Grief Journal - 5

Father,

Thank you for another morning to spend time focusing on you and learning more about Your truths. Thank you for time with Andrew last night. Thank you for another opportunity to live for you. Please help me to be positive, productive and motivated today. Lord, please change me, make me new. I fall short in so many ways, but I am trying. Please forgive me for my many sins. Shed light on them and help me make better decisions in all areas of my life. Thank you for everything you do. Please hug and kiss my boy for me

In Jesus' name alone, Amen

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Soon after we moved to Delaware, Andrew and I got connected with a great church in Wilmington called Brandywine Valley Baptist Church. Several weeks ago, we started attending an incredible support group at the church on Thursday nights called GriefShare. Each week we meet with other grieving people, people who have become our friends, to share where we are in our grief journey, pray for each other and study biblical truths to help us through this journey we did not choose to go on. During the week we are encouraged to pray, journal and work through various exercises designed to guide us “from mourning to joy.” I can’t recommend this program enough. It has been the single most helpful thing I have done to work my way through the grief of losing Maddox.

Last week, in addition to the regular GriefShare exercises, we were supposed to think about the last time we felt joy. This was not easy for me, because the more I thought about it the more I realized how easy it is to confuse joy and happiness. I can think of lots of times I have felt happy since losing Maddox – a lazy Saturday morning in bed with Andrew and the dogs a couple weeks ago, conversations with Meghan and my mom, picking out decorations for our new place together at Target…

But that happiness is emotional, it’s fleeting – there one minute, gone the next. Joy is harder to define. Joy is more than a mere emotional response. Like faith, it is a choice. Like faith, it can be unmoving and not based only on the circumstances of the moment. Joy is so much more than happiness.

I felt joy while holding my sweet baby boy at the hospital, feeling his small body warm with the life he had, seeing his face and comparing his features to mine and Andrew’s. That joy was sadly overshadowed by the pain we felt in losing him, just when we had expected to be meeting him and falling in love with him even more. But the joy remains because of God’s promises and His presence. He has revealed Himself in a way I have not previously had the privilege of seeing. Nothing other than such a great loss can allow a person to experience God in such a way. What comfort it is to know that God has known about Maddox since before the world was formed. God knew the short life our boy would have and the impact his life would have on me, Andrew and those who knew and still love him. I feel joy in remembering my “sonshine” and though I am deeply saddened he is not with me now, I have hope and peace in knowing that some day, someday soon, I will see him again in heaven. Thank God for His promises and above all salvation in Him!

“So also you have sorrow now, but I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy from you.” – John 16:22

“And the ransomed of the Lord shall return and come to Zion with singing; everlasting joy shall be upon their heads; they shall obtain gladness and joy, and sorrow and sighing shall flee away.” – Isaiah 35:10b

“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.” – James 1:2-3

Adapted from my grief journal

Prayer Journal - 6

Lord,

I am struggling with my feelings toward others, their complaints about their children. I am hurt when people choose to try to "hide" my feelings because of how they make them feel. My intentions are not to make anyone upset, embarrassed or to feel guilty. I have tried to be clear about that. I don't think I have done anything wrong by sharing how I feel, but if I did, Lord, please forgive me. Show me how I should respond in these situations, how I can honor Maddox and keep his memory alive, be true to my feelings/convictions but above all, honor you.

This is not easy, Lord. I am sorry to ask, ask, ask of you, but you know I need you and Your guidance through this. Please be with me, comfort me and give me peace. I don't know how to do this, to live through this, but I pray for Your presence. I know you will get me through.

I am homesick for heaven, for you and for my boy. Help me to make the most of my time until I can go home.

Amen

Shared from my prayer journal

Grief Journal - 4

Dear Lord, Father,

Thank you for this time to spend focusing on Your word and learning about Your truths. How great it is to be able to spend time with you at the start of my day, to get in the right mindset to face what is to happen today. I love you. Please help me to live in a way that reflects my love for you. Let me live boldly, gracefully, in a way that brings glory to Your name.

Thank you for Your word and for those you have gifted with the ability to help others teach its relevance in my life today. I am comforted by Psalm 139:16, which says, "In Your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them." What an incredible truth, knowing that you are not surprised by what happens in my life, that you know what is yet to come for me and that it is all for my good. These things don't take away my grief, the pain I feel from losing Maddox, but they give my pain a purpose. Each day I am being molded into the person you made me to be, more in the image of Christ than the day before. I am in awe that you love me so.

Amen

Shared from my grief journal

It's been a while.

I’ve thought many times about writing, but I haven’t been able to find the words to say or the motivation to write them. I’ve had a good couple of days though, a lot of motivation. On Friday, I hung some things on the walls, which was quite the task with the plaster walls. Saturday, I went on a cleaning/organization spree. I got my closet and shoes in order, finally straightened up the dining room, caught up on laundry and did some dusting and vacuuming. Sunday, I woke up with a headache. Andrew and I skipped church (although I did catch some Charles Stanley on TV) and went shopping after I felt better instead. We went to Target and got some new things for our place, curtains, curtain rods, a storage cabinet for the living room, an end table lamp. Andrew hung the curtains and I put together the cabinet. Tonight, I unpacked a box of office supplies and organized them in the cabinet. These things probably all sound so simple and mundane, but they’re big doings for me considering my general state of mind lately.

