Hard Morning at Church

Church was hard yesterday morning.

First, during worship we sang Blessed Be Your Name (different version than the Matt Redman music video below, but the words are the same). I've probably sung this song 100 times since I became a Christian and started listening to Christian radio nearly eight years ago. But I never felt the truth of these words until Sunday:

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's all as it should be
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say:
Lord, blessed be Your name

For the first time, I could sing those words knowing what it's like to bless the Lord's name while on the road marked with suffering, though there's pain in the offering. For the first time, I understood the weight of the "take away". And still, I choose to say, blessed be the name of the Lord!

I would never have chosen to walk this road, but blessed be the name of the Lord, indeed! It is a blessing to experience God's love and presence in this way. Yes, there is pain in the offering. I want Maddox here with us more than almost anything else I can think of. Other than serving God and living to glorify Him, to share the good news of salvation through Jesus Christ, I can think of nothing I want more. But God's hand is in this. Good will come from it. I feel like good has already come from it - in ways I know and many I maybe never will. I don't like it. Sometimes I feel like it's unfair. But I know that God is in control. I know He does all things out of the love He has for those who trust in Him. This is far from easy, but it is real. God is using this to refocus my attention on things that matter to Him, to bring me back to Him and to bring our relationship to a new level. I will bless His name forever.

Not only was all of this going through my head and heart during the church service, but at the end there was a baby dedication. A little boy named Nicholas, born December 22, 2011, just nine days after Maddox. I was a mess. I cried and cried. My heart cried out on its own, "That should have been us! We should be holding our smiling baby boy in front of the congregation as we commit to the Lord to do all things in our power to raise him in a God fearing home, to have trust and faith in Christ and to live his life for Him! Why not us?! Why did this happen to us? Why did we have to lose our son?!"

Easily the hardest church visit since we lost Maddox, but it showed me that I'm strong enough to survive this. I can do this with Him.

I've been nudged.

I got a nudge from Andrea tonight. I suppose she's right, a post is long overdue. The thing is, I don't feel like I have anything that good to say. Of course, I've thought about writing at least 20 times, but sitting down to write out my thoughts and feelings and general goings ons is so intimidating when I'm this much of an emotional basket case.

Some days are okay, most days really.

Andrew and I are attending our second round of GriefShare. We jumped in around the eighth week in the last session and it just started over last week. It has truly been the most helpful thing for me in learning how to handle my grief. I miss Maddox so much. I wrote him a letter Monday night on his Facebook wall. He got a Facebook when he was just 17 weeks old in the womb. It felt good to talk TO him instead of about him. Monday was the year anniversary of the day we found out we were pregnant. I'll never forget that day.

Dear Maddox,

One year ago today, Mommy and Daddy found out about you! We were surprised and oh so happy to know that you were going to make us a family. We loved you from the moment we knew about you, loved every milestone, every fruit/vegetable upgrade, every kick and hiccup. We loved deciding on your name and sharing excitement and anticipation about your arrival with anyone who would listen. We were scared to be your parents. Only because we wanted you to have the very best, to be raised in a God-fearing home with parents who were committed to Him most of all, to each other and to you. But, despite our fears about becoming parents, we couldn't wait to meet you!

I can hardly describe the emotions I feel when I think about the day we found out your heart had stopped beating in my belly. Sometimes it still seems unreal. Sometimes I think we're still waiting for you; other times I have to convince myself you were really ever here. You were here though, I keep your picture up and look at it every day. Your cute cheeks and precious lips and the eyes we didn't get to see open. I wonder about what your cry would have sounded like, your giggle. A couple nights ago, I dreamed that you were still with us and you smiled and you were the most adorable baby on the planet. It was such a happy dream, and I know that you're in heaven right now and that you ARE happy. You are with God, with Jesus Christ, with all of our other family and the friends who believe in Jesus as their savior, and you are living, really, truly living.

