Acknowledge His Control

I went to a counselor Monday night. She suggested I see a doctor who could prescribe some antidepressants. After much effort, I got into a doctor's office on Tuesday. I was prescribed a generic of Zoloft, 25 mg for seven days and then a 30-day supply of 50 mg. I have to go back soon to have some blood work done because they also changed my blood pressure medicine back to what I was on before I got pregnant with Maddox.

Andrew and I went to GriefShare last night at the church we've been visiting. It was helpful, gave Andrew a chance to open up some and introduced us to some new people. It's a 13-week program that runs continuously; I'll be going all the way through (I think we were in week eight yesterday). We felt very welcome and everyone was super nice.

I talked to Hospice of Delaware today and I'll be connected with a counselor (free!) next week. Like Leigh Anne in Statesville, Leslie at Hospice here recommended that I attend some Compassionate Friends meetings since it's specifically for parents who have lost children. Conveniently, the meetings for our chapter of CF also meets at our church, every 2nd and 4th Tuesday.

Andrew and I had a night out tonight. We went to Glenn Mills (PA) for dinner at PF Chang's and ended up eating at a cute 40s/50s style diner called Ruby's instead. We stopped in at the Fresh Market and discovered we can get Cheerwine there! (For those of you who are not from the south, Cheerwine is a cherry-flavored soda that was "born" in Salisbury, where we just moved from.) I went into the Fresh Market specifically for some rotissorie style chicken salad and croissants, but they were out of both. Boo! Andrew got a napoleon and we picked up some fresh strawberries, so it wasn't a total bust. We had a great evening out...felt almost like "normal."

Lauren at GriefShare said something last night that really stuck with me. She said (to another woman, Allison, who lost her husband), "You have to get to the point where you acknowledge that God is either in control or He's not." So true. I believe that God is in control and I trust in His faithfulness. It is not easy, but like the GriefShare video said too, what has happened with our precious Maddox and our grief for him is helping Andrew and I to become more like Christ, more like the people God designed us to be. It's not easy, but it's real.

Prayer Journal - 4

Father,

Thank you for getting me through this day. I miss Maddox and thought of him often, but you gave me strength and helped me go back to work, my first day at ASK. Maddox has been with you for six weeks now, and one day, and I trust that you are caring for him and loving on him for us.

Oh, Lord. I am aching to hold him and my heart is so broken. Please meet me in my brokenness. Hold me, care for me, please restore me to a functional order. Please give me faith when I am weak, I am so weak. Show me Your ways, please give me understanding.

I know you are unchanging - help my love for you to be as well. Take away my anxieties, please. Help me serve you and bring glory to Your awesome name.

Please hug and kiss my boy for me. Amen.

Shared from my prayer journal

Maddox Journal - 2.5

Today was my first day back to work (at a new job) since Maddox was born. He would have been six weeks and one day old, home from his first day at daycare.

When I was pregnant with him I cried at the thought of taking him to daycare, how being separated from him during the day would be too hard for me to handle. I never dreamed that he would die. The only thing that makes this separation tolerable is believing he is with Jesus in heaven right now; our time apart is limited and we will be reunited in heaven for eternity soon.

I have had a few really hard days - almost non-stop crying from Saturday through yesterday. I saw a counselor Monday night and went to a family doctor on Tuesday and was prescribed antidepressants. Starting my new job helped today... it was a good day all things considered.

I wish Maddox could be here with us right now. I miss him so much. I am so sad without him. I am just so sad.

Shared from the Maddox journal I started while I was pregnant

Maddox Journal - 2.4

This ache in my heart is almost unbearable sometimes. I hurt so much with the absence of our little boy from our daily lives here on earth. I cry and cry and I know that no amount of tears will bring him back, but I want him here so badly. Losing Maddox and this separation from him is the hardest thing I have ever gone through. I don't know how I will make it.

How do people survive things like this, losing a child you wanted, the child you cared for and knew, the child that grew inside of you, that had developed a personality, that already had you wrapped around his finger? Maddox is my baby, my little man, my son. There was so much to look forward to.

