First Birthday & A New Year

Dear Maddox,

Even though you couldn't be with us, we still celebrated you on what would have been your first birthday on the 13th. Nanny, Pop-pop and Uncle JT sent you light blue balloon and a homemade birthday card that had Batman stickers all over its envelope! Aunt Meghan and Uncle Sam sent you a card all the way from their new home in Alaska! They couldn't have picked a cooler card for you - it has Batman, Superman, Flash and Green Lantern on it! Here's the front of your card:

Birthday Card from Aunt & Uncle Curtis

On your birthday, Nanny, Pop-pop, Glammy and Uncle JT went to visit you in Gold Hill. They brought you your own birthday cake and balloon to celebrate! They even brought you a Santa Claus, Christmas tree and sock monkey, and Glammy brought a picture of you and her together on the morning you were born.

Happy 1st Birthday, Maddox!

 

Mommy and Daddy wanted to visit you in Gold Hill on your birthday too, but we're still living in Delaware. It was hard not being able to be close to you on your special day. We did our best to celebrate and remember you here. We took off work so we could be together. We slept in and when we woke up, the first thing I did was cry for you while Daddy held me close. He's such a good daddy, Maddox. He loves you and me very much. To make the day special, we booked a couples massage and went to dinner at The Melting Pot. It wasn't the typical party for a 1-year-old, but sharing the day together on your special day meant a lot to both of us. You give us so much to celebrate!

For your birthday, Aunt Meghan sent me a very special gift. As soon as I opened it, I knew it was perfect. All year she had been writing to you... just like Mommy! She put her letters to you (and some to me) in a beautiful photo book using photos she'd taken in Gold Hill. 

Aunt Meghan's Dear Maddox book is amazing. It is filled with so many personal touches and so much heart - I can't begin to describe how lovely it is. I read it cover to cover the moment I got it, and I cried for you. I sobbed for you (poor Scooter and Thermometer didn't know what was wrong!). And I thanked God for you and the unbelievable friend I have in Meghan.

As soon as we lost you, Meghan told me she would carry this burden with me, that I would never be alone. She told me, in the words of Martina McBride, she was gonna love me through it. She sure has. I can't even write any of this without crying. From the minute I called her with the news that you had gone on to heaven to this minute now, Meghan has carried the grief of losing you with me, and I have never felt alone, not for one second.

I've got pause right here to tell you baby, you are so loved. Not just by your Momma and Daddy, but by your Aunt Meghan and Uncle Sam, your Nanny and Pop-pop, Glammy, Opa, all of your aunts and uncles and the friends you still have here. You are loved!

The week after your birthday, while we were home for Christmas, we got to go visit you in Gold Hill. Your Great-Momaw Girley, Great-Popaw Lindsey and Great-Aunt Stacey came, too! It was a wonderful visit, and I'm so glad we all got to go see you together.

Great-Popaw Lindsey & Great-Momaw Girley
They brought you a pretty Christmas tree!

Daddy, Mommy, Great-Momaw Girley, Great-Popaw Lindsey,

Great-Aunt Stacey, Wade & Pop-pop (Nanny was taking the

picture!) came for a big visit the week of Christmas!

And here we are, winding down 2012...

I remember so clearly December 14, 2011, the morning I woke up and realized it was no longer your birth day. Then came January 1, 2012, and it was no longer your birth year. As December 2012 comes to an end, all of what would have been your firsts have passed, and soon it won't be last December that we lost you, but the December before last. And the time will continue to pass by as it has since the beginning of time, before you or Mommy or Daddy were ever born, although God had written all of our days in His book by then.

Some days drag on while we wait to meet up with you in heaven. Other days fly by. King David says in Psalm 144:4 that, "Man is like a breath; his days are like a passing shadow." When I think of our time on earth being like a breath or a passing shadow, that quick, I wonder if you wonder what all our fuss is about down here. For all I know, for you the time we've spent apart so far has passed as quickly as a few seconds, less time than it's taken me to form this sentence and type it out. Even a few seconds seems too long a time for us to be separated.

Mommy and Daddy miss you so much, Mad. We talk about you every day. It's still so strange to us that you're not growing up with us. We're hopeful that one day soon, maybe in 2013, your baby brother or sister will join us. Even though no one will replace you - ever - we look forward to seeing bits of what you would be like in him or her. We know you'll be a great big brother!

I love you, Maddox!

Mommy

The Last Day

A year ago today was the last day my heart was whole.

A year ago today was Sunday, and like so many Sundays before our move to Delaware, our good friends Molly and Lee came over for breakfast and the live stream of our church's worship service (aka Hickory Grove - Salisbury Campus). We had French toast, bacon and fruit, like always, and watched the sermon and chatted about the excitement of the "any day now" arrival of our little boy. That evening, Andrew and I watched Miracle on 34th Street, and I sat in our living room floor with my huge prego gut and finished the last of our gift wrapping for Christmas.

A year ago tomorrow, I woke up to signs that it's-really-happening labor would begin soon. My husband and I rode to work together for what I was sure would be my last day at work before meeting my baby boy. It wasn't until that afternoon at our 39-week prenatal appointment that Andrew and I would hear the most devastating news of our lives.

I can't find the heartbeat. (Read: We Lost Maddox)

A year ago tomorrow, a part of my heart left for heaven for Maddox to keep with him. God has held me in His arms, Andrew has walked beside me, and our faithful friends and family encouraged us to keep going as we've survived our first year of grief. I am overwhelmed when I think of how I have been carried through this year with the truly awesome support from my Savior Jesus Christ, my soulmate and better friends and family than I could have asked for. God's presence has been real in my life, His sovereignty beyond sufficient. I am amazed that I've made it this far, but I know He has plans for me.

My heart will not be whole again on this side of heaven, and I can live with that. Besides salvation and my husband, Maddox is the greatest gift God has ever given me, and I wouldn't trade my time with him to spare myself this grief. I love him very much and I miss him every day, and I am so thankful to be his mommy.

Divine Appointments

Maddox’s would-be first birthday is only a week away. I’m having a hard time missing him tonight, so I'm here to share.

I believe in God’s sovereignty, that He is all-knowing and that He is all-powerful. I believe that God wrote all of my days and every moment in them in His book before the beginning of time (Psalm 139:16). I cling to these beliefs and they have helped see me through this trying year. Because I believe in God’s omniscience (His infinite knowledge) and omnipresence (that He is everywhere all at once), I don’t believe in coincidence. I believe He is in every moment. God is with me now and has walked before me to meet me in my future, no matter what tomorrow brings. All that said, I do believe in divine appointments, and I’d like to share three one of them from the past couple of weeks (I ran out of time to share the other two tonight).

Last Monday (or the Monday before?) at work, I had to reach out to a service provider for the company I work for to get assistance installing software on my computer. It’s Monday morning, right? To give you an idea of my mood at the time, let’s put it this way: I’m sad the weekend’s over, I’m busy ‘cause it’s Monday and the last thing I want to do is spend an hour on the phone talking to an IT person about getting this software to work. God sure showed me. By chance, the person who was supposed to help me wasn’t available and had one of her colleagues call me instead – and he was the nicest guy! We made small talk while we worked through the software problem I was having.

