Dear Lord,
Thank you for a wonderful night of fellowship. Thank you for bringing us to this place and for the opportunity to build new friendships. Thank you for allowing us to share so openly about Maddox and that his life has touched many others. Thank you for the vulnerability that Andrew and I shared with each other on the way home. Thank you that our boy is with you in heaven.
Lord, you are the lord of my life. You bless me more than I deserve, and you have a unique plan for my life. Please help me give it all up for you. Take away my fears, my fear of not being able to mother any more children. Make my number one desire to follow Your will and to accept this journey with joy, like Much-Afraid in Hinds' Feet on High Places. Lord, I trust you with all that I have, and I give my life up to you. I believe you want what is best for me. Be my only desire, the desire of my heart.
I love you, Lord.
Amen
Sunday, May 27, 2012
Sunday, May 20, 2012
Hickory Grove – Delaware Campus
Since the Sunday morning of the baby dedication at our Delaware church, I have been afraid of going back to Sunday morning worship. Even though that morning showed me that I have strength through the Lord to survive this loss, the so-called “threat” of another baby dedication has been intimidating.
Instead, Andrew and I have been having church at home, thanks to our North Carolina church’s live service streaming website, HickoryGrove.tv. We’ve begun jokingly calling our living room “Hickory Grove – Delaware Campus”. Listening to our home pastor, Clint Pressley, preach these past few weeks has been a great source of comfort; also, it has reminded me of his incredible gift of teaching God’s Word.
This morning’s sermon spoke to me from beginning to end. It is so applicable to the depression I have felt in the wake of losing Maddox. It validated my pain through Scripture, David struggled with similar feelings and thoughts, and provided a Biblical approach for getting out of the spiritual dryness it is so easy to get stuck in.
I hope you will take a half hour to listen to Pastor Clint’s message in its entirety, but if you can’t, I have shared my personal notes from the sermon below the video.
Psalm 43-43
One of the most sadly beautiful poems of the Old Testament:
How do believers handle depression? Shouldn’t we be more optimistic, happier and more chipper?
David wasn’t. Yet all the while, he was holding on to his faith in the living God.
We’ve got to get beyond chipper Christianity. Chipper Christianity doesn’t help you deal with the stuff inside of you.
God uses the dryness of the desert so that you will crave the living water that is Jesus Christ.
Some of the causes of spiritual depression:
How to get out of spiritual depression:
Instead, Andrew and I have been having church at home, thanks to our North Carolina church’s live service streaming website, HickoryGrove.tv. We’ve begun jokingly calling our living room “Hickory Grove – Delaware Campus”. Listening to our home pastor, Clint Pressley, preach these past few weeks has been a great source of comfort; also, it has reminded me of his incredible gift of teaching God’s Word.
This morning’s sermon spoke to me from beginning to end. It is so applicable to the depression I have felt in the wake of losing Maddox. It validated my pain through Scripture, David struggled with similar feelings and thoughts, and provided a Biblical approach for getting out of the spiritual dryness it is so easy to get stuck in.
I hope you will take a half hour to listen to Pastor Clint’s message in its entirety, but if you can’t, I have shared my personal notes from the sermon below the video.
Psalm 43-43
One of the most sadly beautiful poems of the Old Testament:
Slow agony of a spiritual and emotional droughtThe Dark Night of the Soul = Depression
How do believers handle depression? Shouldn’t we be more optimistic, happier and more chipper?
David wasn’t. Yet all the while, he was holding on to his faith in the living God.
We’ve got to get beyond chipper Christianity. Chipper Christianity doesn’t help you deal with the stuff inside of you.
Some of the causes of spiritual depression:
- Feeling far away from God v. Psalm 42:1-2
“As a deer pants for flowing streams, so pants my soul for you, O God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When shall I come to appear before God?”
- The society you live in, it taunts you v. Psalm 42:3
“My tears have been my food day and night, while they say to me all the day long, ‘Where is your God?’”
- Memories of better days v. Psalm 42:4
“These things I remember, as I pour out my soul: how I would go with the throng and lead them in procession to the house of God with glad shouts and songs of praise, a multitude keeping festival.”
Be careful with memories. The blade of memory can cut both ways.
If you stay in the past, you paralyze your past and you rob your future. You must make sure that your memories are baptized in Jesus and put into the hands of God to use for your spiritual growth and not your spiritual stunting.
- Overwhelming trials of life v. Psalm 42:7
“Deep calls to deep at the roar of your waterfalls; all your breakers and your waves have gone over me.”
