Andrew had to return to work yesterday. I had been dreading it, literally crying when I thought about him being gone from me all day and me being "alone," despite my parents living next door and having many friends come by to keep me company.
I did surprising well. I cried a few times for Maddox, but I was able to keep myself from breaking down in hysterics. My ex-boss/coworkers Laura and Courtney stopped by for a little bit on their way to Charlotte yesterday morning. I shared the recording of Andrew's eulogy with Courtney since she wasn't able to be at Maddox's memorial service and the three of us also rewatched the video we played during his visitation. I actually felt some happiness in remembering my sweet boy instead of the gut-wrenching pain of what I've lost. Meghan and Meridith came to spend the afternoon with me. We went to Olive Garden for lunch and came back to the house and exchanged Christmas gifts and watched The Help. I cried a little once while we were out. Overall, I was proud of myself for being able to cry without either completely losing it or feeling the need to mask my hurt. It was a good day.
Everything I've read and nearly everyone I've talked to has said there will be good days and bad days. I am trying to be thankful for the good days and to accept that the bad days will come but know that for each I need to remain prayerful and praise God.
My midwife Lisa brought me a book sometime during the week that Maddox was born called Grieving the Child I Never Knew by Kathe Wunnenberg. I started reading it a couple of days ago and it's been very helpful, so I texted her last night to say thank you. She told me that another midwife's client (Christine, the midwife who confirmed Maddox had no heartbeat before we went to the ultrasound place for official confirmation) gave birth to a stillborn on Christmas Eve. :( My heart broke for the woman as soon as I read the text and I am so very sorry that someone else has to go through this. Lisa said she and Christine would like to connect the two of us and I am open to it. It is a terrible thing to have in common, but it seems like it would be helpful to have someone to relate to.
I do have some positive news to report: I got a job! It is in Wilmington, Delaware, about 40 minutes from where Andrew will be working. I'm not excited that it's so far apart, but the good news is we should be able to find a place to rent that's somewhere between the two and whatever way you slice it, anything's better than the crazy commute we've had for the past 15 months. I will miss being able to drive to work together, but we should be able to spend more time together at home and I am looking forward to that. I am still waiting for final confirmation that everything has gone through, but everything should be fine and I think I will be starting around January 30th.
Donna, the woman I am donating Maddox's breast milk to, is coming by to pick up her first stash of milk later this morning. I've pumped over 10 ounces this morning alone and I counted a total of 24 bags in our freezer. I've been pumping since December 15th (I think?) and I am glad it's going so well. If I'm able to, I'd like to pump for around six months since that's the minimum amount of time I would have breastfed Maddox. It makes me feel better physically to get his milk out and better emotionally to know that his milk is benefiting another baby, a baby that was almost aborted but will have a chance at life thanks to Donna and her husband and seven-year-old son. Plus, I am pretty sure it's helping me lose my pregnancy weight. Other than sometimes getting emotional that this is Maddox's milk and feeling like he should be here and I should be feeding him, I am happy that the option of donating Maddox's milk was made available to me. I wouldn't want to waste such a precious gift and resource.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Prayer Journal - 1
Dear Lord,
So much has changed in the month it's been since I last wrote here. I imagined I would be having a much different life right now, but Your plans for me were different than my own. My heart breaks for what we are missing with Maddox. He is so loved and wanted, I selfishly want him here with us, but I trust in you and Your will. I thank you for the time you gave us with him, for every moment he was with us on earth. I pray that you will love and look after him until you allow us to be reunited for eternity. Until then, let me live out 1 Thessalonians 5:9. May I rejoice always, pray without ceasing and give thanks in all circumstances for that is Your will in Christ Jesus for me. I love you, Lord and I am faithful that you will see me through this storm and bring out of it some good.
In Jesus' name alone, amen.
Shared from my prayer journal
So much has changed in the month it's been since I last wrote here. I imagined I would be having a much different life right now, but Your plans for me were different than my own. My heart breaks for what we are missing with Maddox. He is so loved and wanted, I selfishly want him here with us, but I trust in you and Your will. I thank you for the time you gave us with him, for every moment he was with us on earth. I pray that you will love and look after him until you allow us to be reunited for eternity. Until then, let me live out 1 Thessalonians 5:9. May I rejoice always, pray without ceasing and give thanks in all circumstances for that is Your will in Christ Jesus for me. I love you, Lord and I am faithful that you will see me through this storm and bring out of it some good.
In Jesus' name alone, amen.