When you find out that someone’s around your age and married like you, the follow-up question is always, “Do you have any kids?” Always. Guaranteed. 100% of the time!

Something I committed to in the earliest days after giving birth to Maddox is sharing him with every opportunity I get. I quickly realized how common stillbirth is, but that so few people were open about their losses. Andrew and I agreed that we would recognize Maddox as one of our children for as long as we live. When people ask us if we have kids we say that our son Maddox is in heaven. When we have more children someday and we’re asked how many kids we have, our answer won’t only include our living children; we’ll always have +1, Maddox in heaven.

And that’s always a perfect segue to talking about God and how even through the unimaginable nightmare of losing a child, He is worthy of our praise!

That Monday morning, God took a phone call that I didn’t want to have and turned it into one of the best conversations I’ve had about Him and Maddox in months. I love to share Maddox with new people, even when it’s hard sometimes, and Shane was genuinely interested in hearing about him, learning how to respond to others who have lost a child through miscarriage or stillbirth, and – the best part – praising God for the divine appointment He’d orchestrated thousands of years ago. Talk about a good Monday!

My conversation with Shane and sharing this now reminds me of a blog post my greatest friend, Meghan, shared with me a couple weeks after Maddox was born. I dug through my email tonight to find the link – The Nonconformist Mom. At that time, it was too hard for me to read most of Jennifer’s posts about her dear friend’s loss (and subsequent loss), but one thing I did have the strength to read has stuck with me all year.

In a post titled “God’s Grace in Zion”, Jennifer says:

Think, had Zion [her friend’s stillborn son] lived here on earth, the most that would have happened is that people would bring over buckets of KFC for a week…maybe buy a pack of diapers. Things would go on as normal.

But now…people are praying. All over the world…as far away as Israel and maybe further…people are searching. People are begging for peace and mercy. God is being praised. God is being glorified. Faith is being increased. It’s a beautiful thing.

A beautiful thing indeed! It would have been a lot of fun to be able to answer Shane’s question by telling him about our 11-month-old boy who gets into everything and leaves me exhausted. But Jennifer is right when she says about Zion earlier in the same post, "Without opening his eyes, he preaches. Without speaking a word, he testifies to the grace and sovereignty of God." The same is true of Maddox. His life and death has caused prayers to be prayed and God to be praised. All year people have prayed. All year people have praised Him. From the moment we learned that Maddox had gone on to heaven to this very second, his life and our shared story has pointed straight to God. I’m humbled that God would use Andrew, Maddox and me in this way.

I would never ask for this. In fact, I have asked God to take this cup from me a hundred times. I wish Maddox was here every second of every day, but praise God for the life that Maddox had and praise God for this journey that has brought us closer to Him!

Thank you, Lord, for our little boy and that the first time he opened his eyes it was Jesus' face he saw.

This is still hard.

Dear Maddox,

It's been a while since I've sat down to write about how much I miss you, but you know that I have thought of you every moment of every day since then. This is still hard, living life without you with us. For a few weeks in late summer, I started to feel normal again. I even stopped taking my antidepressants last month. But the hard days still come, the days I want to do nothing but lay in bed while Daddy holds me and I cry for you and what we're missing. I still can't believe you're not with us. How can it be true?

You would be 11 months old now. I don't even know what an 11-month-old baby does. One of the babies from Sunday school who would be your friend is already saying "mama". Another baby you might know is walking already. What would you look like now? What would your words sound like? Would you cling more to Mommy or to Daddy? Or would you be independent and nosy and getting into whatever you could get your hands on?

My grief for you is getting hard again as we get into the holidays. Halloween has passed. What would you have dressed up as? As what would be your first Thanksgiving approaches, I can't help but imagine what it would be like with you with us at Nanny and Pop-pop's table. (Nanny just texted me to ask if we have any special food requests while we're visiting... I said rice krispie treats. What would be your favorite?) One of my favorite pictures of my pregnancy with you was taken with Pop-pop last Thanksgiving. I'm so sad that you won't be with us this year.

Maddox, Mommy + Pop-pop
Thanksgiving 2011

And what would be your first birthday is just a few weeks away. How would we celebrate together? Mommy has asked Daddy to take off work for your birthday and go somewhere special with her to remember you. We don't know where we'll go yet, and even though we'll enjoy some time together, nothing can compare to how fun life would be if you were still with us.

Maddox, Mommy and Daddy miss you so much. The tears are streaming down my face as I write this. There is so much love in my heart for you that it hurts that I can give it to you. Instead it just aches.

I've had a hard time missing you lately, not that it's ever been easy. I decided, to help me cope, to memorize Isaiah 43:2. It's been a couple of weeks and I still don't get it right every time, but the verse is so special to me. I can't even explain it to anyone without choking on the words. At your funeral, your friend Ethan sang a song he'd written in memory of his grandmother based on Isaiah 43:2. The verse is a promise made by the Lord to always walk with His followers, and I cling to it with all my strength when I am feeling weak.

"When you pass through the waters,

I will be with you; and through the rivers,

they shall not overwhelm you; when you

walk through fire, you shall not be burned,

and the flame shall not consume you."

Image credit: The Spirit Orchard

Isn't that amazing, baby? Even when I feel my worst, God hasn't left my side. He is with me, and He's with you, too. I'm sure He's told you something about this truth since you've been with Him in heaven. What makes this special verse even better is what surrounds it. Just before it, God says, "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine" (Isaiah 43:1b). And just after it, He says, "For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior" (Isaiah 43:3a). I am almost overwhelmed by the magnitude of those verses. God is with me and He has called me and I am His. He is the Lord my God, the Holy One of Israel, my Savior. I will not be burned! I will not be consumed!

Maddox, still some days Mommy doesn't know how she's going to make it through losing you. I love you so much and miss you every day. But I know you are with God in heaven. Psalm 139:16 tells us both that God saw us when we were in our mothers wombs and that even before then, our days were written in His book. God has known since before the beginning that I would be born and that I would lose you, He even knew the exact day it would happen. He knew when you would be conceived and the life you would have in my womb, and He knew that your life's purpose would be accomplished without you taking a single breath on this earth. I think it's pretty amazing that you did that, even if I don't understand why it had to happen that way and even though I wish every day that you were with me. 

Either He is God or He isn't. Everything I've experienced tells me that He is, and I will continue to live my life believing it is so.

I keep having dreams that I'm pregnant with your baby brother or sister. Last night, the baby was moving around so much, and I loved every second of it. Maddox, your movements were my favorite thing about being pregnant with you. Your kicks, your rolls, your hiccups. No baby will ever replace you, but I do look forward to having another baby someday, and I can't wait to tell him or her about you, too!

I love you, Maddy Waddy Mad Max Maddox. I always will.

