Let the Waters Rise

I am so confused. I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me. I can't explain how lost I feel, but without a real care to be "found". So much of my life these past five weeks has been going through the motions, taking the necessary steps to get form point A to point B. I don't know that I've really taken anything in. I had the most clarity during my labor and my time with Maddox at the hospital, then again for his visitation, memorial service and burial. Other than that, I just don't know. I have been doing what needs to be done, running errands that need to be run, packing and unpacking boxes that need it, showering, eating when encouraged and trying to remember my blood pressure meds and, since last Wednesday, birth control. I don't know if I feel more lost now that I'm not pumping anymore or if that has any real effect. I know that I told God today that it'd be just fine with me if He decided that my plane should crash (oh, I am currently in Texas visiting my mom) and I really felt that way. I fell asleep at one point and was disappointed to wake up and realize we were still in the air. Those thoughts are disturbing, that I have them and that hours later I can look back, remember them and think still that I feel that way. I suppose that's a normal part of the grieving process, but I don't really know. I don't want to harm myself and I know I am not really suicidal. I guess you could say that I'm more apathetic over living versus dying. Before losing Maddox I didn't ever really want to die. I knew I'd go to heaven if I did, so I was okay knowing that I could die and at least I'd go to heaven. Now I feel like I would welcome death with open arms - hallelujah, it's come! These kinds of thoughts make me think I should reach out to a professional for some kind of medication. Really though, I think connecting with a grief group, which I'm in the process of doing, will be more helpful than that. That and leaning more on God. Nothing is going to "fix" my hurt and I worry that I could become addicted or be more inclined to do something dumb, like intentionally overdose, if I was on medication. It's probably just best for me to try working this out with the help of genuine Christian friends who have been through this already and have survived it with their faith in and love for God in tact. I have a war raging inside of me. Anyone heard of "Let the Waters Rise" by Mikeschair? That's how I feel.