It was scary to face the challenge of parenthood, but we were ready, excited and willing to do anything to bring up our little boy in a loving, God-fearing home. It feels like we've been robbed. We were just days from meeting our sonshine but he was taken from us. God is in control, I know, but why? Why did He take our boy? I have wanted him since the day I was born. Why couldn't I keep him?

My heart is so broken.

Shared from the Maddox journal I started while I was pregnant

A Trip to Texas

I had a great time with my mom in Texas this week. I am really glad I went.

I got only four hours of sleep last night. My flight from Memphis to Philly was delayed over an hour because of the snow that came through last night. I can't believe it was 75 degrees in Texas yesterday and I flew into snow today!

Andrew and I went to Kevin and Wendy's for a fondu dinner with them and two other couples (Kevin's sister and brother-in-law and some friends, Mike and Annie). I had had a mini breakdown when I got in from the airport - exhaustion + missing my mom + really missing Maddox - and it was good to distract myself by going over there for dinner. We had a good time and I probably would have been a hysterical mess until I cried myself to sleep otherwise, so it was a good thing all around.

On Thursday, I went to Rockwall to see my elementary school friend Virginia. I met her adorable 7-month-old Lawson, her diva 3-year-old Brooklyn and her husband Brooks. We hadn't seen each other since she moved in 5th grade - 13 years! We talked ALL day, "like a couple of school girls" like she said. It was so good to see her and I think she's going to make a trip to Delaware for a girls' weekend sometime soon!

Virginia and me, January 19th

Mom took off work Friday. It was her birthday - she turned 42! We went shopping all over the place. I ended up buying a chain from James Avery for the motherhood charm Donna got me and Mom bought me a remembrance charm with Maddox's birth stone to attach to the motherhood charm/necklace. I am in love with it. I felt bad that she bought me something on her birthday and I protested, but she wanted to do it. I love it - it makes what is already special to me even more special and I love the combination of his birthstone with the motherhood charm. It's simple and so beautiful to me. We went to dinner at a place called Kenny's. After dinner we played Just Dance 3 on the Xbox Kinect. It was SO fun! I ended up staying up until 12:30 am (central) and getting up at 4:30 this morning! It's been a long day.

I miss my mom so much, but I think we're going to start scheduling visits a couple of months in advance. I am glad I will always have something to look forward to.

Andrew and I are going back to Brandywine Valley for church tomorrow! I am excited about getting plugged in. For now it's time for Andrew and I to do our Bible reading for today and get into bed.

Let the Waters Rise

I am so confused. I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me. I can't explain how lost I feel, but without a real care to be "found". So much of my life these past five weeks has been going through the motions, taking the necessary steps to get form point A to point B. I don't know that I've really taken anything in. I had the most clarity during my labor and my time with Maddox at the hospital, then again for his visitation, memorial service and burial. Other than that, I just don't know. I have been doing what needs to be done, running errands that need to be run, packing and unpacking boxes that need it, showering, eating when encouraged and trying to remember my blood pressure meds and, since last Wednesday, birth control. I don't know if I feel more lost now that I'm not pumping anymore or if that has any real effect. I know that I told God today that it'd be just fine with me if He decided that my plane should crash (oh, I am currently in Texas visiting my mom) and I really felt that way. I fell asleep at one point and was disappointed to wake up and realize we were still in the air. Those thoughts are disturbing, that I have them and that hours later I can look back, remember them and think still that I feel that way. I suppose that's a normal part of the grieving process, but I don't really know. I don't want to harm myself and I know I am not really suicidal. I guess you could say that I'm more apathetic over living versus dying. Before losing Maddox I didn't ever really want to die. I knew I'd go to heaven if I did, so I was okay knowing that I could die and at least I'd go to heaven. Now I feel like I would welcome death with open arms - hallelujah, it's come! These kinds of thoughts make me think I should reach out to a professional for some kind of medication. Really though, I think connecting with a grief group, which I'm in the process of doing, will be more helpful than that. That and leaning more on God. Nothing is going to "fix" my hurt and I worry that I could become addicted or be more inclined to do something dumb, like intentionally overdose, if I was on medication. It's probably just best for me to try working this out with the help of genuine Christian friends who have been through this already and have survived it with their faith in and love for God in tact. I have a war raging inside of me. Anyone heard of "Let the Waters Rise" by Mikeschair? That's how I feel.

