Yes, I am a mother.

Tomorrow is the big day, Mother's Day. It has never seemed so significant a day to me until now. Even last year, which I counted as my first Mother's Day because I was pregnant, wasn't a huge to-do. But this year, it's a mountain of a day to face, a day I've literally dreaded seeing for weeks.

What do you say to a heartbroken mother who has lost a child, or in my case, her only child? To a mother who can't be with her baby on Mother's Day, who feels a punch in the gut every time she sees or hears yet another Mother's Day advertisement? To a mother who fights back tears while wondering what Mother's Day card her child would have picked with his daddy for her while she trys to choose one for her own mother (and stepmother and mother-in-law)?

I'll give it to you straight, pay close attention... You say, Happy Mother's Day!

The most painful thing a person could do to me is ignore the fact that my son Maddox was conceived, grew in my womb, was born, was here, was loved and now, is gone. I have spoken with other mothers who have experienced loss, whether in recent months or decades ago, and not a single one has avoided the opportunity to talk about her baby, her little girl, her little boy. We mothers who have lost children are still mothers, and even those who have other living children, we are mothers to a baby who is in heaven. We are proud of our children, have been blessed by them, would do anything for them still, we miss them - especially on this day, we miss them - and, surprise, we want to talk about them!

This week has been a hard one, no doubt about it. In Bible study, I cried. At GriefShare, I cried. When invited to a Mother's Day lunch, I cried some more. Procrastinating the Mother's Day card section? Yep, cried again. Received Mother's Day cards of my own, and then cried about it? You betcha! Why? All because I miss my boy and I can't have him with me on my special day. Do I feel badly for being so sad? I can't say that I do. There is grief because there is love, and this pain hurts as it does because I love my son. Today, I take comfort in knowing that this pain is a sacrifice I am making as a mother because of the son I love so dearly.

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." -Matthew 5:4

I have been blessed in my journey of grief. From the moment we learned that Maddox's heart had stopped beating to this very minute, I have felt love and support from every direction. I have received validation from family, friends, complete strangers and from God that I am and will always be Maddox's mother. Death cannot steal my motherhood, and I will not allow it to!

It's seems such a small thing, but on Friday this week we got a FedEx delivery at the office, and the delivery man said so cheerfully, "Happy Mother's Day to you, if you're a mother!" My heart was filled with appreciation as I responded, "Yes, I am! Thank you!" Truthfully, it was that moment that I decided to attend the Mother's Day lunch Andrew and I were invited to attend. I had contemplated staying home to wallow in self-pity and bitterness and allow myself to be angry at all the mothers who get to celebrate Mother's Day with their children even though they treat them poorly and take them for granted. (Hey, grief is ugly!) But the second the FedEx man, who knows nothing about my loss, acknowledged my motherhood, I decided that I am going to persevere through tomorrow with as joyful a spirit as I can muster and praise God for the blessing of my son Maddox.

Thank you to all of my incredible family and friends who have taken a moment to wish me a Happy Mother's Day through cards and various sentiments. You are all blessings in my life, I love you dearly, and I thank you for walking through this painful but blessed journey with me. Above all, I thank my God for being my sustainer through each moment, sometimes second-to-second.

I am a mother. Tomorrow is my day. My son is not here with me, but nothing will ever take him from my heart. Praise God that I will see Maddox when we meet again soon in eternity!