Figuring This Out

Andrew had to return to work yesterday. I had been dreading it, literally crying when I thought about him being gone from me all day and me being "alone," despite my parents living next door and having many friends come by to keep me company.

I did surprising well. I cried a few times for Maddox, but I was able to keep myself from breaking down in hysterics. My ex-boss/coworkers Laura and Courtney stopped by for a little bit on their way to Charlotte yesterday morning. I shared the recording of Andrew's eulogy with Courtney since she wasn't able to be at Maddox's memorial service and the three of us also rewatched the video we played during his visitation. I actually felt some happiness in remembering my sweet boy instead of the gut-wrenching pain of what I've lost. Meghan and Meridith came to spend the afternoon with me. We went to Olive Garden for lunch and came back to the house and exchanged Christmas gifts and watched The Help. I cried a little once while we were out. Overall, I was proud of myself for being able to cry without either completely losing it or feeling the need to mask my hurt. It was a good day.

Everything I've read and nearly everyone I've talked to has said there will be good days and bad days. I am trying to be thankful for the good days and to accept that the bad days will come but know that for each I need to remain prayerful and praise God.

My midwife Lisa brought me a book sometime during the week that Maddox was born called Grieving the Child I Never Knew by Kathe Wunnenberg. I started reading it a couple of days ago and it's been very helpful, so I texted her last night to say thank you. She told me that another midwife's client (Christine, the midwife who confirmed Maddox had no heartbeat before we went to the ultrasound place for official confirmation) gave birth to a stillborn on Christmas Eve. :( My heart broke for the woman as soon as I read the text and I am so very sorry that someone else has to go through this. Lisa said she and Christine would like to connect the two of us and I am open to it. It is a terrible thing to have in common, but it seems like it would be helpful to have someone to relate to.

I do have some positive news to report: I got a job! It is in Wilmington, Delaware, about 40 minutes from where Andrew will be working. I'm not excited that it's so far apart, but the good news is we should be able to find a place to rent that's somewhere between the two and whatever way you slice it, anything's better than the crazy commute we've had for the past 15 months. I will miss being able to drive to work together, but we should be able to spend more time together at home and I am looking forward to that. I am still waiting for final confirmation that everything has gone through, but everything should be fine and I think I will be starting around January 30th.

Donna, the woman I am donating Maddox's breast milk to, is coming by to pick up her first stash of milk later this morning. I've pumped over 10 ounces this morning alone and I counted a total of 24 bags in our freezer. I've been pumping since December 15th (I think?) and I am glad it's going so well. If I'm able to, I'd like to pump for around six months since that's the minimum amount of time I would have breastfed Maddox. It makes me feel better physically to get his milk out and better emotionally to know that his milk is benefiting another baby, a baby that was almost aborted but will have a chance at life thanks to Donna and her husband and seven-year-old son. Plus, I am pretty sure it's helping me lose my pregnancy weight. Other than sometimes getting emotional that this is Maddox's milk and feeling like he should be here and I should be feeding him, I am happy that the option of donating Maddox's milk was made available to me. I wouldn't want to waste such a precious gift and resource.