I've been nudged.

I got a nudge from Andrea tonight. I suppose she's right, a post is long overdue. The thing is, I don't feel like I have anything that good to say. Of course, I've thought about writing at least 20 times, but sitting down to write out my thoughts and feelings and general goings ons is so intimidating when I'm this much of an emotional basket case.

Some days are okay, most days really.

Andrew and I are attending our second round of GriefShare. We jumped in around the eighth week in the last session and it just started over last week. It has truly been the most helpful thing for me in learning how to handle my grief. I miss Maddox so much. I wrote him a letter Monday night on his Facebook wall. He got a Facebook when he was just 17 weeks old in the womb. It felt good to talk TO him instead of about him. Monday was the year anniversary of the day we found out we were pregnant. I'll never forget that day.

Dear Maddox,

One year ago today, Mommy and Daddy found out about you! We were surprised and oh so happy to know that you were going to make us a family. We loved you from the moment we knew about you, loved every milestone, every fruit/vegetable upgrade, every kick and hiccup. We loved deciding on your name and sharing excitement and anticipation about your arrival with anyone who would listen. We were scared to be your parents. Only because we wanted you to have the very best, to be raised in a God-fearing home with parents who were committed to Him most of all, to each other and to you. But, despite our fears about becoming parents, we couldn't wait to meet you!

I can hardly describe the emotions I feel when I think about the day we found out your heart had stopped beating in my belly. Sometimes it still seems unreal. Sometimes I think we're still waiting for you; other times I have to convince myself you were really ever here. You were here though, I keep your picture up and look at it every day. Your cute cheeks and precious lips and the eyes we didn't get to see open. I wonder about what your cry would have sounded like, your giggle. A couple nights ago, I dreamed that you were still with us and you smiled and you were the most adorable baby on the planet. It was such a happy dream, and I know that you're in heaven right now and that you ARE happy. You are with God, with Jesus Christ, with all of our other family and the friends who believe in Jesus as their savior, and you are living, really, truly living.

What I wouldn't give to have been able to watch you grow up here, but I know me and Daddy could never give you the wonderful existence God has given you by calling you home to Him. We miss you every single day... we'll just have to wait a little longer to meet our boy. I can't wait to see how you've turned out!

I love you so much, every day, with everything I have. Save a place for me, I'll be there soon.

♥ Love, Mommy

So yes, the dreaded time has come. All this time I've been grieving Maddox, I have had in the back of my head the fact that "this time last year I wasn't even pregnant". Well, now this time last year I WAS pregnant and it's so, so hard to deal with. The truth is though, I want to deal with it. I want to go through my grief. I don't want to go around it or pretend that I'm over it. I will never, ever be over it. Have I shared before that I feel like grief is an incurable disease? It's like being diagnosed with a disease you're stuck with for the rest of your life. There are treatments, there is counseling, there is support from people who have been there or are going through the same thing, but you can't get away from it. Some days will be worse than others, some days your symptoms will seem too much to handle, some days you'll beg for God to take you home now because you just can't handle it anymore, but ultimately you're just stuck with it and you have to learn how to live with it.

I don't want to look back on last year as I hit so many anniversaries related to Maddox over the next several months, I don't want to remember those times with sadness or dread or pain. I want to remember our time with him with great joy and happiness. It's so cliche, but I try to remind myself: "Don't cry that it's over, smile that it happened." I wouldn't take back our time with Maddox for anything in the world. I'm still his mother and I always will be. I just need to take it one step at a time, to do the next thing without getting overwhelmed with all the things that need to be done and addressed.

I guess writing this entry was my "next thing" tonight.

We're going home to NC next weekend for the first time since our move to DE. Miss Meridith Grace is getting married on April 28th! I'm in her wedding and I'm very excited for this next chapter in her life. I'm really looking forward to going home for a visit and seeing everyone!

Thanks for the nudge, Andrea. I needed it. :)