If you lose sight of the fact that God is in control, it’s easy to get spiritually depressed and burned out. Even still, by God’s grace, we can get out of the hole.
How to get out of spiritual depression:
- Seek God’s face v. Psalm 42:2
“My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When shall I come and appear before God?”
The Lord has put you in a dark, desperate, dry, desert place for you to thirst for Him. He built you with a mechanism that causes you to thirst spiritually when things get bad.
Seek the Lord!
- Remember who God is:
v. Psalm 42:2 – The Living God
v. Psalm 42:5 – The God of my Salvation
v. Psalm 42:8 – My Covenant God, The God of my Life
v. Psalm 42:9 – My Rock
v. Psalm 43:2 – My Refuge
- Remember how He loves v. Psalm 42:8
“By day the Lord commands His steadfast love, and at night His song is with me, a prayer to the God of my life.”
God uses the dryness of your life. He put you in that dryness – He does it – so that that mechanism in you, that thirst, will be triggered, and that thirst you have will drive you to come to the living water that is Jesus Christ.
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Love at First Sight
I loved him before I saw him, and here he is. ♥
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| Our first sight of Baby Maddox at 9 weeks on May 16, 2011 |
"For You formed my inward parts;
You knitted me together in my mother’s womb."
- Psalm 139:13
Monday, May 14, 2012
The Hurt + the Healer Collide
"The Hurt & The Healer" by MercyMe
Why?
The question that is never far away
The healing doesn't come from the explained
Jesus please don't let this go in vain
You're all I have
All that remains
So here I am
What's left of me
Where glory meets my suffering
I'm alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I've fallen into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide
Breathe
Sometimes I feel it's all that I can do
Pain so deep that I can hardly move
Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You
Lord take hold and pull me through
So here I am
What's left of me
Where glory meets my suffering
I'm alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I've fallen into your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide
It's the moment when humanity
Is overcome by majesty
When grace is ushered in for good
And all the scars are understood
When mercy takes its rightful place
And all these questions fade away
When out of the weakness we must bow
And hear You say "It's over now"
I'm alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I've fallen into your arms open wide
When The hurt and the healer collide
Jesus come and break my fear
Awake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here
When the hurt and the healer collide
Jesus come and break my fear
Awake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here
Sunday, May 13, 2012
owls + oaks: supporting stillbirth/SIDS awareness + research
I have learned many valuable, life-changing lessons during my past five months of grief since losing my stillborn son Maddox. One of those lessons is the importance and blessing of a good friend. When I think of my close friends and their incredible support and the comfort and strength they gave me in the days after Maddox was born, I am overcome. I am blessed beyond all measure.
Sometimes, I wonder if I would have been as good a friend to mine if they were in my shoes, but when I think of what blessings they have been to me, I can't imagine how I would ever begin to repay them. I thank God for the girls He has placed in my life.
One of those amazing girls is Meghan Curtis. I laugh when I think back to an argument in middle school that caused us not to speak to each other until sophomore year of high school, a few months after I was saved by God's grace. Since then, though, our friendship has grown into one of the most beautiful pictures of friendship that I have ever seen.
Meghan was a wonderful friend during my pregnancy. Many times, she offered up her talents to help make the celebrations of Maddox's life during my pregnancy special for us. She felt our joy and exciting anticipation, and when we unexpectedly lost Maddox 39 weeks into our pregnancy, she felt our sadness and gut-wrenching grief. She is a true friend in many ways, but to see her carry our burden, one that she doesn't have to bear, has amazed me. Meghan is more than a friend to me, she is the sister I never had, and she means more to me than I'll ever be able to express in words.
In honor of Meghan, please listen to "More Than You'll Ever Know" by Watermark:
Meghan, I love you dearly. May the blessings you've given to me return to you a hundredfold.
Meghan is easily the most creative and humbly talented person I know. There's a little joke among our circle of friends... any time you see something handmade and even remotely creative looking around our homes, you know that "Meghan made it!" It took a little nudging from a few of us, but after some success at a local indie handmade market in Boone, Meghan finally launched her Etsy page, Swallow's Heart, in 2011. She followed up this year with a her blog by the same name. A small amount of time on either site will show Meghan's kindhearted spirit and unique talent!
Several weeks ago, Meghan came to me with an idea. She wanted to start a special Swallow's Heart jewelry line in honor of Maddox. I was honored and again so very blessed by Meghan's thoughtfulness, and today, the owls + oaks collection was launched!