Shared from my prayer journal
Friday, December 23, 2011
Roller Coaster of Grief
We buried Maddox on Monday, his due date. We laid him to rest under the branches of a beautiful oak tree in Historic Gold Hill Cemetery. It's peaceful there and only about half a mile from where Andrew and I got married exactly three and a half years before.
I can't believe I'm writing these words. It's days before Christmas and I am supposed to be caring for my newborn son. That's the hardest part now that he is buried. There's nothing left of him for me to take care of, nothing for me to do except try to survive this. I made it through the first week after losing him because I still had things to focus on for him: delivering him, meeting him, holding and loving on him, making arrangements for his visitation and memorial service, watching over him as they lowered his tiny casket into the ground and covered him up. Those were the ways I was able to love and care for my little boy and now, other than keeping his memory alive, I don't know how to use the energy I would be using to take care of him if he were still here.
These past three days have been the hardest. Our friends and family from out of town have returned home and it's been pretty quiet. The business of having company and back-to-back visitors last week helped me, distracted me. I'm most vulnerable in the quiet when I have a moment to think, usually in the minutes just after I wake up. The "why" and "what if" questions are the worst and I am trying not to do that to myself. There will be no answers on this side of heaven. Maddox's autopsy and the report on the placenta and umbilical cord came back "grossly normal". He was perfect, not a thing wrong with him. He was a normal, healthy baby boy. The placenta had detached a tiny bit from my uterus, but nothing unusual for how far along we were. Maddox was perfect, my pregnancy was normal. This is both frustrating and encouraging. Having no answers is hard, but that is where faith comes in. God kept Maddox for a reason and it may be painful and seem nonsensical to us now, but He is sovereign and we truly believe that in all things He works for the good of those who believe in Him. It is encouraging for there to be nothing wrong because that means one day, when we're ready, Andrew and I should be able to have other children.
One positive thing that has come from this is that I am donating my breast milk. I didn't know such a thing was possible before we lost Maddox. I got connected with a lady who is adopting a newborn through Marcia, the midwife who helped me at Natural Beginnings Birth Center. Her name is Donna and the baby boy's birth mom will be induced on December 29th. Donna came to the house last week and gave me a breast pump and had some nursing supplies shipped from Target. We've been communicating via email since meeting. She's a very nice lady. She and her husband are paying for all of my nursing-related expenses. Right now, I pump for thirty minutes every 4-5 hours during the day. I keep the milk in milk storage bags and once a bag is full, I put it in the freezer. I'm getting 4-8 ounces every time I pump depending on the length of time between sessions and I have twelve or more bags in the freezer right now. A nurse at the hospital told me how to dry up my milk, but I feel like my milk supply is a blessing and didn't see the sense in wasting it. I can't give this milk to my baby, so donating it to another baby is the next best thing.
I miss Maddox so much. Oh, I miss him and I always will. I don't see how I will ever fully recover from losing him, but I can at least cope. I have a great support system and an incredible husband. I am loved by an awesome God. I have a son who I got to love on earth and know for eight months and I will get to be with him again in heaven soon. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to face, but I know God, Andrew and our family and friends will help me through it.
I'm glad I could get some of this out. In this roller coaster of grief I'm on, there are times when I'm fine and can laugh and feel normal again. This is one of those times. There are also unpredictable times of overwhelming physically debilitating sadness. I don't know when another one of those will come, but until then I am going to try to get some things done around here.
I'd like to close with some of my favorite words ever spoken. This is the eulogy my rock of a husband gave at Maddox's memorial service on Sunday. He didn't write it beforehand. He knew he wanted to speak and trusted that God would give him the words he needed. That He did, that He did. I have never been more proud of Andrew or more proud to be his wife than I was hearing him say these words in front of our closest family and friends as we honored our precious little boy. The audio from the memorial service was recorded, so I typed this up from the CD we have.
I can't believe I'm writing these words. It's days before Christmas and I am supposed to be caring for my newborn son. That's the hardest part now that he is buried. There's nothing left of him for me to take care of, nothing for me to do except try to survive this. I made it through the first week after losing him because I still had things to focus on for him: delivering him, meeting him, holding and loving on him, making arrangements for his visitation and memorial service, watching over him as they lowered his tiny casket into the ground and covered him up. Those were the ways I was able to love and care for my little boy and now, other than keeping his memory alive, I don't know how to use the energy I would be using to take care of him if he were still here.
