This is serious.

I am not doing well, not at all. I would like to believe I'm doing better than I am. I think most people are convinced that I'm coping well. I met with a grief counselor for lunch last week and she even complimented how well I'm doing. I've had incredible support from friends and my family was really there for me in the first week following Maddox's death. Sometimes I even convince myself that I'm okay, but I know I'm not.

To be completely honest, I would say I'm borderline suicidal. I am that upset. I know it's selfish to want to leave this life, but that is what I want. I want this pain to be over. I don't want to feel the hurt. I don't want to be strong. I want to be in heaven with my son and with Jesus where I don't have to worry or ache anymore.

I don't think I could ever actually commit suicide. One, what would happen if it didn't work? Second, I still have things to do for Maddox here - specifically, his headstone. Third, as much as I don't want to hurt for Maddox, I don't want my friends and family to hurt for me.

But I would be lying if I said I haven't fantasized about how I would do it and what a relief it would be from the pain of this life. I think driving my car into the path of a transfer truck on the interstate. I am sure that would do it. The only other option would be taking all of the medication in our house at once.

I am not going to do these things, but I think about them.

I am ashamed that I feel this way. I know God has plans for me and that is why I am still here, but I have prayed for Him to take me now. I have hysterically cried out and begged for Him to please, please bring me home.

This is the hardest thing I've had to go through and it's further complicated by the fact that tomorrow is my last day living in North Carolina for at least 18 months. I'm going to Delaware with my husband where we will essentially be alone. Moving wasn't as big of a deal to me before because I knew I would have Maddox to keep me busy. Well, that just goes to show how much I know.

My head is killing me.