Meghan has so generously offered to donate all of her profits from every owls + oaks item purchased to a memorial fund that Andrew and I have set up in memory of Maddox with First Candle. First Candle is a nonprofit organization dedicated to increasing public participation and support in the fight against Stillbirth, Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS) and other causes of Sudden Unexpected Infant Death (SUID). I am grateful that Meghan has chosen to selflessly donate her time and talents to supporting stillbirth, SIDS and SUID research. It is a wonderful Mother's Day gift for me to know that the owls + oaks line will contribute to research that may someday eliminate the concern for stillbirth so that, one day, no other family will have to experience this loss.
If you would like to donate to make a donation to First Candle in memory of Maddox on your own, you are welcome to do so by visiting his personal memorial page, Maddox Wilhelm Prime Schulze Memorial Fund.
Sometimes, I wonder if I would have been as good a friend to mine if they were in my shoes, but when I think of what blessings they have been to me, I can't imagine how I would ever begin to repay them. I thank God for the girls He has placed in my life.
One of those amazing girls is Meghan Curtis. I laugh when I think back to an argument in middle school that caused us not to speak to each other until sophomore year of high school, a few months after I was saved by God's grace. Since then, though, our friendship has grown into one of the most beautiful pictures of friendship that I have ever seen.
Meghan was a wonderful friend during my pregnancy. Many times, she offered up her talents to help make the celebrations of Maddox's life during my pregnancy special for us. She felt our joy and exciting anticipation, and when we unexpectedly lost Maddox 39 weeks into our pregnancy, she felt our sadness and gut-wrenching grief. She is a true friend in many ways, but to see her carry our burden, one that she doesn't have to bear, has amazed me. Meghan is more than a friend to me, she is the sister I never had, and she means more to me than I'll ever be able to express in words.
In honor of Meghan, please listen to "More Than You'll Ever Know" by Watermark:
Meghan, I love you dearly. May the blessings you've given to me return to you a hundredfold.
Meghan is easily the most creative and humbly talented person I know. There's a little joke among our circle of friends... any time you see something handmade and even remotely creative looking around our homes, you know that "Meghan made it!" It took a little nudging from a few of us, but after some success at a local indie handmade market in Boone, Meghan finally launched her Etsy page, Swallow's Heart, in 2011. She followed up this year with a her blog by the same name. A small amount of time on either site will show Meghan's kindhearted spirit and unique talent!
Several weeks ago, Meghan came to me with an idea. She wanted to start a special Swallow's Heart jewelry line in honor of Maddox. I was honored and again so very blessed by Meghan's thoughtfulness, and today, the owls + oaks collection was launched!
 |
| Click the image to be directed to the owls + oaks Etsy shop |
Meghan has so generously offered to donate all of her profits from every owls + oaks item purchased to a memorial fund that Andrew and I have set up in memory of Maddox with First Candle. First Candle is a nonprofit organization dedicated to increasing public participation and support in the fight against Stillbirth, Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS) and other causes of Sudden Unexpected Infant Death (SUID). I am grateful that Meghan has chosen to selflessly donate her time and talents to supporting stillbirth, SIDS and SUID research. It is a wonderful Mother's Day gift for me to know that the owls + oaks line will contribute to research that may someday eliminate the concern for stillbirth so that, one day, no other family will have to experience this loss.
If you would like to donate to make a donation to First Candle in memory of Maddox on your own, you are welcome to do so by visiting his personal memorial page, Maddox Wilhelm Prime Schulze Memorial Fund.
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Yes, I am a mother.
Tomorrow is the big day, Mother's Day. It has never seemed so significant a day to me until now. Even last year, which I counted as my first Mother's Day because I was pregnant, wasn't a huge to-do. But this year, it's a mountain of a day to face, a day I've literally dreaded seeing for weeks.
What do you say to a heartbroken mother who has lost a child, or in my case, her only child? To a mother who can't be with her baby on Mother's Day, who feels a punch in the gut every time she sees or hears yet another Mother's Day advertisement? To a mother who fights back tears while wondering what Mother's Day card her child would have picked with his daddy for her while she trys to choose one for her own mother (and stepmother and mother-in-law)?
I'll give it to you straight, pay close attention... You say, Happy Mother's Day!
The most painful thing a person could do to me is ignore the fact that my son Maddox was conceived, grew in my womb, was born, was here, was loved and now, is gone. I have spoken with other mothers who have experienced loss, whether in recent months or decades ago, and not a single one has avoided the opportunity to talk about her baby, her little girl, her little boy. We mothers who have lost children are still mothers, and even those who have other living children, we are mothers to a baby who is in heaven. We are proud of our children, have been blessed by them, would do anything for them still, we miss them - especially on this day, we miss them - and, surprise, we want to talk about them!
