bow
And hear You say "It's over now"

I'm alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I've fallen into your arms open wide
When The hurt and the healer collide

Jesus come and break my fear
Awake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here
When the hurt and the healer collide

Jesus come and break my fear
Awake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here

owls + oaks: supporting stillbirth/SIDS awareness + research

I have learned many valuable, life-changing lessons during my past five months of grief since losing my stillborn son Maddox. One of those lessons is the importance and blessing of a good friend. When I think of my close friends and their incredible support and the comfort and strength they gave me in the days after Maddox was born, I am overcome. I am blessed beyond all measure.

Sometimes, I wonder if I would have been as good a friend to mine if they were in my shoes, but when I think of what blessings they have been to me, I can't imagine how I would ever begin to repay them. I thank God for the girls He has placed in my life.

One of those amazing girls is Meghan Curtis. I laugh when I think back to an argument in middle school that caused us not to speak to each other until sophomore year of high school, a few months after I was saved by God's grace. Since then, though, our friendship has grown into one of the most beautiful pictures of friendship that I have ever seen.

Meghan was a wonderful friend during my pregnancy. Many times, she offered up her talents to help make the celebrations of Maddox's life during my pregnancy special for us. She felt our joy and exciting anticipation, and when we unexpectedly lost Maddox 39 weeks into our pregnancy, she felt our sadness and gut-wrenching grief. She is a true friend in many ways, but to see her carry our burden, one that she doesn't have to bear, has amazed me. Meghan is more than a friend to me, she is the sister I never had, and she means more to me than I'll ever be able to express in words.

In honor of Meghan, please listen to "More Than You'll Ever Know" by Watermark:



Meghan, I love you dearly. May the blessings you've given to me return to you a hundredfold.

Meghan is easily the most creative and humbly talented person I know. There's a little joke among our circle of friends... any time you see something handmade and even remotely creative looking around our homes, you know that "Meghan made it!" It took a little nudging from a few of us, but after some success at a local indie handmade market in Boone, Meghan finally launched her Etsy page, Swallow's Heart, in 2011. She followed up this year with a her blog by the same name. A small amount of time on either site will show Meghan's kindhearted spirit and unique talent!

Several weeks ago, Meghan came to me with an idea. She wanted to start a special Swallow's Heart jewelry line in honor of Maddox. I was honored and again so very blessed by Meghan's thoughtfulness, and today, the owls + oaks collection was launched!

Click the image to be directed to the owls + oaks Etsy shop

Meghan has so generously offered to donate all of her profits from every owls + oaks item purchased to a memorial fund that Andrew and I have set up in memory of Maddox with First Candle. First Candle is a nonprofit organization  dedicated to increasing public participation and support in the fight against Stillbirth, Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS) and other causes of Sudden Unexpected Infant Death (SUID). I am grateful that Meghan has chosen to selflessly donate her time and talents to supporting stillbirth, SIDS and SUID research. It is a wonderful Mother's Day gift for me to know that the owls + oaks line will contribute to research that may someday eliminate the concern for stillbirth so that, one day, no other family will have to experience this loss.

If you would like to donate to make a donation to First Candle in memory of Maddox on your own, you are welcome to do so by visiting his personal memorial page, Maddox Wilhelm Prime Schulze Memorial Fund.

Yes, I am a mother.

Tomorrow is the big day, Mother's Day. It has never seemed so significant a day to me until now. Even last year, which I counted as my first Mother's Day because I was pregnant, wasn't a huge to-do. But this year, it's a mountain of a day to face, a day I've literally dreaded seeing for weeks.

What do you say to a heartbroken mother who has lost a child, or in my case, her only child? To a mother who can't be with her baby on Mother's Day, who feels a punch in the gut every time she sees or hears yet another Mother's Day advertisement? To a mother who fights back tears while wondering what Mother's Day card her child would have picked with his daddy for her while she trys to choose one for her own mother (and stepmother and mother-in-law)?

I'll give it to you straight, pay close attention... You say, Happy Mother's Day!

The most painful thing a person could do to me is ignore the fact that my son Maddox was conceived, grew in my womb, was born, was here, was loved and now, is gone. I have spoken with other mothers who have experienced loss, whether in recent months or decades ago, and not a single one has avoided the opportunity to talk about her baby, her little girl, her little boy. We mothers who have lost children are still mothers, and even those who have other living children, we are mothers to a baby who is in heaven. We are proud of our children, have been blessed by them, would do anything for them still, we miss them - especially on this day, we miss them - and, surprise, we want to talk about them!

This week has been a hard one, no doubt about it. In Bible study, I cried. At GriefShare, I cried. When invited to a Mother's Day lunch, I cried some more. Procrastinating the Mother's Day card section? Yep, cried again. Received Mother's Day cards of my own, and then cried about it? You betcha! Why? All because I miss my boy and I can't have him with me on my special day. Do I feel badly for being so sad? I can't say that I do. There is grief because there is love, and this pain hurts as it does because I love my son. Today, I take comfort in knowing that this pain is a sacrifice I am making as a mother because of the son I love so dearly.

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." -Matthew 5:4

I have been blessed in my journey of grief. From the moment we learned that Maddox's heart had stopped beating to this very minute, I have felt love and support from every direction. I have received validation from family, friends, complete strangers and from God that I am and will always be Maddox's mother. Death cannot steal my motherhood, and I will not allow it to!

It's seems such a small thing, but on Friday this week we got a FedEx delivery at the office, and the delivery man said so cheerfully, "Happy Mother's Day to you, if you're a mother!" My heart was filled with appreciation as I responded, "Yes, I am! Thank you!" Truthfully, it was that moment that I decided to attend the Mother's Day lunch Andrew and I were invited to attend. I had contemplated staying home to wallow in self-pity and bitterness and allow myself to be angry at all the mothers who get to celebrate Mother's Day with their children even though they treat them poorly and take them for granted. (Hey, grief is ugly!) But the second the FedEx man, who knows nothing about my loss, acknowledged my motherhood, I decided that I am going to persevere through tomorrow with as joyful a spirit as I can muster and praise God for the blessing of my son Maddox.

Thank you to all of my incredible family and friends who have taken a moment to wish me a Happy Mother's Day through cards and various sentiments. You are all blessings in my life, I love you dearly, and I thank you for walking through this painful but blessed journey with me. Above all, I thank my God for being my sustainer through each moment, sometimes second-to-second.

I am a mother. Tomorrow is my day. My son is not here with me, but nothing will ever take him from my heart. Praise God that I will see Maddox when we meet again soon in eternity!