We Lost Maddox

There is no way to say this other than to just say it. We lost Maddox.

Andrew and I went to our regularly scheduled midwife appointment this afternoon and Lisa couldn't find his heartbeat. Another midwife at our birth center tried to find his heartbeat and she was unsuccessful as well. Immediately, our midwife arranged for us to have an ultrasound. We followed her to that office where they confirmed Maddox's heartbeat is gone.

We are devastated. There really aren't words. It still seems so unreal to me, to both of us. Andrew is taking it a lot harder than I am right now. I think I am only able to focus because I still have to get through delivering Maddox.

After the ultrasound, we followed our midwife back to the birth center to pick up some medication to induce labor (I don't know the name of it) and came to the birth center here in Statesville. We were seen by them on Wednesday and since they're an OB/midwife office, we are allowed to deliver here even though Maddox will be stillborn.

We've been here since about 6:30 pm. We tried a second ultrasound just to make sure and there was definitely no heartbeat. Marcia (the midwife here) checked my cervix and I was not dilated at all, so that's when they gave me the medicine to jumpstart my labor.

It's been a slow process so far and there's no telling how long we'll be here. I'm so thankful to be able to continue with the natural birth process; I can even have a water birth just like I had hoped before this happened. We are planning to hold Maddox when he's born and to spend as much time with him as possible. We will get to stay with him as long as we want and all of our family will be able to hold him and say goodbye, too. There is a professional photographer who is coming to take pictures for us, which is so very nice. I know I will cherish those photos for the rest of my life.

Right now, my contractions are about 6 minutes apart. They're mildly painful. I'd actually been having contractions all day and didn't realize it because they didn't "hurt" like I expected them to.

I'm going to go lie down, will probably have Andrew come with me so we can have some alone time. Dad, Wendy, JT, Tab and Natalie are here. Rodney was here earlier and will come back tomorrow morning. Dad is upset that I am not at a hospital and is actually sitting out in the truck. I know he's just worried about my health and safety, but I have full confidence in the care I'm receiving and I am much more comfortable at the birth center than I would be at the hospital. Deb is on her way from Charlottesville and Bethany is on her way from Chattanooga.

We're not sure at this point what went wrong. The first ultrasound tech mentioned an abnormality in Maddox's abdomen, but we may never know for sure. We are ordering an autopsy once he is born and will also have blood and genetic testings.

I can't believe that I'll be planning a funeral this weekend instead of bringing my son home.