This week has been a hard one, no doubt about it. In Bible study, I cried. At GriefShare, I cried. When invited to a Mother's Day lunch, I cried some more. Procrastinating the Mother's Day card section? Yep, cried again. Received Mother's Day cards of my own, and then cried about it? You betcha! Why? All because I miss my boy and I can't have him with me on my special day. Do I feel badly for being so sad? I can't say that I do. There is grief because there is love, and this pain hurts as it does because I love my son. Today, I take comfort in knowing that this pain is a sacrifice I am making as a mother because of the son I love so dearly.
It's seems such a small thing, but on Friday this week we got a FedEx delivery at the office, and the delivery man said so cheerfully, "Happy Mother's Day to you, if you're a mother!" My heart was filled with appreciation as I responded, "Yes, I am! Thank you!" Truthfully, it was that moment that I decided to attend the Mother's Day lunch Andrew and I were invited to attend. I had contemplated staying home to wallow in self-pity and bitterness and allow myself to be angry at all the mothers who get to celebrate Mother's Day with their children even though they treat them poorly and take them for granted. (Hey, grief is ugly!) But the second the FedEx man, who knows nothing about my loss, acknowledged my motherhood, I decided that I am going to persevere through tomorrow with as joyful a spirit as I can muster and praise God for the blessing of my son Maddox.
Thank you to all of my incredible family and friends who have taken a moment to wish me a Happy Mother's Day through cards and various sentiments. You are all blessings in my life, I love you dearly, and I thank you for walking through this painful but blessed journey with me. Above all, I thank my God for being my sustainer through each moment, sometimes second-to-second.
I am a mother. Tomorrow is my day. My son is not here with me, but nothing will ever take him from my heart. Praise God that I will see Maddox when we meet again soon in eternity!
What do you say to a heartbroken mother who has lost a child, or in my case, her only child? To a mother who can't be with her baby on Mother's Day, who feels a punch in the gut every time she sees or hears yet another Mother's Day advertisement? To a mother who fights back tears while wondering what Mother's Day card her child would have picked with his daddy for her while she trys to choose one for her own mother (and stepmother and mother-in-law)?
I'll give it to you straight, pay close attention... You say, Happy Mother's Day!
The most painful thing a person could do to me is ignore the fact that my son Maddox was conceived, grew in my womb, was born, was here, was loved and now, is gone. I have spoken with other mothers who have experienced loss, whether in recent months or decades ago, and not a single one has avoided the opportunity to talk about her baby, her little girl, her little boy. We mothers who have lost children are still mothers, and even those who have other living children, we are mothers to a baby who is in heaven. We are proud of our children, have been blessed by them, would do anything for them still, we miss them - especially on this day, we miss them - and, surprise, we want to talk about them!
This week has been a hard one, no doubt about it. In Bible study, I cried. At GriefShare, I cried. When invited to a Mother's Day lunch, I cried some more. Procrastinating the Mother's Day card section? Yep, cried again. Received Mother's Day cards of my own, and then cried about it? You betcha! Why? All because I miss my boy and I can't have him with me on my special day. Do I feel badly for being so sad? I can't say that I do. There is grief because there is love, and this pain hurts as it does because I love my son. Today, I take comfort in knowing that this pain is a sacrifice I am making as a mother because of the son I love so dearly.
"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." -Matthew 5:4I have been blessed in my journey of grief. From the moment we learned that Maddox's heart had stopped beating to this very minute, I have felt love and support from every direction. I have received validation from family, friends, complete strangers and from God that I am and will always be Maddox's mother. Death cannot steal my motherhood, and I will not allow it to!
It's seems such a small thing, but on Friday this week we got a FedEx delivery at the office, and the delivery man said so cheerfully, "Happy Mother's Day to you, if you're a mother!" My heart was filled with appreciation as I responded, "Yes, I am! Thank you!" Truthfully, it was that moment that I decided to attend the Mother's Day lunch Andrew and I were invited to attend. I had contemplated staying home to wallow in self-pity and bitterness and allow myself to be angry at all the mothers who get to celebrate Mother's Day with their children even though they treat them poorly and take them for granted. (Hey, grief is ugly!) But the second the FedEx man, who knows nothing about my loss, acknowledged my motherhood, I decided that I am going to persevere through tomorrow with as joyful a spirit as I can muster and praise God for the blessing of my son Maddox.
Thank you to all of my incredible family and friends who have taken a moment to wish me a Happy Mother's Day through cards and various sentiments. You are all blessings in my life, I love you dearly, and I thank you for walking through this painful but blessed journey with me. Above all, I thank my God for being my sustainer through each moment, sometimes second-to-second.