These past three days have been the hardest. Our friends and family from out of town have returned home and it's been pretty quiet. The business of having company and back-to-back visitors last week helped me, distracted me. I'm most vulnerable in the quiet when I have a moment to think, usually in the minutes just after I wake up. The "why" and "what if" questions are the worst and I am trying not to do that to myself. There will be no answers on this side of heaven. Maddox's autopsy and the report on the placenta and umbilical cord came back "grossly normal". He was perfect, not a thing wrong with him. He was a normal, healthy baby boy. The placenta had detached a tiny bit from my uterus, but nothing unusual for how far along we were. Maddox was perfect, my pregnancy was normal. This is both frustrating and encouraging. Having no answers is hard, but that is where faith comes in. God kept Maddox for a reason and it may be painful and seem nonsensical to us now, but He is sovereign and we truly believe that in all things He works for the good of those who believe in Him. It is encouraging for there to be nothing wrong because that means one day, when we're ready, Andrew and I should be able to have other children.
One positive thing that has come from this is that I am donating my breast milk. I didn't know such a thing was possible before we lost Maddox. I got connected with a lady who is adopting a newborn through Marcia, the midwife who helped me at Natural Beginnings Birth Center. Her name is Donna and the baby boy's birth mom will be induced on December 29th. Donna came to the house last week and gave me a breast pump and had some nursing supplies shipped from Target. We've been communicating via email since meeting. She's a very nice lady. She and her husband are paying for all of my nursing-related expenses. Right now, I pump for thirty minutes every 4-5 hours during the day. I keep the milk in milk storage bags and once a bag is full, I put it in the freezer. I'm getting 4-8 ounces every time I pump depending on the length of time between sessions and I have twelve or more bags in the freezer right now. A nurse at the hospital told me how to dry up my milk, but I feel like my milk supply is a blessing and didn't see the sense in wasting it. I can't give this milk to my baby, so donating it to another baby is the next best thing.
I miss Maddox so much. Oh, I miss him and I always will. I don't see how I will ever fully recover from losing him, but I can at least cope. I have a great support system and an incredible husband. I am loved by an awesome God. I have a son who I got to love on earth and know for eight months and I will get to be with him again in heaven soon. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to face, but I know God, Andrew and our family and friends will help me through it.
I'm glad I could get some of this out. In this roller coaster of grief I'm on, there are times when I'm fine and can laugh and feel normal again. This is one of those times. There are also unpredictable times of overwhelming physically debilitating sadness. I don't know when another one of those will come, but until then I am going to try to get some things done around here.
I'd like to close with some of my favorite words ever spoken. This is the eulogy my rock of a husband gave at Maddox's memorial service on Sunday. He didn't write it beforehand. He knew he wanted to speak and trusted that God would give him the words he needed. That He did, that He did. I have never been more proud of Andrew or more proud to be his wife than I was hearing him say these words in front of our closest family and friends as we honored our precious little boy. The audio from the memorial service was recorded, so I typed this up from the CD we have.
I’m tempted to be a little selfish today, tempted to feel bitter and ask the question “Why?” Of course, when Amanda and I found out the news that came as a complete shock, that little Maddox’s heart had stopped beating, these are all of the feelings that were running through me and things that I was dwelling on. And as we’ve moved through this difficult process, something that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy, I’ve struggled to find God’s will and God’s purpose through all of this.
It was especially difficult for me watching Amanda as she struggled through the pain of delivery knowing all along that we would see Maddox, we would see his little body at the end, but that he would not be here, that he had already left us. And as we struggled through that and he was here and we spent a few precious moments holding him, at last Amanda and I were alone, and my brave, beautiful little wife said “I would do it all over again knowing what I know now.” And at that point, God spoke to me and my perspective changed.
Our pastor Clint Pressley says all the time that God’s will is sovereign and that He uses people to carry out His will. I’ve been struggling to see God’s hand in this, but I have seen it through each and every one of you. I’ve seen it through the lives that Maddox has touched already. I’ve seen it through the courage of my wife. I’ve seen it through the love and support that all of you have shared. I’ve seen it through the lives of others, so many others who we’ve met just this week who have gone through exactly what we’re going through right now.
God’s mercy has been sufficient. He never promised that life would be easy, but He did promise that no matter what challenges in life come our way that His mercy would be sufficient to carry us through, and it has been sufficient.