Love, Mommy

"Our First Pregnancy" Photo Book

I'm happy to announce that the Shutterfly photo book I started during my pregnancy with Maddox is finally complete! I spent many hours during my pregnancy tweaking each page to perfection (no easy task considering my Type A personality!). It was emotionally difficult for me to revist this project after losing Maddox. The story of our first pregnancy didn't have the happy ending we imagined it would, but my heart is filled to be able to share the wonderful memories we made with Maddox.

"This is not where we planned to be

when we started this journey,

but this is how it is, and our God is in control."

-Stephen Curtis Chapman

Click here to view this photo book larger 
Start your own Shutterfly Photo Book today.

Nine Months

Dear Maddox,

Here we are, baby, nine months later. I can't believe you've been gone now for as long as you were with us. Mommy and Daddy miss you so much, more than words can say. We talk about you every day. Daddy is convinced that you would have gone pro in soccer and tennis by now and that you would soon be joining a ninja monastery. Sometimes I tell him that God called you home early to spare you from Daddy's teasing. He knows I'm kidding. Your daddy is a lot of fun and you two would be the best of friends. He loves you very much and is so proud of you. He has done a great job taking care of me since we lost you, too. I can't imagine doing this without him.

Mommy has been very depressed the past couple of months. I started seeing a new counselor, Pam, two weeks ago, and she is already helping me. It makes me happy to share you with someone new. I love every chance I get to talk about you, to speak your name out loud to someone other than Daddy or your sweet Aunt Meghan. Pam reminded me this week that my faith in God will continue to sustain me through losing you. I know it's true, but just like saying your name out loud, it's nice to hear God's truth from someone's mouth other than my own. I know He is taking the very best care of you, and I thank Him for the love He's shown our family. Maddox, as much as Daddy and I love you, God loves you more. My love for you is so big that it's hard to imagine a greater one, but I know God's is bigger.

Little Man, I sure miss you. I wish I could scoop you up and snuggle your sweet face next to mine this very minute. I wish I could hear your laughing and babbling and pitter-pattering. Daddy and I can't wait to see you again. There isn't a second that goes by that you're not on our minds and not a single day we don't pray for you and thank God for you. I stand by the words I said to Daddy while holding your little body in the hours after your birth, I would do it all over again even if the outcome was the same. You are a precious gift to me, Maddox, and to Daddy.

We love you, and we'll see you soon.

Love,
Mommy

Maddox # 13

While Andrew and I were in line at Chick-Fil-A last night, we were behind a young girl wearing a sports jersey. Her name and number made me smile. It was one of those moments that makes me think it was God or Maddox letting us know he’s well and that, even though he’s not physically here, he’ll always be a part of us. I am still trying to figure out what I believe about the kind of communication God allows between our love ones up in heaven and us down here on earth. I spoke with the girl and her dad. I didn’t go into detail about him not making it, but I told them our son’s name is Maddox and that he was born on December 13th. They were very nice and thought it was neat, because their last name is Maddox. I miss our little man, and I like these special reminders of him.

The dreams haunt you.

One of the awful things about losing Maddox, other than the obvious, is that I have terrible, haunting dreams now. For as long as I can remember, I have dreamed every night, in color, and often my dreams are bizarre. Add grief to that and I have a lot of messed up dreams. They're dreams that stay with me all day, dreams I can't stop thinking about.

Last night, I dreamed that Andrew and I were pregnant with another boy. We were at the hospital because I was in labor, and when it was just the two of us in the room, it came time for the baby to come. I can't tell you how real the anticipation from my dream felt, how excited we were at another chance to be parents. With Andrew by my side, I gave birth to our second baby boy and to our horror, he wasn't breathing. I laid the baby down on the bed and tried to revive him while Andrew ran to find a doctor or nurse to help us. I begged and begged the baby to please, please wake up, to please breathe... please not again. Of course, my attempts were in vain.

These dreams are awful.

In the weeks immediately after losing Maddox, I dreamed about him several times. It's one of the reasons I avoided sleep at all costs. In all of my dreams, he was either stillborn or he was born alive but I knew he was going to die. In one dream, we were still at the hospital and a nurse was changing his clothes. When she handed him back to me, he was awake. I looked at the nurse and said to her, "Thank you. My baby was born dead, but now he is alive."

It's heartbreaking to live and relive our loss in my dreams. Frankly, it's exhausting.

Before bed last night, I prayed that God would give me a glimpse of how Maddox is doing, if that's even allowed. Instead, I dreamed I gave birth to another stillborn baby. I'm not upset with God though; I think it's Satan trying to kick me while I'm vulnerable and down. He's using my pain and my anxieties to hit me where it hurts.

But Satan can't win - not now, not ever.

It's a...

One year ago today was one of the happiest days of our lives. Andrew and I hosted a gender reveal party at our then-home to share the excitement of finding out our baby's gender with our closest family and friends. There was such joyful anticipation on that day, and then the moment came to open the envelope and find out whether our baby was Brooklyn Kelly or Maddox Wilhelm Prime. 

I love Andrew's reaction so much. I'm sure at that moment he was the proudest daddy on the face of the planet! Thank you to my sister-in-law, Tabitha, for catching this on video. I'm so happy that this is a moment we can live over and over again.

I miss Maddox today and every day. The tears are welling up in my eyes as I write this. Whoever came up with saying "Out of sight, out of mind" obviously never lost a child. My boy is on my mind all the time.

I will say though, that my days have gotten better since Maddox's headstone was installed last month. We have done everything possible to take care of our little man, and having his beautiful stone set in place brought me a great sense of closure. I still get sad and depressed, I still cry for him, I still selfishly want him on earth with me instead of in heaven with God. But I do feel that "peace that passes all understanding" (Philippians 4:7). Let's be real, who in their right mind would hear a mother whose baby has died tell you that she's okay without thinking she's heartless or insane? But I am okay, and I'm not heartless or insane. I have put my faith in the Lord, and "I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content" (verse 11) because "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" (verse 13).

God is with me. He is faithful. I trust in Him.  ♥

Miss You

Dear Kid,

I miss you today, and all the other days, too.

Love,

Mom

Six Months... Already?

Maddox would have been six months old today. Perhaps the most surprising feeling I've had today is that, as terribly awful as this has been so far, it's okay that he's not with us.

As much as Andrew and I want our baby boy with us, we trust in God's plan and His sovereignty. We believe that good has come from our loss, that good will continue to come from it as we share our story with others, and that it is but a small piece of God's universe-sized puzzle. Our time on earth is limited,  and the joys and greatness of eternity in heaven will effortlessly wipe away the pain we've had to endure during this life.

God has provided for us every step of the way, from the moment we realized we would never again hear Maddox's heartbeat on this side of heaven to this moment tonight, where Andrew, our doggies and I are relaxing together in the living room after a walk to Rita's Italian Ice for some custard in a waffle cone. It's hard to imagine what we would be doing to celebrate Maddox's six-month "birthday", but this is our new normal. This is life for us at this point, enjoying each other's company, remembering our baby boy and looking forward to seeing him again in heaven.