What I wouldn't give to have been able to watch you grow up here, but I know me and Daddy could never give you the wonderful existence God has given you by calling you home to Him. We miss you every single day... we'll just have to wait a little longer to meet our boy. I can't wait to see how you've turned out!

I love you so much, every day, with everything I have. Save a place for me, I'll be there soon.

♥ Love, Mommy

So yes, the dreaded time has come. All this time I've been grieving Maddox, I have had in the back of my head the fact that "this time last year I wasn't even pregnant". Well, now this time last year I WAS pregnant and it's so, so hard to deal with. The truth is though, I want to deal with it. I want to go through my grief. I don't want to go around it or pretend that I'm over it. I will never, ever be over it. Have I shared before that I feel like grief is an incurable disease? It's like being diagnosed with a disease you're stuck with for the rest of your life. There are treatments, there is counseling, there is support from people who have been there or are going through the same thing, but you can't get away from it. Some days will be worse than others, some days your symptoms will seem too much to handle, some days you'll beg for God to take you home now because you just can't handle it anymore, but ultimately you're just stuck with it and you have to learn how to live with it.

I don't want to look back on last year as I hit so many anniversaries related to Maddox over the next several months, I don't want to remember those times with sadness or dread or pain. I want to remember our time with him with great joy and happiness. It's so cliche, but I try to remind myself: "Don't cry that it's over, smile that it happened." I wouldn't take back our time with Maddox for anything in the world. I'm still his mother and I always will be. I just need to take it one step at a time, to do the next thing without getting overwhelmed with all the things that need to be done and addressed.

I guess writing this entry was my "next thing" tonight.

We're going home to NC next weekend for the first time since our move to DE. Miss Meridith Grace is getting married on April 28th! I'm in her wedding and I'm very excited for this next chapter in her life. I'm really looking forward to going home for a visit and seeing everyone!

Thanks for the nudge, Andrea. I needed it. :)

Grief Journal - 6

I am not concerned with getting over my grief. I do not want to dwell in it, but I want to learn and grow through it. It's about living on, not moving on and pretending it never happened. Maddox is part of me. I love him, and I am proud to be his mother. I will honor him by giving myself time to heal on my own schedule with God's grace.

God has been with us and provided for us every step of the way through this journey, and I believe he will continue to show us His unfailing love.

Shared from my grief journal

Maddox Journal - 2.7

Today is Easter. I wish Maddox was still with us, but how amazing it must be for him to be celebrating in heaven with our savior! I can only imagine what that must be like, and do they even celebrate like we do? It is hard to know what time is like there, and I wonder if calendar years even occur in heaven at all. Either way, to be in Christ's presence today or any day must be amazing, and I so look forward to it.

Yesterday, Dad and Wendy visited Maddox in Gold Hill. They took him an Easter egg and a nice stone to mark his grave for now. Dad weed-eated and they planted some daisy seeds. They sent me pictures, but I haven't had a moment to see them yet. It meant a  lot to me that they went to see him and care for him and take him gifts. I can't wait to go see him in just a couple weeks. I miss him.

Shared from the Maddox journal I started while I was pregnant

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A few photos from Dad and Wendy's Easter visit with Maddox:

Maddox is buried beneath the beautiful, big oak tree

Dad weed-eating Maddox's fresh grass

Maddox's Easter gifts from Nanny and Pop Pop

Maddox's tree

Prayer Journal - 11

Father,

Thank you for our little boy. We miss Maddox so much and wonder all the things he would be doing right now. I am looking forward to heaven so much, and being able to see my little man again makes me that much more excited about it.

Amen

Shared from my prayer journal

Prayer Journal - 10

Father,

Thank you for a wonderful weekend celebrating my birthday with Andrew. Thank you for our time together and for the countless blessings you give to us. Help us to spend time on things with eternal impact and encourage us to lead intentional lives. Each moment is another opportunity to choose what will bring glory to Your name.

Thank you for my dream last night, for remembering the joy of Maddox's movements in my womb with the hopeful anticipation of his baby brother or sister's arrival.

You are amazing, God.

Amen

Shared from my prayer journal