I will miss some things. I’ll miss bringing him home. I’ll miss rocking him to sleep in the middle of the night. I’ll miss watching Amanda hold him like I saw her hold him in the hospital, calling him her sweet little boy and how much she loved him. I’ll miss watching him grow. I’ll miss each and every one of you spoiling him. I’ll miss watching Amanda let him get away with things that she’d normally fuss at me over. I’ll miss taking him to his first soccer game. I’ll miss playing with him and telling him how proud I am of him. I’ll miss being tough on him when he makes a mistake and having him upset with me but knowing that teaching him a hard lesson will help him to grow up and be a better person and a better man. I’ll miss leading him to Jesus just like my parents lead me. I’ll miss watching him fall in love with the girl of his dreams just like I did and getting married one day.
We’ll miss a lot but like I said, God has changed my perspective and I am sad. We all are. I miss him. But today, I stand thankful. God has taught me some valuable lessons through all of this. Life is too short and we all take entirely too many things for granted and I’m amazed to see the healing that God has brought to relationships and families even over these past few days. I’m thankful for each and every one of you. I’m thankful for your love and support and what you mean to me. I am so thankful that I still have my beautiful wife and I’m thankful that even though it was for only a brief time, we had a son and we knew him and we were able to love him. We will never forget him and we will think about him every single day. But I’m thankful most of all for salvation and that I know that my boy’s in heaven right now, far better off than any of us are. And I’m thankful that we will see him again one day and I can’t wait to meet him.
Maddox, if you can hear us today I want you to know that we love you so much. I don’t know that you would have had the best father, I would have done my best, but you would have had the best mother and the best family and the best friends. We all love you very much and we’ll see you soon.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Maddox Journal - 2.2
We buried our sweet little boy in the Historic Gold Hill Cemetery on December 19th, the day he was due. The ceremony, memorial service was beautiful. My incredible husband spoke and I have never felt so proud of him or honored to be his wife. This is the most difficult thing I have ever had to face and I don't know how I would be able to weather the this storm without his love and support.
God is faithful and I trust in Him. I believe He had a reason to keep our precious Maddox with Him - he must be one very special little boy.
It is hard not to ask the questions "why?" or "what if?" It is selfish of me, because Maddox is so much better off in heaven than he would be here, but I miss my little boy so badly. It hurts. I can physically feel the pain of missing him. I have never felt such a let down, such disappointment in going from the happiest months of my life, anticipating the arrival of our firstborn son just to have our dreams snatched without warning.
We should be adjusting to sleep deprivation as we bond with our baby and get ready for his first Christmas. Instead we are heartbroken.
Shared from the Maddox journal I started while I was pregnant
God is faithful and I trust in Him. I believe He had a reason to keep our precious Maddox with Him - he must be one very special little boy.
It is hard not to ask the questions "why?" or "what if?" It is selfish of me, because Maddox is so much better off in heaven than he would be here, but I miss my little boy so badly. It hurts. I can physically feel the pain of missing him. I have never felt such a let down, such disappointment in going from the happiest months of my life, anticipating the arrival of our firstborn son just to have our dreams snatched without warning.
We should be adjusting to sleep deprivation as we bond with our baby and get ready for his first Christmas. Instead we are heartbroken.
Shared from the Maddox journal I started while I was pregnant
Friday, December 16, 2011
Maddox Journal - 2.1
Our perfect, precious "sonshine" was delivered stillborn on December 13th at 4:01 am. At our 39 week appointment on Monday there was no heartbeat. The autopsy showed that he was in perfect health - we may never know what caused our little boy's heart to stop beating, at least not on this side of heaven.
Maddox was beautiful. He had my face and Andrew's body, including his super long, flat feet, long fingers and elf ears. He was 5 pounds, 6 ounces and 19.5 inches long. We didn't get to see his eyes, but I think he would have looked like Andrew in that department, too. He had dark hair like me and I have never felt softer skin. He was a dream and I am and will always be broken hearted that I can't take care of him anymore.
The eight months we had with Maddox were an incredible blessing from God and we are so thankful for our time with him. The road ahead is long, but we are loved by a faithful God and we will make it through this time together.
Shared from the Maddox journal I started while I was pregnant
Maddox was beautiful. He had my face and Andrew's body, including his super long, flat feet, long fingers and elf ears. He was 5 pounds, 6 ounces and 19.5 inches long. We didn't get to see his eyes, but I think he would have looked like Andrew in that department, too. He had dark hair like me and I have never felt softer skin. He was a dream and I am and will always be broken hearted that I can't take care of him anymore.
The eight months we had with Maddox were an incredible blessing from God and we are so thankful for our time with him. The road ahead is long, but we are loved by a faithful God and we will make it through this time together.