Last week, Andrew and I drove home to North Carolina to see my youngest brother, JT, graduate from high school (with honors!). We had a wonderful visit, which included the highlight of having Maddox's headstone installed. It was installed on Thursday, June 7th. Andrew and I designed it together, and it was our goal (okay, it was my goal) to have it completed before our wedding anniversary. Mission accomplished: We're celebrating four years this coming Tuesday. We're probably a bit biased, but we think Maddox's headstone is absolutely perfect!

Maddox's photo and his actual hand and footprints
are etched into his stone!

The inscription says:

Maddox Wilhelm Prime
Schulze

Our Little MVP

Born into heaven
December 13, 2011

Precious "sonshine" of
Andrew Wilhelm and
Amanda Brooke Lowe Schulze

We love you very much, and we'll see you soon.

The back says:


"And Job said,'Naked I came frommy mother's womb,and naked I shall return.The Lord gave, andthe Lord has taken away;blessed be thename of the Lord.'"Job 1:21

I'm one proud mama!

We left him some flowers before heading
back to Delaware Sunday morning.

I feel at peace knowing that Maddox's stone is in place. I anticipated feeling upset knowing that I no longer have any way to take care of him. In reality, as I shared with Meghan today, I feel accomplished and satisfied knowing that at every step of the way, from the moment I found out I was pregnant until the installation of his headstone, I cared for Maddox and gave him the very best I could. I love him with my whole heart and more, and I can't wait to see him again real soon.

P.S. I will be out of the country (in AFRICA!) for business from June 18th through July 3rd. Please don't worry or be surprised if you don't see any updates from me until I return. Prayers for Andrew and me during our time apart would be greatly appreciated; it will be our first time apart since we lost Maddox.

Chasing a Dream

Very strongly recently, I have felt God pulling on my heart. He is gentle, but His persistence cannot be mistaken. He has been showing me that I am chasing a dream, and it needs to stop.

For the past several weeks, the desire to have another baby has been an almost constant presence in my heart and mind. Not surprisingly, this has caused me to feel anxious and to want to take control of my life. I have talked with Andrew about wanting another baby now; it is a blessing to be able to share my desires with him. We agree that now is not the time, we are going to wait a while yet, and I am okay with that.

I can accept that we are waiting to try to have our second child, so I get to dreaming instead. When I get to dreaming, Satan snatches up the opportunity and gets to scheming. He starts throwing those terrible what-ifs at me: What if we have another stillborn baby? What if I have a miscarriage? What if I can't get pregnant at all? What if I never get to fill the hole in my heart with a baby I get to love and mother on earth? Satan hits me with these things, and then I start thinking that Andrew and I better just try to have another baby right this instant so that we can deal with those what-if problems now... just in case they arise.

Silly me, trying to control things again. You would think that after last year, the year God made it clear to me that HE is in control and I am NOT, you would think that I would have learned my lesson. I haven't learned it quite yet, but I am certainly working on it. I am searching, I am seeking... and I am reading.

At the recommendation of a new friend, I have spent the last week reading an incredible book called Hind's Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard. It is a beautiful picture of the Christian life, of a Christian's decision to place her life in God's hands again and again, despite her life's sorrow and suffering. I highly recommend it; I am looking forward to reading it again, and taking notes next time!

Another book that has been helpful is Empty Promises by Pete Wilson. I was attracted to it because of its subtitle: The Truth About You, Your Desires, and the Lies You're Believing. I'll be honest, the majority of the book has not applied to me, but chapter nine called "Chasing a Dream" hit the nail on the head. I want to share an excerpt from pages 152-153 to show you what I mean (emphasis added is my own):

"I realize you may be facing heavy discouragement or deep heartache because you hold tightly in your hands a very detailed picture of the way you hoped your life would turn out. When you compare that picture with reality, the differences are obvious.

But I firmly believe that if you are willing to trust the God who says, 'I will,' [Genesis 12] nothing that is of eternal value in this life is at risk. You ultimately have nothing to fear.

Fear enters our minds and begins to take over when we cling too tightly to those pictures of what we think our futures should look like, elevating them to idolatry status and diminishing the Artist of those very pictures.

It's those unexpected shattered-dream moments that provide us with twists and turns in life where we meet God. Rarely do we surrender when we feel strong and in control. But when a dream is shattered, when life takes an unexpected turn and veers out of control, that's when we fall to our knees. That's when a new dream can grow.

There's a lot about what happens to us life that we cannot control. What we can control, however, is our willingness to seek God in the midst of all the craziness. Surrendering doesn't mean we spend less energy on pursing our dreams, but it does mean we spend less nervous energy. It means we see our dreams for what they are - possibilities and promises and goals, not sources of our peace and security. It means our confidence is no longer in our ability to achieve each one of our dreams, but in the strength and power of the God we claim to follow.

How do you get there? All it takes is a moment where, like Abraham, you relinquish your grip on your picture of the future and say, 'Jesus, I want to trust you with that. Even if it means risking all the stuff I think is valuable, all the good things I'm waiting for, I'm still going to trust you.'

And maybe even this moment, God is showing you something in your life that you know you need to let go of - or at least hold with open hands. It may be something good. It may even be something from him. But it's something you've been trusting to give you what only God can provide.

Often we're unaware that we even have an idol until our dreams get threatened. This is a fundamental truth about idolatry: prosperity tends to mask our idols; crisis tends to reveal them.

As long as things are going well in my life, as long as my picture of the way I want life to turn out matches up with the picture of my reality, I don't think I have an idol problem. But when there is a crisis, all of a sudden I realize, 'Man, I've been banking on this dream in a way that no dream should be banked on.' 

Our dreams, no matter how great or noble they may be, always make lousy gods."

Empty Promises by Pete Wilson, pages 152-153

I believe what Pete wrote: nothing of eternal value in my life is at risk. I have to put my dream of having another baby in its place and put Jesus back in His. I love God, and I trust Him. I trust Him with my life, and I choose to put Him first. I will not make an idol of my dream - it is a lousy god... and my true God, He is a great and mighty God!

Jesus, please help me seek you in the midst of the craziness that is my life. Help me surrender my desires to you and replace them with the desire to pursue you and Your will for my life first and foremost. I trust you with what I think is valuable, and I pray that you will help me open my hands and release what I find valuable to you. You are amazing, God. Thank you for my baby boy, thank you that he is with you, and thank you for bringing me to this place with you. I love you. Amen

Prayer Journal - 14

Dear Lord,

Thank you for a wonderful night of fellowship. Thank you for bringing us to this place and for the opportunity to build new friendships. Thank you for allowing us to share so openly about Maddox and that his life has touched many others. Thank you for the vulnerability that Andrew and I shared with each other on the way home. Thank you that our boy is with you in heaven.