Prayer Journal - 3

Dear Lord,

I know you're calling me closer to you. Please help me to respond in obedience, to commit my every thought and action toward Your glorification. I feel convicted by the words in Romans 7:15-25. My intentions are good, but how wicked I feel I am. :( I am broken. You know my brokenness. I need you to hold me, to wrap Your arms around me, to please get me through this. You know what I really need. So many times in these past five weeks I have begged you to take me from this world. I am homesick for heaven. I hurt and I ache and I long for Your comfort. I am tired, weary, weak. I am depressed. Though I am functional as far as the world is concerned, I am, I feel useless in all ways. Please see me through this valley, the lowest of lows. Remind me of Your presence. Please comfort me and help me feel the power of Isaiah 43:2-3.

In Jesus' name alone, amen.

Shared from my prayer journal

Maddox Journal - 2.3

Maddox would have been one month old today. This month without him with us has been the most exhausting of my life. It has been a roller coaster of emotion. Christmas and New Year's were difficult, but this past week has been terrible. I have been at my lowest of lows, begging God to take me home so I can be through this pain and with my son.

I look at the picture of my night stand of Maddox's precious face, his sweet lips, round cheeks. I wonder what the sound of his cry would have been like, how I would have enjoyed nursing him, what it would have been like to dress him or get him ready for outings. Every thought I have to dwell on is hypothetical - other than his kicks and hiccups, the ultrasounds and listening to his heartbeat, there are no real memories of things he did. This grief is an ugly journey. I am trying to remain faithful and to seek God's will and lessons through this trial.

We moved to Delaware today. I wish our little boy was with us. I think he would like it here.

Shared from the Maddox journal I started while I was pregnant

This is serious.

I am not doing well, not at all. I would like to believe I'm doing better than I am. I think most people are convinced that I'm coping well. I met with a grief counselor for lunch last week and she even complimented how well I'm doing. I've had incredible support from friends and my family was really there for me in the first week following Maddox's death. Sometimes I even convince myself that I'm okay, but I know I'm not.

To be completely honest, I would say I'm borderline suicidal. I am that upset. I know it's selfish to want to leave this life, but that is what I want. I want this pain to be over. I don't want to feel the hurt. I don't want to be strong. I want to be in heaven with my son and with Jesus where I don't have to worry or ache anymore.

I don't think I could ever actually commit suicide. One, what would happen if it didn't work? Second, I still have things to do for Maddox here - specifically, his headstone. Third, as much as I don't want to hurt for Maddox, I don't want my friends and family to hurt for me.

But I would be lying if I said I haven't fantasized about how I would do it and what a relief it would be from the pain of this life. I think driving my car into the path of a transfer truck on the interstate. I am sure that would do it. The only other option would be taking all of the medication in our house at once.

I am not going to do these things, but I think about them.

I am ashamed that I feel this way. I know God has plans for me and that is why I am still here, but I have prayed for Him to take me now. I have hysterically cried out and begged for Him to please, please bring me home.

This is the hardest thing I've had to go through and it's further complicated by the fact that tomorrow is my last day living in North Carolina for at least 18 months. I'm going to Delaware with my husband where we will essentially be alone. Moving wasn't as big of a deal to me before because I knew I would have Maddox to keep me busy. Well, that just goes to show how much I know.

My head is killing me.

Another Angel Baby

Things are happening so quickly. I'm tempted at times to say too quickly, but I am thankful for the passing time because it means I'm one day closer to seeing my little boy again.