Shared from the Maddox journal I started while I was pregnant
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Our Birth Story
I have been awake for over an hour. Sleep has never been a problem for me, but I don’t seem to want much of it even though I know I need to rest. I woke up and had to think about what day it is. It is Thursday. Three days ago we learned that Maddox had gone to heaven to be with his Heavenly Father but that we would be blessed with the opportunity to meet, hold and love on him before we had to say goodbye. This is our precious, perfect piece of “sonshine” Maddox Wilhelm Prime Schulze. He seems like a dream to me as I write this, but I know he is real. I have a beautiful son, I just get to have him when I get to heaven instead of now.
Maddox Wilhelm Prime Schulze
Stillborn December 13 at 4:01 am
5 pounds, 6 ounces and 19½ inches long
After my second cervical check and dose of cytotec (I looked it up) to get labor moving along, my water broke on its own. I remember texting my mom, Meghan and Meridith to share the happy news at 10:34 pm. It happened just as Andrew and I were getting into bed to get some rest before active labor began and meant there would be no hope for sleep until we got to meet our son.
In the beginning, I labored lying down on my left side and Andrew helped me through my contractions with the double hip squeeze technique we learned in our Bradley class. He was so strong and helpful and did and said exactly what I needed him to every step of the way. When that position wasn’t comfortable anymore, I labored squatting on the birth ball and leaning into a stack of pillows piled up over the bed. That was my least favorite of all the positions, but our midwives (Lisa, Marcia and Jordan) coached me through several contractions on the ball because the new position was helping my labor to progress. The next position was my favorite, laboring in the perfectly warm water of the birth tub. After we were home, Andrew laughed and shared how happy the water made me. It was very helpful for the pain I was going through. At one point I told Andrew he should get in because he was really missing out on how awesome it was. I said we needed a birth tub in our living room. Ha, ha!
I started feeling pressure like I needed to use the bathroom, so I asked Andrew to help me go try. He got me through several contractions on his own as I sat on the toilet and our midwives waited outside the bathroom. My labor was getting increasingly difficult by then and I had to stop to get through a few on our way back to our birth room. I felt so tired when we got back to the room; I basically fell onto the bed. That’s when Marcia sat down with me and explained I was 2.5 cm dilated and reminded me that I didn’t have to continue through the pain without help, I could be transferred to the hospital if I felt like it was too much. Without realizing it, I had given her a look while I was in the birth tub that she and the other midwives recognized, and Andrew was suffering a lot as he felt helpless watching me struggle with so much pain.
I didn’t feel at all defeated or letdown. I knew I needed help. I probably would not have asked for it if Marcia didn’t offer it again, but I definitely needed it. I agreed to go to the hospital and everyone was in immediate action to get me there. Andrew and our midwives helped me get dressed and our families started our car and packed up all of our things for the hospital. I think it was a little after 2 am as Andrew followed one of the midwives and drove me to the hospital.
The OB, Dr. Roque, had called ahead to let the hospital, Davis Regional Medical Center, know that we were coming, but we dealt with some resistance from a woman at the emergency room desk and a grouchy lady in the financial department. Thankfully, Andrew was able to take care of what they needed from me and Marcia wheeled me right up to our room. I was in terrible pain and I know it wasn’t, but it felt like ages before I was able to get my epidural. They had to run a bag of fluids through my IV before they could give me the epidural and I guess that’s what took so long.
I was in intense labor by the time the anesthesiologist came to help me. Marcia and Andrew helped me turn over and coached me through arching my back for the doctor while he tried to ask me questions and read disclaimers about the epidural to me before he could give it to me. By this point, we were all very aware that I am a moaning laborer and moaning through my contractions helped me a lot. My labor was so intense and my moaning was so loud that I couldn’t hear the guy asking me the questions and I eventually yelled (not in a mean way, I was just loud) that I couldn’t hear him. Looking back it was pretty funny. “I can’t hear you!” “The sooner you answer these questions the sooner I can get you relief.” “But what did you say?!” Ha, ha!
I was surprised that it took a few minutes (my sense of time through all of this is greatly flawed) for the epidural to kick in, but boy was I a happy, happy girl when it did! I think it may have been a little after 3:30 am by the time I was feeling good again and ready to see my family. They came in to visit for a minute, but then it was time for me to get some rest. Marcia (or maybe it was Dr. Roque?) checked my cervix again and I had progressed to 7.5 cm dilated and I think Maddox was at stage +2. I kept telling our midwives that it felt like I needed to use the bathroom and they told me I was fine but needed to let them know if it felt like there was a lot of pressure and things were just going to start coming out on their own.