Lord, you are the lord of my life. You bless me more than I deserve, and you have a unique plan for my life. Please help me give it all up for you. Take away my fears, my fear of not being able to mother any more children. Make my number one desire to follow Your will and to accept this journey with joy, like Much-Afraid in Hinds' Feet on High Places. Lord, I trust you with all that I have, and I give my life up to you. I believe you want what is best for me. Be my only desire, the desire of my heart.

I love you, Lord.

Amen

Hickory Grove – Delaware Campus

Since the Sunday morning of the baby dedication at our Delaware church, I have been afraid of going back to Sunday morning worship. Even though that morning showed me that I have strength through the Lord to survive this loss, the so-called “threat” of another baby dedication has been intimidating.

Instead, Andrew and I have been having church at home, thanks to our North Carolina church’s live service streaming website, HickoryGrove.tv. We’ve begun jokingly calling our living room “Hickory Grove – Delaware Campus”. Listening to our home pastor, Clint Pressley, preach these past few weeks has been a great source of comfort; also, it has reminded me of his incredible gift of teaching God’s Word.

This morning’s sermon spoke to me from beginning to end. It is so applicable to the depression I have felt in the wake of losing Maddox. It validated my pain through Scripture, David struggled with similar feelings and thoughts, and provided a Biblical approach for getting out of the spiritual dryness it is so easy to get stuck in.

I hope you will take a half hour to listen to Pastor Clint’s message in its entirety, but if you can’t, I have shared my personal notes from the sermon below the video.




Psalm 43-43
One of the most sadly beautiful poems of the Old Testament:

Slow agony of a spiritual and emotional drought

The Dark Night of the Soul = Depression

How do believers handle depression? Shouldn’t we be more optimistic, happier and more chipper?

David wasn’t. Yet all the while, he was holding on to his faith in the living God.

We’ve got to get beyond chipper Christianity. Chipper Christianity doesn’t help you deal with the stuff inside of you.


God uses the dryness of the desert so that you will crave the living water that is Jesus Christ.

Some of the causes of spiritual depression:

• Feeling far away from God v. Psalm 42:1-2
  “As a deer pants for flowing streams, so pants my soul for you, O God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When shall I come to appear before God?”
  
  
• The society you live in, it taunts you v. Psalm 42:3
  “My tears have been my food day and night, while they say to me all the day long, ‘Where is your God?’”
  
  
• Memories of better days v. Psalm 42:4
  “These things I remember, as I pour out my soul: how I would go with the throng and lead them in procession to the house of God with glad shouts and songs of praise, a multitude keeping festival.”
  
  Be careful with memories. The blade of memory can cut both ways.
  If you stay in the past, you paralyze your past and you rob your future. You must make sure that your memories are baptized in Jesus and put into the hands of God to use for your spiritual growth and not your spiritual stunting.
  
  
• Overwhelming trials of life v. Psalm 42:7
  “Deep calls to deep at the roar of your waterfalls; all your breakers and your waves have gone over me.”
  
  If you lose sight of the fact that God is in control, it’s easy to get spiritually depressed and burned out. Even still, by God’s grace, we can get out of the hole.

How to get out of spiritual depression:

• Seek God’s face v. Psalm 42:2
  “My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When shall I come and appear before God?”
  
  
  The Lord has put you in a dark, desperate, dry, desert place for you to thirst for Him. He built you with a mechanism that causes you to thirst spiritually when things get bad.
  
  Seek the Lord!

• Remember who God is:
  v. Psalm 42:2 – The Living God
  v. Psalm 42:5 – The God of my Salvation
  v. Psalm 42:8 – My Covenant God, The God of my Life
  v. Psalm 42:9 – My Rock
  v. Psalm 43:2 – My Refuge
  
  
• Remember how He loves v. Psalm 42:8
  “By day the Lord commands His steadfast love, and at night His song is with me, a prayer to the God of my life.”
  
  God uses the dryness of your life. He put you in that dryness – He does it – so that that mechanism in you, that thirst, will be triggered, and that thirst you have will drive you to come to the living water that is Jesus Christ.

Love at First Sight

I loved him before I saw him, and here he is. ♥

Our first sight of Baby Maddox at 9 weeks on May 16, 2011

"For You formed my inward parts;

You knitted me together in my mother’s womb."

- Psalm 139:13

The Hurt + the Healer Collide

"The Hurt & The Healer" by MercyMe

Why?
The question that is never far away
The healing doesn't come from the explained
Jesus please don't let this go in vain
You're all I have
All that remains

So here I am
What's left of me
Where glory meets my suffering

I'm alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I've fallen into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide

Breathe
Sometimes I feel it's all that I can do
Pain so deep that I can hardly move
Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You
Lord take hold and pull me through

So here I am
What's left of me
Where glory meets my suffering

I'm alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I've fallen into your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide

It's the moment when humanity
Is overcome by majesty
When grace is ushered in for good
And all the scars are understood
When mercy takes its rightful place
And all these questions fade away
When out of the weakness we must bow
And hear You say "It's over now"

I'm alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I've fallen into your arms open wide
When The hurt and the healer collide

Jesus come and break my fear
Awake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here
When the hurt and the healer collide

Jesus come and break my fear
Awake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here

owls + oaks: supporting stillbirth/SIDS awareness + research

I have learned many valuable, life-changing lessons during my past five months of grief since losing my stillborn son Maddox. One of those lessons is the importance and blessing of a good friend. When I think of my close friends and their incredible support and the comfort and strength they gave me in the days after Maddox was born, I am overcome. I am blessed beyond all measure.

Sometimes, I wonder if I would have been as good a friend to mine if they were in my shoes, but when I think of what blessings they have been to me, I can't imagine how I would ever begin to repay them. I thank God for the girls He has placed in my life.

One of those amazing girls is Meghan Curtis. I laugh when I think back to an argument in middle school that caused us not to speak to each other until sophomore year of high school, a few months after I was saved by God's grace. Since then, though, our friendship has grown into one of the most beautiful pictures of friendship that I have ever seen.

Meghan was a wonderful friend during my pregnancy. Many times, she offered up her talents to help make the celebrations of Maddox's life during my pregnancy special for us. She felt our joy and exciting anticipation, and when we unexpectedly lost Maddox 39 weeks into our pregnancy, she felt our sadness and gut-wrenching grief. She is a true friend in many ways, but to see her carry our burden, one that she doesn't have to bear, has amazed me. Meghan is more than a friend to me, she is the sister I never had, and she means more to me than I'll ever be able to express in words.

In honor of Meghan, please listen to "More Than You'll Ever Know" by Watermark:



Meghan, I love you dearly. May the blessings you've given to me return to you a hundredfold.

Meghan is easily the most creative and humbly talented person I know. There's a little joke among our circle of friends... any time you see something handmade and even remotely creative looking around our homes, you know that "Meghan made it!" It took a little nudging from a few of us, but after some success at a local indie handmade market in Boone, Meghan finally launched her Etsy page, Swallow's Heart, in 2011. She followed up this year with a her blog by the same name. A small amount of time on either site will show Meghan's kindhearted spirit and unique talent!

