Very strongly recently, I have felt God pulling on my heart. He is gentle, but His persistence cannot be mistaken. He has been showing me that I am chasing a dream, and it needs to stop.
For the past several weeks, the desire to have another baby has been an almost constant presence in my heart and mind. Not surprisingly, this has caused me to feel anxious and to want to take control of my life. I have talked with Andrew about wanting another baby now; it is a blessing to be able to share my desires with him. We agree that now is not the time, we are going to wait a while yet, and I am okay with that.
I can accept that we are waiting to try to have our second child, so I get to dreaming instead. When I get to dreaming, Satan snatches up the opportunity and gets to scheming. He starts throwing those terrible what-ifs at me: What if we have another stillborn baby? What if I have a miscarriage? What if I can't get pregnant at all? What if I never get to fill the hole in my heart with a baby I get to love and mother on earth? Satan hits me with these things, and then I start thinking that Andrew and I better just try to have another baby right this instant so that we can deal with those what-if problems now... just in case they arise.
Silly me, trying to control things again. You would think that after last year, the year God made it clear to me that HE is in control and I am NOT, you would think that I would have learned my lesson. I haven't learned it quite yet, but I am certainly working on it. I am searching, I am seeking... and I am reading.
At the recommendation of a new friend, I have spent the last week reading an incredible book called
Hind's Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard. It is a beautiful picture of the Christian life, of a Christian's decision to place her life in God's hands again and again, despite her life's sorrow and suffering. I highly recommend it; I am looking forward to reading it again, and taking notes next time!
Another book that has been helpful is
Empty Promises by Pete Wilson. I was attracted to it because of its subtitle: The Truth About You, Your Desires, and the Lies You're Believing. I'll be honest, the majority of the book has not applied to me, but chapter nine called "Chasing a Dream" hit the nail on the head. I want to share an excerpt from pages 152-153 to show you what I mean (emphasis added is my own):
"I realize you may be facing heavy discouragement or deep heartache because you hold tightly in your hands a very detailed picture of the way you hoped your life would turn out. When you compare that picture with reality, the differences are obvious.
But I firmly believe that if you are willing to trust the God who says, 'I will,' [Genesis 12] nothing that is of eternal value in this life is at risk. You ultimately have nothing to fear.
Fear enters our minds and begins to take over when we cling too tightly to those pictures of what we think our futures should look like, elevating them to idolatry status and diminishing the Artist of those very pictures.
It's those unexpected shattered-dream moments that provide us with twists and turns in life where we meet God. Rarely do we surrender when we feel strong and in control. But when a dream is shattered, when life takes an unexpected turn and veers out of control, that's when we fall to our knees. That's when a new dream can grow.
There's a lot about what happens to us life that we cannot control. What we can control, however, is our willingness to seek God in the midst of all the craziness. Surrendering doesn't mean we spend less energy on pursing our dreams, but it does mean we spend less nervous energy. It means we see our dreams for what they are - possibilities and promises and goals, not sources of our peace and security. It means our confidence is no longer in our ability to achieve each one of our dreams, but in the strength and power of the God we claim to follow.
How do you get there? All it takes is a moment where, like Abraham, you relinquish your grip on your picture of the future and say, 'Jesus, I want to trust you with that. Even if it means risking all the stuff I think is valuable, all the good things I'm waiting for, I'm still going to trust you.'
And maybe even this moment, God is showing you something in your life that you know you need to let go of - or at least hold with open hands. It may be something good. It may even be something from him. But it's something you've been trusting to give you what only God can provide.
Often we're unaware that we even have an idol until our dreams get threatened. This is a fundamental truth about idolatry: prosperity tends to mask our idols; crisis tends to reveal them.
As long as things are going well in my life, as long as my picture of the way I want life to turn out matches up with the picture of my reality, I don't think I have an idol problem. But when there is a crisis, all of a sudden I realize, 'Man, I've been banking on this dream in a way that no dream should be banked on.'
Our dreams, no matter how great or noble they may be, always make lousy gods."
Empty Promises by Pete Wilson, pages 152-153
I believe what Pete wrote: nothing of eternal value in my life is at risk. I have to put my dream of having another baby in its place and put Jesus back in His. I love God, and I trust Him. I trust Him with my life, and I choose to put Him first. I will not make an idol of my dream - it is a lousy god... and my true God, He is a great and mighty God!
Jesus, please help me seek you in the midst of the craziness that is my life. Help me surrender my desires to you and replace them with the desire to pursue you and Your will for my life first and foremost. I trust you with what I think is valuable, and I pray that you will help me open my hands and release what I find valuable to you. You are amazing, God. Thank you for my baby boy, thank you that he is with you, and thank you for bringing me to this place with you. I love you. Amen