I tried to close my eyes and get some rest. Andrew and I were both so heartbroken and trying to get through labor and delivery to meet our little boy. We were exhausted. Andrew handled and has been handling everything so well. He has been a real superhero to me and given me everything I have needed, every single thing. It has been incredible to see the support we have given each other and how this devastation in our lives has brought us so much closer already. But at this point, there was no use in trying to sleep. I felt like I needed to use the bathroom and I asked Andrew to call the midwives back in. Sure enough, I was fully dilated and it was time to push!
I don’t know the exact time pushing started, but I think it was about 10 minutes to 4:00 am. I asked my midwife Lisa later and she said I delivered Maddox in only three contractions – she and everyone else said they were amazed at my pushing for being a first time mom. I credit my incredible coaches. They were so encouraging and supportive and I am so thankful to have had them with me. It didn’t happen how I thought would, but my labor and delivery experience was perfect for me. I am so proud of myself and feel so thankful to my midwives, Dr. Roque and the hospital staff.
Maddox was born at 4:01 am. And he was perfect. Dr. Roque placed him on my abdomen while I delivered his placenta and Andrew cut the umbilical cord. We spent the next four hours introducing our precious angel to his loving, heartbroken grandparents and aunts, giving everyone time to love on him before they respected the privacy of our little family and left us alone to spend what I truly believe are the greatest, proudest moments of my life with the beautiful boy we have loved, cared for and anxiously waited to meet since learning in April that he would be joining our family.
Andrew and I held our little boy. We kissed him, talked to him, rocked him and prayed over him. We asked God for His help through this and thanked Him for the time we got to have with Maddox. We have seen God's presence in this and trust in His faithfulness to see us through the difficult days, weeks and years ahead. I don't believe we will ever be finished grieving the loss of our little boy on earth. We will always love, miss and remember him. We are still his mommy and daddy and there is no way nine months could ever seem like enough time to have him with us, but I would do it all over again even if I knew this is what we had to face. Every moment we had with him was cherished and being able to hold him when he was born was a true blessing.
Someone shared with my dad that "not everyone gets a baby in heaven". I would love to have my baby here with me now, but I look forward to heaven even more now and I can't wait to see him again.
Maddox Wilhelm Prime Schulze
Stillborn December 13 at 4:01 am
5 pounds, 6 ounces and 19½ inches long
After my second cervical check and dose of cytotec (I looked it up) to get labor moving along, my water broke on its own. I remember texting my mom, Meghan and Meridith to share the happy news at 10:34 pm. It happened just as Andrew and I were getting into bed to get some rest before active labor began and meant there would be no hope for sleep until we got to meet our son.
In the beginning, I labored lying down on my left side and Andrew helped me through my contractions with the double hip squeeze technique we learned in our Bradley class. He was so strong and helpful and did and said exactly what I needed him to every step of the way. When that position wasn’t comfortable anymore, I labored squatting on the birth ball and leaning into a stack of pillows piled up over the bed. That was my least favorite of all the positions, but our midwives (Lisa, Marcia and Jordan) coached me through several contractions on the ball because the new position was helping my labor to progress. The next position was my favorite, laboring in the perfectly warm water of the birth tub. After we were home, Andrew laughed and shared how happy the water made me. It was very helpful for the pain I was going through. At one point I told Andrew he should get in because he was really missing out on how awesome it was. I said we needed a birth tub in our living room. Ha, ha!
I started feeling pressure like I needed to use the bathroom, so I asked Andrew to help me go try. He got me through several contractions on his own as I sat on the toilet and our midwives waited outside the bathroom. My labor was getting increasingly difficult by then and I had to stop to get through a few on our way back to our birth room. I felt so tired when we got back to the room; I basically fell onto the bed. That’s when Marcia sat down with me and explained I was 2.5 cm dilated and reminded me that I didn’t have to continue through the pain without help, I could be transferred to the hospital if I felt like it was too much. Without realizing it, I had given her a look while I was in the birth tub that she and the other midwives recognized, and Andrew was suffering a lot as he felt helpless watching me struggle with so much pain.