Precious little Luke passed away Saturday afternoon around 1 pm. He lived eight days on earth with his loving mom, dad and big brother. I feel so blessed to have had an hour and a half to spend with Luke, Donna and Danny on Friday. I got to hold the sweet baby that got Maddox's milk and witness one of God's special miracles. To feel a physical connection with Maddox here on earth was incredible for me and I am thankful for that time. Donna and Danny are a kind, generous couple and I am so glad to have met them.

Baby Luke and me - Friday, January 6th

When Donna and Danny told their son Andrew Saturday afternoon that it was time to say goodbye to Luke because he was passing away Andrew told them he knew already. He said an angel was in the den...he said the angel was Maddox. I have never knowingly witnessed an angel, but I get a warm feeling and want to cry from happiness when I imagine Andrew seeing my angel Maddox welcoming baby Luke into heaven. What a blessing to see!

Donna, Danny and Andrew stopped by yesterday afternoon to bring back the Maddox's milk that Luke didn't need. I'm taking it to my midwife Marcia when I go for my follow-up appointment on Wednesday and she is giving it to a woman in Charlotte. I don't know much about her yet, but I hope to learn more when I see Marica. I am happy Maddox's milk can impact more than one person's life, but I have decided to stop pumping after tomorrow. It's a bittersweet ending, I will miss pumping like I miss being pregnant, but I think it's the right move considering the changes I have going on in my life right now.

I had lunch at Little Tokyo with Laura, Elizabeth and Jimeetre after shopping this morning. It was my last outing with them before my move, but I think Laura and Elizabeth are planning a visit to see us once we get settled in! Our place in Delaware is within walking distance of the train station and we're just two hours from New York City or D.C. and only twenty minutes from Philadelphia. It's a great location with lots to do!

Andrew caught us up on our Bible reading while I packed up some of Maddox's room tonight. I feel good to have worked on it a little more. It hurts and it seems unfair and and it just plain sucks, but packing up his things helps me cope some. I miss him.

Baby Luke is Very Sick

I had a bit of a breakdown last night. I think it was brought on more by stress than anything else. A lot of things got to me all at once and the result was pretty ugly. I felt awful, I wanted to give up, I asked for God to end this, I felt alone, I didn’t know what to do. It was late and hard on Andrew as he tried to help me work through it. I can tell sometimes that I am too much for him to handle, but thank God he tries. It’s always most important for me to feel loved and supported by him, so when he has bad day or is impatient it is harder for me to get through a rough patch. I texted Meghan for support and her words helped. Andrew cuddled me until I fell asleep and I thankfully made it through the night.

We have had a lot going on that I haven’t written about because every time I sit down to write Maddox is all that comes to mind.

Sweet baby Luke who was born last Friday has been very sick. You can click here to view his CaringBridge page. My heart sank on Tuesday when I got an email from Donna (his adoptive mom) saying that “Luke will be joining little Maddox soon.” When Luke was first born, he had blood sugar issues and soon it was discovered that he has a congenital heart defect called coarctation of the aorta. After a brain scan they learned that his brain did not develop properly in utero and he has major brain damage. Thankfully, Luke was able to go home with his family Wednesday under Hospice care and Donna, Danny and big brother Andrew have been spending every precious moment with him.

Donna is such a sweet lady and she has texted me private updates every day. On Wednesday, she said Luke had been getting Maddox’s milk through the NG tube every three hours. She said he seemed to be enjoying it because he would get calmer after his feedings. She said Maddox’s milk “is a real blessing to us and him right now.” Yesterday, she said that Maddox’s milk is much easier for him to digest than formula would have been and, of course, is helping to protect him against infection, which formula couldn’t do. I guess the hospital/Hospice tried to feed him formula, but Donna said he just spit it up. Maddox’s milk is the only nutrition he’s taking and he’s gained half a pound! She said she feels “comforted that we have this ‘link’ to Maddox” and I feel the same way. I imagine that when Luke’s time on earth is over, whether that’s today or weeks from now (they have no idea), he and Maddox will be great friends in heaven while they wait for us to join them.