I am a mother. Tomorrow is my day. My son is not here with me, but nothing will ever take him from my heart. Praise God that I will see Maddox when we meet again soon in eternity!
Monday, May 7, 2012
Prayer Journal - 13
Dear Jehovah-jireh,
Thank you for being the One who will provide, the One who does provide.
It is not easy to walk this road, but you never promised it would be. I don't know why Maddox could not stay with us or even why you chose to bless us with him. I do know that you are unchanging - compassionate, gracious, slow to anger and abounding in lovingkindness and truth (Exodus 34:6).
Lord, it is not a coincidence that I read Psalm 139:13-16 aloud at Bible study tonight. Thank you for the reminder of a most comforting truth - you formed me, my soul knows it well...in Your book were written, EVERY ONE OF THEM, these days that you formed for me, when there was none. And Jehovah-jireh, my provider, thank you for Psalm 16:5-6:
I love you, Lord, Jehovah-jireh.
Amen
Shared from my prayer journal
Thank you for being the One who will provide, the One who does provide.
"And my God will supply every need of yours according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus." - Philippians 4:19I know you as Jehovah-jireh, my provider. You have been with me at every moment, ensured supply for my every need, been faithful to sustain me, never left me.
It is not easy to walk this road, but you never promised it would be. I don't know why Maddox could not stay with us or even why you chose to bless us with him. I do know that you are unchanging - compassionate, gracious, slow to anger and abounding in lovingkindness and truth (Exodus 34:6).
Lord, it is not a coincidence that I read Psalm 139:13-16 aloud at Bible study tonight. Thank you for the reminder of a most comforting truth - you formed me, my soul knows it well...in Your book were written, EVERY ONE OF THEM, these days that you formed for me, when there was none. And Jehovah-jireh, my provider, thank you for Psalm 16:5-6:
"You are my chosen portion; indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance."Thank you for Your presence, Your word, salvation through Your son Jesus Christ and for this awesome, in every sense of the word, wonderful relationship with you.
I love you, Lord, Jehovah-jireh.
Amen
Shared from my prayer journal
Maddox Journal - 2.8
Andrew and I went home to NC the weekend before last for Meridith and Will's wedding. It was an emotional time, because during the engagement and wedding planning we had all imagined Maddox as a part of their special day. I missed him so much that day, missed showing him off to friends we haven't seen for a while, missed what attention he would have needed and the care I would have given him in the moments we would have excused ourselves for him during the reception.
I did get to visit him twice. Meghan and I went on Sunday. She brought him some of the flowers from her matron of honor bouquet and took some incredible photos for me. The cemetery is beautiful this time of year. Andrew and I went together to see him on Monday morning before we met with James to pick out and design Maddox's headstone. It is going to be so very nice - should be ready in time for our June visit.
Being home, I caught baby fever...really bad. I want to be a mom again.
Shared from the Maddox journal I started while I was pregnant
Some photos from Meghan's and my visit with Maddox on April 29th:
 |
| Maddox's tree |
 |
| Maddox and me |
 |
| Maddox, his tree and me |
 |
| Looking down on my baby boy |
 |
| Meghan's bouquet |
 |
| Maddox and Aunt Meghan |
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Prayer Journal - 12
Dear Lord,
Thank you that my emotions are not sin, only that my responses to my emotions have the potential to be. Please forgive me when I do respond sinfully. Help me to turn from that sin, to recognize when my emotions are affecting my thoughts an actions. Thank you for not being surprised by anything I do, and guide me as I learn how to be a picture of the gospel at every point in my walk with you, like Pastor Clint talked about today.
Lord, you have brought me this far on this journey. Some days I look back over the past (almost) five months and wonder how I've made it to now. You have been with me every step of the way, provided my every need, shown me what it is to be held. Be with me as I continue through this life, until I am with you also in eternity.
In Jesus' name alone, amen
Shared from my prayer journal
Thank you that my emotions are not sin, only that my responses to my emotions have the potential to be. Please forgive me when I do respond sinfully. Help me to turn from that sin, to recognize when my emotions are affecting my thoughts an actions. Thank you for not being surprised by anything I do, and guide me as I learn how to be a picture of the gospel at every point in my walk with you, like Pastor Clint talked about today.
Lord, you have brought me this far on this journey. Some days I look back over the past (almost) five months and wonder how I've made it to now. You have been with me every step of the way, provided my every need, shown me what it is to be held. Be with me as I continue through this life, until I am with you also in eternity.
In Jesus' name alone, amen
Shared from my prayer journal
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