Baby Luke is Very Sick

I had a bit of a breakdown last night. I think it was brought on more by stress than anything else. A lot of things got to me all at once and the result was pretty ugly. I felt awful, I wanted to give up, I asked for God to end this, I felt alone, I didn’t know what to do. It was late and hard on Andrew as he tried to help me work through it. I can tell sometimes that I am too much for him to handle, but thank God he tries. It’s always most important for me to feel loved and supported by him, so when he has bad day or is impatient it is harder for me to get through a rough patch. I texted Meghan for support and her words helped. Andrew cuddled me until I fell asleep and I thankfully made it through the night.

We have had a lot going on that I haven’t written about because every time I sit down to write Maddox is all that comes to mind.

Sweet baby Luke who was born last Friday has been very sick. You can click here to view his CaringBridge page. My heart sank on Tuesday when I got an email from Donna (his adoptive mom) saying that “Luke will be joining little Maddox soon.” When Luke was first born, he had blood sugar issues and soon it was discovered that he has a congenital heart defect called coarctation of the aorta. After a brain scan they learned that his brain did not develop properly in utero and he has major brain damage. Thankfully, Luke was able to go home with his family Wednesday under Hospice care and Donna, Danny and big brother Andrew have been spending every precious moment with him.

Donna is such a sweet lady and she has texted me private updates every day. On Wednesday, she said Luke had been getting Maddox’s milk through the NG tube every three hours. She said he seemed to be enjoying it because he would get calmer after his feedings. She said Maddox’s milk “is a real blessing to us and him right now.” Yesterday, she said that Maddox’s milk is much easier for him to digest than formula would have been and, of course, is helping to protect him against infection, which formula couldn’t do. I guess the hospital/Hospice tried to feed him formula, but Donna said he just spit it up. Maddox’s milk is the only nutrition he’s taking and he’s gained half a pound! She said she feels “comforted that we have this ‘link’ to Maddox” and I feel the same way. I imagine that when Luke’s time on earth is over, whether that’s today or weeks from now (they have no idea), he and Maddox will be great friends in heaven while they wait for us to join them.

I am riding to work with Andrew this morning so that I can spend the day with Leslie, the girls, Laura, Courtney and Elizabeth. I had offered to Donna to bring this week’s batch of Maddox’s milk to her since I will be in Greensboro and she asked me if I want to meet Luke. I am so happy she offered some of her precious time with him to me. I wanted to meet him so badly, but I didn’t want to ask because I know their time together is limited. I feel honored that I get to spend a little time with him and I’m very excited feel a physical connection on earth to Maddox. I’ve been so excited about meeting him that I can hardly stand it. Side note: Donna bought me this beautiful Motherhood charm from James Avery. She has one just like it. It was so nice of her, completely unnecessary and a gift I will cherish for the rest of my life.

My heart breaks for Donna, Danny and Andrew, but their faith is strong. They shared this touching poem on Luke’s CaringBridge page and it reminds me too of Maddox.

God Sent To Me An Angel

God sent to me an angel. It had a broken wing.
I bent my head and wondered "How could God do such a thing?"
When I asked the Father why he sent this child to me,
the answer was forthcoming, He said "Listen and you'll see."
"My children are all precious, and none is like the rest.
Each one to me is special, and the least is as the best.
I send each one from Heaven and I place it in the care
Of those who know my mercy, those with love to spare.
Sometimes I take them back again. Sometimes I let them stay.
No matter what may happen I am never far away.
So if you have an angel and you don't know what to do,
Remember, I am with you, love is all I ask of you.
I am finished pumping now and it’s time for me to get ready. Andrew and I are driving to Delaware tonight and house hunting tomorrow. Please pray that God leads us to the perfect place for us to call home for the next 18 months. Above all, we want to follow His will and we are praying that He makes His way clear. If all goes well, we plan to move to Delaware next Friday. Our limited time in North Carolina is going by too quickly, but I am trying my best not to be anxious and to lean on Him for comfort.