I didn’t feel at all defeated or letdown. I knew I needed help. I probably would not have asked for it if Marcia didn’t offer it again, but I definitely needed it. I agreed to go to the hospital and everyone was in immediate action to get me there. Andrew and our midwives helped me get dressed and our families started our car and packed up all of our things for the hospital. I think it was a little after 2 am as Andrew followed one of the midwives and drove me to the hospital.
The OB, Dr. Roque, had called ahead to let the hospital, Davis Regional Medical Center, know that we were coming, but we dealt with some resistance from a woman at the emergency room desk and a grouchy lady in the financial department. Thankfully, Andrew was able to take care of what they needed from me and Marcia wheeled me right up to our room. I was in terrible pain and I know it wasn’t, but it felt like ages before I was able to get my epidural. They had to run a bag of fluids through my IV before they could give me the epidural and I guess that’s what took so long.
I was in intense labor by the time the anesthesiologist came to help me. Marcia and Andrew helped me turn over and coached me through arching my back for the doctor while he tried to ask me questions and read disclaimers about the epidural to me before he could give it to me. By this point, we were all very aware that I am a moaning laborer and moaning through my contractions helped me a lot. My labor was so intense and my moaning was so loud that I couldn’t hear the guy asking me the questions and I eventually yelled (not in a mean way, I was just loud) that I couldn’t hear him. Looking back it was pretty funny. “I can’t hear you!” “The sooner you answer these questions the sooner I can get you relief.” “But what did you say?!” Ha, ha!
I was surprised that it took a few minutes (my sense of time through all of this is greatly flawed) for the epidural to kick in, but boy was I a happy, happy girl when it did! I think it may have been a little after 3:30 am by the time I was feeling good again and ready to see my family. They came in to visit for a minute, but then it was time for me to get some rest. Marcia (or maybe it was Dr. Roque?) checked my cervix again and I had progressed to 7.5 cm dilated and I think Maddox was at stage +2. I kept telling our midwives that it felt like I needed to use the bathroom and they told me I was fine but needed to let them know if it felt like there was a lot of pressure and things were just going to start coming out on their own.
I tried to close my eyes and get some rest. Andrew and I were both so heartbroken and trying to get through labor and delivery to meet our little boy. We were exhausted. Andrew handled and has been handling everything so well. He has been a real superhero to me and given me everything I have needed, every single thing. It has been incredible to see the support we have given each other and how this devastation in our lives has brought us so much closer already. But at this point, there was no use in trying to sleep. I felt like I needed to use the bathroom and I asked Andrew to call the midwives back in. Sure enough, I was fully dilated and it was time to push!
I don’t know the exact time pushing started, but I think it was about 10 minutes to 4:00 am. I asked my midwife Lisa later and she said I delivered Maddox in only three contractions – she and everyone else said they were amazed at my pushing for being a first time mom. I credit my incredible coaches. They were so encouraging and supportive and I am so thankful to have had them with me. It didn’t happen how I thought would, but my labor and delivery experience was perfect for me. I am so proud of myself and feel so thankful to my midwives, Dr. Roque and the hospital staff.
Maddox was born at 4:01 am. And he was perfect. Dr. Roque placed him on my abdomen while I delivered his placenta and Andrew cut the umbilical cord. We spent the next four hours introducing our precious angel to his loving, heartbroken grandparents and aunts, giving everyone time to love on him before they respected the privacy of our little family and left us alone to spend what I truly believe are the greatest, proudest moments of my life with the beautiful boy we have loved, cared for and anxiously waited to meet since learning in April that he would be joining our family.
Andrew and I held our little boy. We kissed him, talked to him, rocked him and prayed over him. We asked God for His help through this and thanked Him for the time we got to have with Maddox. We have seen God's presence in this and trust in His faithfulness to see us through the difficult days, weeks and years ahead. I don't believe we will ever be finished grieving the loss of our little boy on earth. We will always love, miss and remember him. We are still his mommy and daddy and there is no way nine months could ever seem like enough time to have him with us, but I would do it all over again even if I knew this is what we had to face. Every moment we had with him was cherished and being able to hold him when he was born was a true blessing.
Someone shared with my dad that "not everyone gets a baby in heaven". I would love to have my baby here with me now, but I look forward to heaven even more now and I can't wait to see him again.
Monday, December 12, 2011
We Lost Maddox
There is no way to say this other than to just say it. We lost Maddox.
Andrew and I went to our regularly scheduled midwife appointment this afternoon and Lisa couldn't find his heartbeat. Another midwife at our birth center tried to find his heartbeat and she was unsuccessful as well. Immediately, our midwife arranged for us to have an ultrasound. We followed her to that office where they confirmed Maddox's heartbeat is gone.