Several weeks ago, Meghan came to me with an idea. She wanted to start a special Swallow's Heart jewelry line in honor of Maddox. I was honored and again so very blessed by Meghan's thoughtfulness, and today, the owls + oaks collection was launched!

Click the image to be directed to the owls + oaks Etsy shop

Meghan has so generously offered to donate all of her profits from every owls + oaks item purchased to a memorial fund that Andrew and I have set up in memory of Maddox with First Candle. First Candle is a nonprofit organization  dedicated to increasing public participation and support in the fight against Stillbirth, Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS) and other causes of Sudden Unexpected Infant Death (SUID). I am grateful that Meghan has chosen to selflessly donate her time and talents to supporting stillbirth, SIDS and SUID research. It is a wonderful Mother's Day gift for me to know that the owls + oaks line will contribute to research that may someday eliminate the concern for stillbirth so that, one day, no other family will have to experience this loss.

If you would like to donate to make a donation to First Candle in memory of Maddox on your own, you are welcome to do so by visiting his personal memorial page, Maddox Wilhelm Prime Schulze Memorial Fund.

Yes, I am a mother.

Tomorrow is the big day, Mother's Day. It has never seemed so significant a day to me until now. Even last year, which I counted as my first Mother's Day because I was pregnant, wasn't a huge to-do. But this year, it's a mountain of a day to face, a day I've literally dreaded seeing for weeks.

What do you say to a heartbroken mother who has lost a child, or in my case, her only child? To a mother who can't be with her baby on Mother's Day, who feels a punch in the gut every time she sees or hears yet another Mother's Day advertisement? To a mother who fights back tears while wondering what Mother's Day card her child would have picked with his daddy for her while she trys to choose one for her own mother (and stepmother and mother-in-law)?

I'll give it to you straight, pay close attention... You say, Happy Mother's Day!

The most painful thing a person could do to me is ignore the fact that my son Maddox was conceived, grew in my womb, was born, was here, was loved and now, is gone. I have spoken with other mothers who have experienced loss, whether in recent months or decades ago, and not a single one has avoided the opportunity to talk about her baby, her little girl, her little boy. We mothers who have lost children are still mothers, and even those who have other living children, we are mothers to a baby who is in heaven. We are proud of our children, have been blessed by them, would do anything for them still, we miss them - especially on this day, we miss them - and, surprise, we want to talk about them!

This week has been a hard one, no doubt about it. In Bible study, I cried. At GriefShare, I cried. When invited to a Mother's Day lunch, I cried some more. Procrastinating the Mother's Day card section? Yep, cried again. Received Mother's Day cards of my own, and then cried about it? You betcha! Why? All because I miss my boy and I can't have him with me on my special day. Do I feel badly for being so sad? I can't say that I do. There is grief because there is love, and this pain hurts as it does because I love my son. Today, I take comfort in knowing that this pain is a sacrifice I am making as a mother because of the son I love so dearly.

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." -Matthew 5:4

I have been blessed in my journey of grief. From the moment we learned that Maddox's heart had stopped beating to this very minute, I have felt love and support from every direction. I have received validation from family, friends, complete strangers and from God that I am and will always be Maddox's mother. Death cannot steal my motherhood, and I will not allow it to!

It's seems such a small thing, but on Friday this week we got a FedEx delivery at the office, and the delivery man said so cheerfully, "Happy Mother's Day to you, if you're a mother!" My heart was filled with appreciation as I responded, "Yes, I am! Thank you!" Truthfully, it was that moment that I decided to attend the Mother's Day lunch Andrew and I were invited to attend. I had contemplated staying home to wallow in self-pity and bitterness and allow myself to be angry at all the mothers who get to celebrate Mother's Day with their children even though they treat them poorly and take them for granted. (Hey, grief is ugly!) But the second the FedEx man, who knows nothing about my loss, acknowledged my motherhood, I decided that I am going to persevere through tomorrow with as joyful a spirit as I can muster and praise God for the blessing of my son Maddox.

Thank you to all of my incredible family and friends who have taken a moment to wish me a Happy Mother's Day through cards and various sentiments. You are all blessings in my life, I love you dearly, and I thank you for walking through this painful but blessed journey with me. Above all, I thank my God for being my sustainer through each moment, sometimes second-to-second.

I am a mother. Tomorrow is my day. My son is not here with me, but nothing will ever take him from my heart. Praise God that I will see Maddox when we meet again soon in eternity!

Prayer Journal - 13

Dear Jehovah-jireh,

Thank you for being the One who will provide, the One who does provide.

"And my God will supply every need of yours according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus." - Philippians 4:19

I know you as Jehovah-jireh, my provider. You have been with me at every moment, ensured supply for my every need, been faithful to sustain me, never left me.

It is not easy to walk this road, but you never promised it would be. I don't know why Maddox could not stay with us or even why you chose to bless us with him. I do know that you are unchanging - compassionate, gracious, slow to anger and abounding in lovingkindness and truth (Exodus 34:6).

Lord, it is not a coincidence that I read Psalm 139:13-16 aloud at Bible study tonight. Thank you for the reminder of a most comforting truth - you formed me, my soul knows it well...in Your book were written, EVERY ONE OF THEM, these days that you formed for me, when there was none. And Jehovah-jireh, my provider, thank you for Psalm 16:5-6:

"You are my chosen portion; indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance."

Thank you for Your presence, Your word, salvation through Your son Jesus Christ and for this awesome, in every sense of the word, wonderful relationship with you.

I love you, Lord, Jehovah-jireh.

Amen

Shared from my prayer journal

Maddox Journal - 2.8

Andrew and I went home to NC the weekend before last for Meridith and Will's wedding. It was an emotional time, because during the engagement and wedding planning we had all imagined Maddox as a part of their special day. I missed him so much that day, missed showing him off to friends we haven't seen for a while, missed what attention he would have needed and the care I would have given him in the moments we would have excused ourselves for him during the reception.

I did get to visit him twice. Meghan and I went on Sunday. She brought him some of the flowers from her matron of honor bouquet and took some incredible photos for me. The cemetery is beautiful this time of year. Andrew and I went together to see him on Monday morning before we met with James to pick out and design Maddox's headstone. It is going to be so very nice - should be ready in time for our June visit.

Being home, I caught baby fever...really bad. I want to be a mom again.

Shared from the Maddox journal I started while I was pregnant

---

Some photos from Meghan's and my visit with Maddox on April 29th:

Maddox's tree

Maddox and me

Maddox, his tree and me

Looking down on my baby boy

Meghan's bouquet

Maddox and Aunt Meghan

Prayer Journal - 12

Dear Lord,

Thank you that my emotions are not sin, only that my responses to my emotions have the potential to be. Please forgive me when I do respond sinfully. Help me to turn from that sin, to recognize when my emotions are affecting my thoughts an actions. Thank you for not being surprised by anything I do, and guide me as I learn how to be a picture of the gospel at every point in my walk with you, like Pastor Clint talked about today.

