The Last Day

A year ago today was the last day my heart was whole.

A year ago today was Sunday, and like so many Sundays before our move to Delaware, our good friends Molly and Lee came over for breakfast and the live stream of our church's worship service (aka Hickory Grove - Salisbury Campus). We had French toast, bacon and fruit, like always, and watched the sermon and chatted about the excitement of the "any day now" arrival of our little boy. That evening, Andrew and I watched Miracle on 34th Street, and I sat in our living room floor with my huge prego gut and finished the last of our gift wrapping for Christmas.

A year ago tomorrow, I woke up to signs that it's-really-happening labor would begin soon. My husband and I rode to work together for what I was sure would be my last day at work before meeting my baby boy. It wasn't until that afternoon at our 39-week prenatal appointment that Andrew and I would hear the most devastating news of our lives.

I can't find the heartbeat. (Read: We Lost Maddox)

A year ago tomorrow, a part of my heart left for heaven for Maddox to keep with him. God has held me in His arms, Andrew has walked beside me, and our faithful friends and family encouraged us to keep going as we've survived our first year of grief. I am overwhelmed when I think of how I have been carried through this year with the truly awesome support from my Savior Jesus Christ, my soulmate and better friends and family than I could have asked for. God's presence has been real in my life, His sovereignty beyond sufficient. I am amazed that I've made it this far, but I know He has plans for me.

My heart will not be whole again on this side of heaven, and I can live with that. Besides salvation and my husband, Maddox is the greatest gift God has ever given me, and I wouldn't trade my time with him to spare myself this grief. I love him very much and I miss him every day, and I am so thankful to be his mommy.