We are devastated. There really aren't words. It still seems so unreal to me, to both of us. Andrew is taking it a lot harder than I am right now. I think I am only able to focus because I still have to get through delivering Maddox.
After the ultrasound, we followed our midwife back to the birth center to pick up some medication to induce labor (I don't know the name of it) and came to the birth center here in Statesville. We were seen by them on Wednesday and since they're an OB/midwife office, we are allowed to deliver here even though Maddox will be stillborn.
We've been here since about 6:30 pm. We tried a second ultrasound just to make sure and there was definitely no heartbeat. Marcia (the midwife here) checked my cervix and I was not dilated at all, so that's when they gave me the medicine to jumpstart my labor.
It's been a slow process so far and there's no telling how long we'll be here. I'm so thankful to be able to continue with the natural birth process; I can even have a water birth just like I had hoped before this happened. We are planning to hold Maddox when he's born and to spend as much time with him as possible. We will get to stay with him as long as we want and all of our family will be able to hold him and say goodbye, too. There is a professional photographer who is coming to take pictures for us, which is so very nice. I know I will cherish those photos for the rest of my life.
Right now, my contractions are about 6 minutes apart. They're mildly painful. I'd actually been having contractions all day and didn't realize it because they didn't "hurt" like I expected them to.
I'm going to go lie down, will probably have Andrew come with me so we can have some alone time. Dad, Wendy, JT, Tab and Natalie are here. Rodney was here earlier and will come back tomorrow morning. Dad is upset that I am not at a hospital and is actually sitting out in the truck. I know he's just worried about my health and safety, but I have full confidence in the care I'm receiving and I am much more comfortable at the birth center than I would be at the hospital. Deb is on her way from Charlottesville and Bethany is on her way from Chattanooga.
We're not sure at this point what went wrong. The first ultrasound tech mentioned an abnormality in Maddox's abdomen, but we may never know for sure. We are ordering an autopsy once he is born and will also have blood and genetic testings.
I can't believe that I'll be planning a funeral this weekend instead of bringing my son home.
Andrew and I went to our regularly scheduled midwife appointment this afternoon and Lisa couldn't find his heartbeat. Another midwife at our birth center tried to find his heartbeat and she was unsuccessful as well. Immediately, our midwife arranged for us to have an ultrasound. We followed her to that office where they confirmed Maddox's heartbeat is gone.
We are devastated. There really aren't words. It still seems so unreal to me, to both of us. Andrew is taking it a lot harder than I am right now. I think I am only able to focus because I still have to get through delivering Maddox.
After the ultrasound, we followed our midwife back to the birth center to pick up some medication to induce labor (I don't know the name of it) and came to the birth center here in Statesville. We were seen by them on Wednesday and since they're an OB/midwife office, we are allowed to deliver here even though Maddox will be stillborn.
We've been here since about 6:30 pm. We tried a second ultrasound just to make sure and there was definitely no heartbeat. Marcia (the midwife here) checked my cervix and I was not dilated at all, so that's when they gave me the medicine to jumpstart my labor.
It's been a slow process so far and there's no telling how long we'll be here. I'm so thankful to be able to continue with the natural birth process; I can even have a water birth just like I had hoped before this happened. We are planning to hold Maddox when he's born and to spend as much time with him as possible. We will get to stay with him as long as we want and all of our family will be able to hold him and say goodbye, too. There is a professional photographer who is coming to take pictures for us, which is so very nice. I know I will cherish those photos for the rest of my life.
Right now, my contractions are about 6 minutes apart. They're mildly painful. I'd actually been having contractions all day and didn't realize it because they didn't "hurt" like I expected them to.
I'm going to go lie down, will probably have Andrew come with me so we can have some alone time. Dad, Wendy, JT, Tab and Natalie are here. Rodney was here earlier and will come back tomorrow morning. Dad is upset that I am not at a hospital and is actually sitting out in the truck. I know he's just worried about my health and safety, but I have full confidence in the care I'm receiving and I am much more comfortable at the birth center than I would be at the hospital. Deb is on her way from Charlottesville and Bethany is on her way from Chattanooga.
We're not sure at this point what went wrong. The first ultrasound tech mentioned an abnormality in Maddox's abdomen, but we may never know for sure. We are ordering an autopsy once he is born and will also have blood and genetic testings.
I can't believe that I'll be planning a funeral this weekend instead of bringing my son home.
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