This is still hard.

Dear Maddox,

It's been a while since I've sat down to write about how much I miss you, but you know that I have thought of you every moment of every day since then. This is still hard, living life without you with us. For a few weeks in late summer, I started to feel normal again. I even stopped taking my antidepressants last month. But the hard days still come, the days I want to do nothing but lay in bed while Daddy holds me and I cry for you and what we're missing. I still can't believe you're not with us. How can it be true?

You would be 11 months old now. I don't even know what an 11-month-old baby does. One of the babies from Sunday school who would be your friend is already saying "mama". Another baby you might know is walking already. What would you look like now? What would your words sound like? Would you cling more to Mommy or to Daddy? Or would you be independent and nosy and getting into whatever you could get your hands on?

My grief for you is getting hard again as we get into the holidays. Halloween has passed. What would you have dressed up as? As what would be your first Thanksgiving approaches, I can't help but imagine what it would be like with you with us at Nanny and Pop-pop's table. (Nanny just texted me to ask if we have any special food requests while we're visiting... I said rice krispie treats. What would be your favorite?) One of my favorite pictures of my pregnancy with you was taken with Pop-pop last Thanksgiving. I'm so sad that you won't be with us this year.

Maddox, Mommy + Pop-pop
Thanksgiving 2011

And what would be your first birthday is just a few weeks away. How would we celebrate together? Mommy has asked Daddy to take off work for your birthday and go somewhere special with her to remember you. We don't know where we'll go yet, and even though we'll enjoy some time together, nothing can compare to how fun life would be if you were still with us.

Maddox, Mommy and Daddy miss you so much. The tears are streaming down my face as I write this. There is so much love in my heart for you that it hurts that I can give it to you. Instead it just aches.

I've had a hard time missing you lately, not that it's ever been easy. I decided, to help me cope, to memorize Isaiah 43:2. It's been a couple of weeks and I still don't get it right every time, but the verse is so special to me. I can't even explain it to anyone without choking on the words. At your funeral, your friend Ethan sang a song he'd written in memory of his grandmother based on Isaiah 43:2. The verse is a promise made by the Lord to always walk with His followers, and I cling to it with all my strength when I am feeling weak.

"When you pass through the waters,

I will be with you; and through the rivers,

they shall not overwhelm you; when you

walk through fire, you shall not be burned,

and the flame shall not consume you."

Image credit: The Spirit Orchard

Isn't that amazing, baby? Even when I feel my worst, God hasn't left my side. He is with me, and He's with you, too. I'm sure He's told you something about this truth since you've been with Him in heaven. What makes this special verse even better is what surrounds it. Just before it, God says, "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine" (Isaiah 43:1b). And just after it, He says, "For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior" (Isaiah 43:3a). I am almost overwhelmed by the magnitude of those verses. God is with me and He has called me and I am His. He is the Lord my God, the Holy One of Israel, my Savior. I will not be burned! I will not be consumed!

Maddox, still some days Mommy doesn't know how she's going to make it through losing you. I love you so much and miss you every day. But I know you are with God in heaven. Psalm 139:16 tells us both that God saw us when we were in our mothers wombs and that even before then, our days were written in His book. God has known since before the beginning that I would be born and that I would lose you, He even knew the exact day it would happen. He knew when you would be conceived and the life you would have in my womb, and He knew that your life's purpose would be accomplished without you taking a single breath on this earth. I think it's pretty amazing that you did that, even if I don't understand why it had to happen that way and even though I wish every day that you were with me. 

Either He is God or He isn't. Everything I've experienced tells me that He is, and I will continue to live my life believing it is so.

I keep having dreams that I'm pregnant with your baby brother or sister. Last night, the baby was moving around so much, and I loved every second of it. Maddox, your movements were my favorite thing about being pregnant with you. Your kicks, your rolls, your hiccups. No baby will ever replace you, but I do look forward to having another baby someday, and I can't wait to tell him or her about you, too!

I love you, Maddy Waddy Mad Max Maddox. I always will.

Love, Mommy