I am still seeing my counselor, Gretchen. I meet with her Mondays after work from 5:00 to 6:00. She’s very nice, a Christian and genuinely interested in hearing about Maddox. Andrew and I are also going to GriefShare on Thursday nights at the church we’ve decided to regularly attend. I’ve been spending a lot of time with my neighbors, Mindy and Nicholette. Mindy and I have gone shopping together a couple times and last Saturday night she, her fiancé Sal, Andrew and I got together and played Wii games for much of the night. Nicholette has a dog named Bear and she and I have taken our dogs to the park together a couple times. I’m happy to have neighbors that I like and I’m surprised actually, considering I generally feel like I have a hard time making new, quality friends.

The brothers were groomed today for the first time since our move to Delaware. They look pretty good and have been worn out all evening. Thermometer hardly tried to play at all, so unlike him.

I want to get back to updating regularly. This is a good start.

Grief Journal - 3

I have struggled all week to get out of bed to start getting ready for work at a decent hour. I would have called this laziness, but Gretchen says it's a lack of motivation, to be expected, normal. I suppose it's another case of me being too hard on myself.

At GriefShare last night, I mentioned this morning problem and Lannie (our group leader) said he gets up at 6:00 every morning to have time for prayer and to walk. I have sorely missed my devotional time and neglected the therapeutic benefits of journaling. I am not sure how I will do moving forward, but I got out of bed at 6:05 this morning; got my GriefShare books, made a cup of coffee and here I am. Looking forward to doing something positive first thing in the morning made getting out of bed that much easier.

I had a crazy dream last night, not an unusual thing for me. I was at a gym or dance studio and I needed to put something in my car. When I went outside there was a man who said he was just waiting on his girlfriend; somehow I knew he was from North Carolina. But as I walked to my car he came up behind me, covered my mouth with a cloth that made me pass out and kidnapped me.

When I woke up (still in my dream here), I was at a woman's house and she and her husband were going to keep me there so I could have a baby for them. Instead of being scared, I told her I loved being pregnant and would agree to help them have a baby, but I tried to convince her about me living my normal life and giving them the baby after it was born. Apparently she couldn't have children but they started telling people she was pregnant and had even had a baby shower. Now she had to come up with a baby.

Of course, this dream was very similar to the episode of Law and Order: SVU that I watched last weekend. That and too many episodes of Dance Moms is a bad idea.

It feels good to have started my day out with this little routine. I am going to sit on the couch and finish my coffee before I get ready to go to work.

Shared from my grief journal

Grief Journal - 2

I struggle to find motivation to do much these days. Set my alarm to get up at 6:15 this morning; didn't roll out of bed until 7:15 am. I am (mostly) productive at work, but tasks/the amount of work get overwhelming at times. I am doing my best though, and everyone seems pleased with my performance.

I am trying to do better while at home. I would like to journal more and start doing my GriefShare homework. I would really like to figure out some storage solutions for our new place - over a month here and there are still boxes left to unpack! Most of all, I want Andrew and I to get back on track with our Bible reading and prayer lives.

I make grand plans in my mind to accomplish all these things, but I really must begin one step at a time. Gretchen, my counselor, is adamant that I am not lazy. I suppose I'm too hard on myself. It's barely been more than two months since Maddox was born. Our grief is still so fresh, not to mention my hormonal changes, our move, new jobs, new church, new friends. It's a lot for anyone to handle.

This entry is a step in the right direction. Tomorrow is a new day. I will keep my head up and keep keeping on!

Shared from my grief journal

Grief Journal - 1

Maddox would have been two months old yesterday, nine weeks old today. I struggle when I wonder what our lives would look like with him here with us. What would he be doing now? What would our schedules look like? How would we split the responsibility of caring for him? Would he be smiling yet? What would his cry sound like? His laugh? Everything we "miss" his hypothetical and that's hard. I wish he was with us, but I a doing my best to accept our new normal.

Andrew and I have been attending GriefShare at Brandywine Valley Baptist on Thursdays. The videos, support, discussions and prayers have been helpful. This will be our fourth week and I have yet to work up the energy or motivation to do any of my grief work during the week. I can't tell you the number of hours I've wasted watching TV or going to bed before 9:30. Even this isn't technically my grief work, but at least I've taken a few moments to write.

I hope to do better with this soon.

Shared from my grief journal

Prayer Journal - 5

Dear Father,

You are so faithful. Thank you for getting me through another week. I am undeserving of the mercy you show me each day. Please make me more like you every day. Help me as I made decisions. Please guide me, make me productive, righteous, an example of you. I am truly amazed by the grace you show me, that although I am flesh and fall short, you have mercy on me and bring my next breath.

♪If Your grace is an ocean we're all sinking. ♪

It's true. I want to know you. I want to hear "Well done, my good and faithful servant." I trust in Your plan for my life and though I do not understand Your ways, I pray that you will give me strength to pick up my cross daily and follow you. More of you, less of me.

Please love on Maddox for me.

In Jesus' name, amen.

Shared from my prayer journal