I am riding to work with Andrew this morning so that I can spend the day with Leslie, the girls, Laura, Courtney and Elizabeth. I had offered to Donna to bring this week’s batch of Maddox’s milk to her since I will be in Greensboro and she asked me if I want to meet Luke. I am so happy she offered some of her precious time with him to me. I wanted to meet him so badly, but I didn’t want to ask because I know their time together is limited. I feel honored that I get to spend a little time with him and I’m very excited feel a physical connection on earth to Maddox. I’ve been so excited about meeting him that I can hardly stand it. Side note: Donna bought me this beautiful Motherhood charm from James Avery. She has one just like it. It was so nice of her, completely unnecessary and a gift I will cherish for the rest of my life.

My heart breaks for Donna, Danny and Andrew, but their faith is strong. They shared this touching poem on Luke’s CaringBridge page and it reminds me too of Maddox.

God Sent To Me An Angel

God sent to me an angel. It had a broken wing.
I bent my head and wondered "How could God do such a thing?"
When I asked the Father why he sent this child to me,
the answer was forthcoming, He said "Listen and you'll see."
"My children are all precious, and none is like the rest.
Each one to me is special, and the least is as the best.
I send each one from Heaven and I place it in the care
Of those who know my mercy, those with love to spare.
Sometimes I take them back again. Sometimes I let them stay.
No matter what may happen I am never far away.
So if you have an angel and you don't know what to do,
Remember, I am with you, love is all I ask of you.
I am finished pumping now and it’s time for me to get ready. Andrew and I are driving to Delaware tonight and house hunting tomorrow. Please pray that God leads us to the perfect place for us to call home for the next 18 months. Above all, we want to follow His will and we are praying that He makes His way clear. If all goes well, we plan to move to Delaware next Friday. Our limited time in North Carolina is going by too quickly, but I am trying my best not to be anxious and to lean on Him for comfort.

This Grief is a Disease

Oh, I miss my little boy. I miss him so bad it hurts. It’s an indescribable hurt – it’s not unbearable, but it is a feeling you can’t explain. You have to have felt it yourself to know what it’s like, and oh, how I wish that no one else would ever have to feel this ache again.

Who knew stillbirths were so common? Why don’t people talk about it? Statistics range from 1 in every 115 to 1 in every 160 births resulting in stillbirth, between 25,000 and 28,000 babies a year. THAT MANY BABIES! And people don’t talk about it?! Well, I’m going to talk about it.

I am a mother of a stillborn baby. His name was Maddox. He was mine. He was loved. He was wanted. He had a mommy and a daddy, two dogs and a home. He had a nanny, a pop-pop, a big momma and a glammy who loved him. He had a nursery filled with clothes and toys and gifts from family and friends who couldn’t wait to watch him grow.

Now though, he is in heaven. “Not everybody gets a baby in heaven” – that brings some comfort. It makes me long for heaven, gives a joyful anticipation for the day I get to be reunited with my son. Another comfort can be found in Psalm 139:13-16. God formed ANDREW in his mother’s womb, ME in my mother’s womb, MADDOX in my womb. We were not hidden from Him and in His book all the days of our lives were written. God’s ways are sovereign. He brought us together and He allowed us to be separated now. He has a purpose for this. There is a reason. I don’t know what it is, but God does. I will remain faithful because God’s love is steadfast and He does not change.

This grief feels like a disease. It’s an incurable disease and it’s happened to me. There’s treatment, the symptoms can be relieved, but there is no cure. I will suffer the effects of this infirmity from now until the day I die. There will be good days and bad days, but I will never be whole on this side of heaven. I will need help dealing with the effects of this illness – from God most of all, from my husband and from my dearest family and friends. Though I will feel equally a burden and burdened at times and despite the devastating effects of my illness, I will know that I am blessed.

"I will walk by faith even when I cannot see, because this broken road prepares Your will for me."

Those words have never had more meaning for me than now.

Prayer Journal - 2

Dear Father,

My heart is broken.

Please tell Maddox how much I love him and miss him.

I need you to get me through this.

I am begging you.

In Jesus' name alone, amen.

Shared from my prayer journal