Lord, you have brought me this far on this journey. Some days I look back over the past (almost) five months and wonder how I've made it to now. You have been with me every step of the way, provided my every need, shown me what it is to be held. Be with me as I continue through this life, until I am with you also in eternity.

In Jesus' name alone, amen

Shared from my prayer journal

Hard Morning at Church

Church was hard yesterday morning.

First, during worship we sang Blessed Be Your Name (different version than the Matt Redman music video below, but the words are the same). I've probably sung this song 100 times since I became a Christian and started listening to Christian radio nearly eight years ago. But I never felt the truth of these words until Sunday:

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's all as it should be
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say:
Lord, blessed be Your name

For the first time, I could sing those words knowing what it's like to bless the Lord's name while on the road marked with suffering, though there's pain in the offering. For the first time, I understood the weight of the "take away". And still, I choose to say, blessed be the name of the Lord!

I would never have chosen to walk this road, but blessed be the name of the Lord, indeed! It is a blessing to experience God's love and presence in this way. Yes, there is pain in the offering. I want Maddox here with us more than almost anything else I can think of. Other than serving God and living to glorify Him, to share the good news of salvation through Jesus Christ, I can think of nothing I want more. But God's hand is in this. Good will come from it. I feel like good has already come from it - in ways I know and many I maybe never will. I don't like it. Sometimes I feel like it's unfair. But I know that God is in control. I know He does all things out of the love He has for those who trust in Him. This is far from easy, but it is real. God is using this to refocus my attention on things that matter to Him, to bring me back to Him and to bring our relationship to a new level. I will bless His name forever.

Not only was all of this going through my head and heart during the church service, but at the end there was a baby dedication. A little boy named Nicholas, born December 22, 2011, just nine days after Maddox. I was a mess. I cried and cried. My heart cried out on its own, "That should have been us! We should be holding our smiling baby boy in front of the congregation as we commit to the Lord to do all things in our power to raise him in a God fearing home, to have trust and faith in Christ and to live his life for Him! Why not us?! Why did this happen to us? Why did we have to lose our son?!"

Easily the hardest church visit since we lost Maddox, but it showed me that I'm strong enough to survive this. I can do this with Him.

I've been nudged.

I got a nudge from Andrea tonight. I suppose she's right, a post is long overdue. The thing is, I don't feel like I have anything that good to say. Of course, I've thought about writing at least 20 times, but sitting down to write out my thoughts and feelings and general goings ons is so intimidating when I'm this much of an emotional basket case.

Some days are okay, most days really.

Andrew and I are attending our second round of GriefShare. We jumped in around the eighth week in the last session and it just started over last week. It has truly been the most helpful thing for me in learning how to handle my grief. I miss Maddox so much. I wrote him a letter Monday night on his Facebook wall. He got a Facebook when he was just 17 weeks old in the womb. It felt good to talk TO him instead of about him. Monday was the year anniversary of the day we found out we were pregnant. I'll never forget that day.

Dear Maddox,

One year ago today, Mommy and Daddy found out about you! We were surprised and oh so happy to know that you were going to make us a family. We loved you from the moment we knew about you, loved every milestone, every fruit/vegetable upgrade, every kick and hiccup. We loved deciding on your name and sharing excitement and anticipation about your arrival with anyone who would listen. We were scared to be your parents. Only because we wanted you to have the very best, to be raised in a God-fearing home with parents who were committed to Him most of all, to each other and to you. But, despite our fears about becoming parents, we couldn't wait to meet you!

I can hardly describe the emotions I feel when I think about the day we found out your heart had stopped beating in my belly. Sometimes it still seems unreal. Sometimes I think we're still waiting for you; other times I have to convince myself you were really ever here. You were here though, I keep your picture up and look at it every day. Your cute cheeks and precious lips and the eyes we didn't get to see open. I wonder about what your cry would have sounded like, your giggle. A couple nights ago, I dreamed that you were still with us and you smiled and you were the most adorable baby on the planet. It was such a happy dream, and I know that you're in heaven right now and that you ARE happy. You are with God, with Jesus Christ, with all of our other family and the friends who believe in Jesus as their savior, and you are living, really, truly living.

What I wouldn't give to have been able to watch you grow up here, but I know me and Daddy could never give you the wonderful existence God has given you by calling you home to Him. We miss you every single day... we'll just have to wait a little longer to meet our boy. I can't wait to see how you've turned out!

I love you so much, every day, with everything I have. Save a place for me, I'll be there soon.

♥ Love, Mommy

So yes, the dreaded time has come. All this time I've been grieving Maddox, I have had in the back of my head the fact that "this time last year I wasn't even pregnant". Well, now this time last year I WAS pregnant and it's so, so hard to deal with. The truth is though, I want to deal with it. I want to go through my grief. I don't want to go around it or pretend that I'm over it. I will never, ever be over it. Have I shared before that I feel like grief is an incurable disease? It's like being diagnosed with a disease you're stuck with for the rest of your life. There are treatments, there is counseling, there is support from people who have been there or are going through the same thing, but you can't get away from it. Some days will be worse than others, some days your symptoms will seem too much to handle, some days you'll beg for God to take you home now because you just can't handle it anymore, but ultimately you're just stuck with it and you have to learn how to live with it.

I don't want to look back on last year as I hit so many anniversaries related to Maddox over the next several months, I don't want to remember those times with sadness or dread or pain. I want to remember our time with him with great joy and happiness. It's so cliche, but I try to remind myself: "Don't cry that it's over, smile that it happened." I wouldn't take back our time with Maddox for anything in the world. I'm still his mother and I always will be. I just need to take it one step at a time, to do the next thing without getting overwhelmed with all the things that need to be done and addressed.

I guess writing this entry was my "next thing" tonight.

We're going home to NC next weekend for the first time since our move to DE. Miss Meridith Grace is getting married on April 28th! I'm in her wedding and I'm very excited for this next chapter in her life. I'm really looking forward to going home for a visit and seeing everyone!

Thanks for the nudge, Andrea. I needed it. :)

Grief Journal - 6

I am not concerned with getting over my grief. I do not want to dwell in it, but I want to learn and grow through it. It's about living on, not moving on and pretending it never happened. Maddox is part of me. I love him, and I am proud to be his mother. I will honor him by giving myself time to heal on my own schedule with God's grace.

God has been with us and provided for us every step of the way through this journey, and I believe he will continue to show us His unfailing love.

Shared from my grief journal

Maddox Journal - 2.7

Today is Easter. I wish Maddox was still with us, but how amazing it must be for him to be celebrating in heaven with our savior! I can only imagine what that must be like, and do they even celebrate like we do? It is hard to know what time is like there, and I wonder if calendar years even occur in heaven at all. Either way, to be in Christ's presence today or any day must be amazing, and I so look forward to it.

Yesterday, Dad and Wendy visited Maddox in Gold Hill. They took him an Easter egg and a nice stone to mark his grave for now. Dad weed-eated and they planted some daisy seeds. They sent me pictures, but I haven't had a moment to see them yet. It meant a  lot to me that they went to see him and care for him and take him gifts. I can't wait to go see him in just a couple weeks. I miss him.

Shared from the Maddox journal I started while I was pregnant

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A few photos from Dad and Wendy's Easter visit with Maddox:

Maddox is buried beneath the beautiful, big oak tree

Dad weed-eating Maddox's fresh grass

Maddox's Easter gifts from Nanny and Pop Pop

Maddox's tree

Prayer Journal - 11

Father,

Thank you for our little boy. We miss Maddox so much and wonder all the things he would be doing right now. I am looking forward to heaven so much, and being able to see my little man again makes me that much more excited about it.

Amen

Shared from my prayer journal

Prayer Journal - 10

Father,

Thank you for a wonderful weekend celebrating my birthday with Andrew. Thank you for our time together and for the countless blessings you give to us. Help us to spend time on things with eternal impact and encourage us to lead intentional lives. Each moment is another opportunity to choose what will bring glory to Your name.

Thank you for my dream last night, for remembering the joy of Maddox's movements in my womb with the hopeful anticipation of his baby brother or sister's arrival.

You are amazing, God.

Amen

Shared from my prayer journal

Prayer Journal - 9

Father,

Please be with me today. It was one year ago that I got pregnant. I pray that you will help me see this day as the anniversary of a wonderful blessing and not be sad that Maddox is home with you. You are sovereign, I trust in you. Help me be strong.

Thank you for the psalms. I read 143 this morning. The psalms remind me that I am human and suffer human emotions. While I should continuously strive to do better, you understand my heart and do not hold my brokenness against me. How great you are, Lord! You do so much for me and though this trial is hard, you bless me beyond all measure.

Keep my sight and thoughts on you as I go through this day. You know what this day holds. Please be with me as I face it and make me an example of Your love and faithfulness to others.

I love you, Lord.

Amen

Shared from my prayer journal

Prayer Journal - 8

Father,

Thank you for the discipline to get out of bed to spend some time in devotion with you. Please make this a hunger and thirst for my soul each morning, one that must be quenched at the start of each of my days.

Please teach me how to pray Your prayers instead of my own, prayers for eternal things, to lead a righteous life and glorify you. I want an actual relationship with you, I want to grow. Please help me in my weaknesses. Help me to focus on all things good, pure, honest and holy. Please pick me up when I'm falling, help me to appreciate this life before eternal life and please help me to believe.

Keep my thoughts on things that are good. Keep me in prayer with you. Help me to be steadfast. Make me a good wife to Andrew an a good mom for Maddox. Above all, make me Your servant. Help me through every moment of this and every day. You will never leave me.

Amen

Shared from my prayer journal

Prayer Journal - 7

Father,

I feel so broken. I can't fight it. I can't get through it. I can't handle the ups and downs. Really - I feel like shit. It's probably not appropriate for me to cuss in a prayer, but you know I'm thinking it already anyway.

I want this to be over. I want to go home to heaven. I don't have the energy to keep this up. I want you to bring me home. Please. This life seems so pointless. Full of heartache and pain and trouble.

I know I should have hope in you and desire to fulfill Your purpose for my life. How am I supposed to get back to that? I am selfish. I am lazy. I am pathetic. I know I shouldn't talk this way to myself. I believe this is Satan's hand in my life. But he is strong and I am weak.

I know you are stronger. Please fight this for me. I can't do it. I can't.

Shared from my prayer journal

Maddox Journal - 2.6

Maddox would be turning three months old tomorrow if he was still with us. Like Andrew said tonight, it feels like yesterday and 20 years ago at the same time. It seems completely unreal as I write this. Our baby boy is in heaven. We have a son who is being cared for by our Heavenly Father at this very moment. And our Lord hasn't left us for one minute.

It is not easy - grief is a malicious roller coaster, it twists and turns when you least expect it. It doesn't seem fair, but I trust that God is making me into who I was meant to be.

I think about Maddox a lot and it comforts me to wonder about what he's doing in heaven. I know what his earthly body was like. I look at his adorable face every day. But what does he look like now? It doesn't make sense to me that he'd still be a helpless little baby - maybe a boy or even a young man or adult? I can't wait to see him again!

Shared from the Maddox journal I started while I was pregnant

Grief Journal - 5

Father,

Thank you for another morning to spend time focusing on you and learning more about Your truths. Thank you for time with Andrew last night. Thank you for another opportunity to live for you. Please help me to be positive, productive and motivated today. Lord, please change me, make me new. I fall short in so many ways, but I am trying. Please forgive me for my many sins. Shed light on them and help me make better decisions in all areas of my life. Thank you for everything you do. Please hug and kiss my boy for me

In Jesus' name alone, Amen

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Soon after we moved to Delaware, Andrew and I got connected with a great church in Wilmington called Brandywine Valley Baptist Church. Several weeks ago, we started attending an incredible support group at the church on Thursday nights called GriefShare. Each week we meet with other grieving people, people who have become our friends, to share where we are in our grief journey, pray for each other and study biblical truths to help us through this journey we did not choose to go on. During the week we are encouraged to pray, journal and work through various exercises designed to guide us “from mourning to joy.” I can’t recommend this program enough. It has been the single most helpful thing I have done to work my way through the grief of losing Maddox.

Last week, in addition to the regular GriefShare exercises, we were supposed to think about the last time we felt joy. This was not easy for me, because the more I thought about it the more I realized how easy it is to confuse joy and happiness. I can think of lots of times I have felt happy since losing Maddox – a lazy Saturday morning in bed with Andrew and the dogs a couple weeks ago, conversations with Meghan and my mom, picking out decorations for our new place together at Target…

But that happiness is emotional, it’s fleeting – there one minute, gone the next. Joy is harder to define. Joy is more than a mere emotional response. Like faith, it is a choice. Like faith, it can be unmoving and not based only on the circumstances of the moment. Joy is so much more than happiness.

I felt joy while holding my sweet baby boy at the hospital, feeling his small body warm with the life he had, seeing his face and comparing his features to mine and Andrew’s. That joy was sadly overshadowed by the pain we felt in losing him, just when we had expected to be meeting him and falling in love with him even more. But the joy remains because of God’s promises and His presence. He has revealed Himself in a way I have not previously had the privilege of seeing. Nothing other than such a great loss can allow a person to experience God in such a way. What comfort it is to know that God has known about Maddox since before the world was formed. God knew the short life our boy would have and the impact his life would have on me, Andrew and those who knew and still love him. I feel joy in remembering my “sonshine” and though I am deeply saddened he is not with me now, I have hope and peace in knowing that some day, someday soon, I will see him again in heaven. Thank God for His promises and above all salvation in Him!

“So also you have sorrow now, but I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy from you.” – John 16:22

“And the ransomed of the Lord shall return and come to Zion with singing; everlasting joy shall be upon their heads; they shall obtain gladness and joy, and sorrow and sighing shall flee away.” – Isaiah 35:10b

“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.” – James 1:2-3

Adapted from my grief journal